Learning from the Silence

Cool air whispers past as the sky glows a soft baby blue with the coming of dawn. Yet another beautiful morning blessed by the deep chill of autumn. 

I find myself sitting out within nature, wrapped in warm clothing to offset the cold as I drink my strong coffee from a nightmare before Christmas thermos and write in my leather bound journal. Icy fingers gently caress the exposed flesh of my face, cooling the hot skin around my eyes as a chilly breeze dances around me.

I enjoy these moments in nature, my quiet solitude where I can remain still before another day filled with noisy interactions. 

Endless thoughts trickle and weave behind these tired eyes as I struggle to place them in order in my memory warehouse. As the days draw closer to All Hallow's Eve, a deep ache has begun to surface. One followed by heart wrenching memories spent with my father.

This was his favorite time of the year. Something we both shared.

Each day has been weighing heavily upon my mind, causing my chest to tighten with emotions that have a way of beating me down until I'm drowning within their wake.

Despite my recent and rather explosive change of outlook on life and myself, the gaping wound inside my heart begins to tear and reopen. Reminding me that I have not fully recovered and the pain is still as sharp as it was the day he left me behind.

Try as I may, the strength I've found within myself is no match when faced with the broken heart of a little girl who's lost her hero. I've tried to quell her wailing, to comfort the inner child who doesn't understand why Daddy had to go. I thought she had finally calmed, but I'm once again struggling to keep myself steady as the sound of her weeping echoes a tragic melody within the depths of my mind.

I find myself becoming callous to it, acknowledging the pain but indifferent to the feeling. I simply cannot afford to break down. Not when there's still so much to do and little time to do it. I have made myself a machine; a force of nature that will power through every obstacle it faces and come out the other side mostly intact. Only when the world has calmed and the engine is allowed to finally cool down, able to shut off and be still...only then will I allow her mourning to surface. 

Until that time I will embody the essence of stone and get through the challenges placed before me.

No matter how much it stings every time I take a deep breath, I must remain cold. It is an odd sensation, being able to hollow yourself out to continue forward. To push aside all the white noise of emotion for a sharp focus. There's a strange comfort within that living silence. That secret place I go when I'm at the edge of an emotional abyss and I'm losing the war with myself. In that quiet darkness I can see where my path leads and what I must do to get there. 

So I reemerge as something else. A shell of a person whose eyes reveal something terrible peering out. But it's only temporary. A means to an end. It will help me get to where I need to be then sink back into the depths from whence it came.

There is still an echo that will haunt me no matter how still or callous I am. The heart will fight no matter how broken it has become and will remind me of how very precious each moment is. 

Life is a series of chance, such fleeting moments that many take for granted in their appearance only to find themselves with regret years later. I have always cherished those moments, even when I was too young and naive to understand the impact of that truth. To live each day as though it were last. To love fully, forgive the mistakes others, to be in awe of nature and the life coursing through your veins. To realize that in an instant, it can all be taken away. Time is merely an illusion one tells oneself in order to avoid confronting their own fears. You miss out on so much experience and wisdom when you hide behind your own self imposed limitations.

Each new day is a gift. Another chance to live and embrace the life you still have. No matter how painful, there is always beauty. It's your very own perception that blinds you. Life won't wait for you to make up your mind. It's a relentless unforgiving beast that will stop for no one. Half the time it's trying to take you out. That's why it's so important to understand why you've got to get up, dust yourself off and keep going. To truly fail, is to just give up and never try.

I don't know about you, but I enjoy the challenge. Let it try to beat me down. I've come this far, and I don't plan on giving up anytime soon.

'Don't let the bastards get you down.' And I don't intend to.

Dad taught me that. 

-Adieu-