'The Red, it filters through'

I woke up with a terrible heaviness against my ribcage, as though something buried deep inside was out-growing the confines of its cage and was slowly starting to push the bars outward into the flesh around it. I took a sharp breath, placed my fist against the center of my chest and embraced the pain.

You don't heal from the wounds of broken yesterdays, you hollow yourself out and make room for the pain. You take it into yourself and let it become apart of you. You make it yours. And that's precisely what I've done.

This will not rule me. I carry the strength of my ancestors within my veins. Strong souls that fought to survive. Souls that carried the heavy burden of a hard life with no one but themselves to depend on. Their strength flows through me and I am not afraid. 

I've faced the darkness inside me and realized...we're not so different. Every facet of who I am, darkness and light. The inner child and the raging beast...we are one.

I have been lost for too long. I made it through the crossroads. I know where I'm going now. 

There is nothing but death itself that can stop me. I am not worthless. I am not weak. I am not broken. To be able to breathe each morning, to be able to face each new day...is a blessing. The tunnel vision had, has been lifted and I can the trees within the forest again.

I embrace this horrific ache inside of me and no longer focus on what created it. Because what it all boils down to, is this simple truth. It is mine and no one elses. It's buried within me and I'm the only one responsible for it. My emotions are my own. Period.

Today I celebrate being able to type these thoughts, these revelations. I am grateful for the life I've been given. No matter how hard it's been or what horrors and trials I still have to face... I know now, that I am my own obstacle. The walls around my soul have been broken and have become nothing more than shadows and dust. There is a strange kind of calm pooling around my clouded thoughts. An odd kind of knowing; a cold, calculated instinct that's slithering hidden truths through the blood that flows through these veins.

There is so much more to me than I ever realized. The strength of my Father hides behind my eyes. Remembering his words of wisdom. My anchor, my internal lighthouse to guide me back from the depths of my own personal hell. He would tell me to get angry, focus and keep going. That I was the Daughter of a Sailor, and god help the poor sonuvabitch that pissed me off.

-chuckles softly- As much as the pain of his loss still stings, I find myself finding comfort in the memory of him that still lives in my heart. He's still with me. A piece of him I can reach out to and find strength in when I'm at odds with the world and everything in it. All I have to do is calm myself and simply listen...and he's there.

This downward spiral has ended. It's a fresh start, and how convenient that it would all come together on October 1st. 

I may not be completely healed, but I can keep moving forward with fresh wounds and tattered scars. They don't haunt me, they simply remind me that I'm very much alive. A beautiful symphony of moments etched into the flesh, both inwardly and outwardly. My soul an open canvas of the story I continue to paint as my thoughts fill the chapters of a book that still has so much left to be written.

Chrysalis removed, the flames having purified and burned away what I used to be. I take these few new steps toward a future yet unknown, but of my own making.

I've been underestimated, beaten down, lied to, used, treated like I was nothing more than a toy, treated like I was inferior. That my thoughts and emotions weren't valid, that I was stupid and worthless and irresponsible. I was too ugly, too fat, too scarred, too emotional. That I couldn't do anything right. That I was a mistake and should've never been born.

Guess what? 

I'm still here.

I bring light and warmth to everyone I meet. I am genuine in my motives and feelings for others. I am more forgiving than I should be. We all hurt, we are all damaged and I sure as hell won't be there to cast the first stone. No one is perfect. I do forgive others for their mistakes, no matter the severity. But I Never Forget. 

I've learned so much...and have found strength in dying a little inside. We all change, we all move forward. We all become so much more then we ever thought we could be.

I am not the person I used to be and honestly, she wouldn't have been able to hack it. So I've removed the lingering weakness and replaced her.

I am Onyx Wildcat, an Angel in Chaos and I refuse to bow.

In fact, this life will bow to me or I'll break it.

"No Power in the 'Verse can stop me now."

-Wildcat-