Strange sounds course a path of static behind my eyes as I
struggle to make sense of nightly journey through the inner worlds. So many
images, so many symbols…sporadic and confusing, I find myself at a loss as to
how I can decipher any meaning at all. For now I take a deep drink from my
Nightmare Before Christmas thermos; hot coffee streaming a line of warmth down
my chest. My fingertips dance in a languid succession across these black keys
as Aliens special edition plays in the background, Ripley speaking to Burke
about drifting through the coring systems for 57 years. No matter how many
times I’ve seen/heard this movie, I will never grow tired of it. Too many good
memories are attached and always manage to bring me a comfort, especially when
I’m feeling very off my internal axis.
I haven’t been able to update due to the skewed nature of my
internal workings. The chaotic nature of my emotions have left me feeling out
of place inside my own mind; fragmented and drifting. I didn’t want that sickness
to taint my words. I refuse to let it overshadow me, which is why I chose to be
silent. It still festers, crawling through the shadows of my memory warehouse.
Yet it dares not venture closer as the hissing nightmares keep it at bay, their
obsidian forms terrifying to the things that would cause me harm. My beautiful
guardians.
I fight the odd visions behind my eyes, broken memories I
thought had dispersed and faded away. The sting of their presence as sharp as
the first moment they found me. Conflicted, I’ve gone still. Attempting to
understand the complexities of my own internal workings, wondering why it is
that the shadows of the past have shrouded my thoughts, forcing me to relive them
as they swirl overhead, looming just in the distance. Haunting me. It doesn’t
help that at times like these, when the inner me needs guidance, the first
person that I think of is no longer present. To make it all the more difficult,
Dad has been making small appearances in my dreams. Instead of feeling some
form of comfort, I’m left even more off center when I’m awake.
“I don’t know who I am anymore.” What an odd thing to think,
let alone admit. I don’t recognize myself. Truth be told, I haven’t in a very
long time. I’ve been doing the best I can to piece myself back together to
resemble something familiar even if I knew the end result would be nothing like
before. A ghostly image of something that was lost. I’m sure it’s nothing more
than a phase one has to go through in order to remember who they are. What if,
for the sake of argument, I don’t know who that was…and maybe, I don’t want to.
As though I can’t stomach who I used to be; memories I no longer feel fond of.
I was always so scared…of everything, especially failure. I don’t even know why
I’m talking about this right now. Guess it’s just a means to vent some of this
weirdness dancing through my veins and making me feel off.
No more hiding. No more being afraid. Yet I feel so fragmented.
Wanting to be more than this stalemate I’ve found myself in. Perhaps that’s why
now, more than ever, I feel such a bond with my childhood Hero, Ripley. Coming
back to a world so familiar yet so very different. Learning that everything you’ve
loved, is gone. Being thrown into a pit not of your own making and having to
dig your way out. Being the outsider…only to become the reluctant hero.
I’m no hero, that’s for damned sure. I’m about as screwed up
as the next person trying to blindly make their way through this bloodthirsty existence.
Perhaps being stagnant will make a normal person stir crazy.
I haven’t been working due to there not being any work to speak of considering Mother
Nature has been having mood swings off shore. No boats, no reason to go into
work. So I’ve been depressed. You’d think I’d utilize this time with being
creative, which trust me I’ve tried. I’ve finally managed to edit some footage
of going to the natural history museum to see dinosaurs for the first time. It’s
still a rough draft so I’ll have to finish it soon. I want to be productive, no how matter shit-tastic I’m feeling. Which doesn’t really help because then the
brain likes to pull you deeper into that negative space. I have a screwed up
brain.
So apologies for being quiet or distant. This isn’t
something I do consciously. If anything I’m constantly at odds with myself when
I start to pull away from everything and everyone I love. It’s only become more
of an issue since... Damn… I was literally just thinking back and this chaos
started in late 2012. That’s nearly what, four years?
What really bothers me the most, is how I still feel as
though I need to give back to those wonderful souls that have helped me along
the way and I’m barely scraping the bottom of the barrel. I mean that. I’m
frustrated that I’m unable to give back yet. I have always wanted to do for
others before myself. I want to give back. I’m infuriated inside that I’m not
in the position to do so. Not yet. But I will. That’s one of the biggest
motivators to keep going. To get to a place where I can do for others as they’ve
done for me, and then some. I want to help. I want to shower those loving,
selfless souls with gifts of love. I want to make their worlds more enjoyable.
I want to give back so badly that my chest aches. I feel so lost not being able
to do so. I hate it.
You all mean so very much to me and there are moments, (many
as of late) that you have been the only reason I keep going. The biggest reason
not to give up, is the promise I’ve made to all of you. I will give back. I
will get to a place where I can do what you’ve done for me.
*sighs and takes a
hefty drink of her strong coffee*
Whatever this funk is, it’ll pass as it always does and I’ll
be a brighter, happier version of myself in no time. Thank you all for being so
patient and understanding. I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with
because I seem to leave everyone in the dark when I get like this. If I could
control this, I would. Trust me.
And on that note I have my Aliens to watch and my coffee to
finish.
-Adieu
