...Streets Are Uneven When You're Down...

Thoughts have been rolling through me all morning, so many different ways to speak them, express them so that they would dance like gentle butterflies through your mind; all color and joy. But I fear there is no true joy...the warmth having left me a week ago. It's been odd, this numbness filling me. I know I have emotions, I function better then one would expect considering the circumstances. Yet I find myself trying to feel...something...anything at the thought of what's been lost. I find myself puzzled...because there's nothing. Just an emptiness I can't explain.

As though I've been hollowed out and I'm nothing more than a shell of who I used to be. I suppose that means I'll have to fill it with something...but what?

*shrugs and takes a drink of her third cup of coffee*

It does help me from breaking down every few minutes. We all know how annoying that can be when you're just trying to make the next few minutes without your chest heaving and your face leaking causing nothing more than an unwanted mess.

*grows a strange kind of smile that doesn't touch her eyes* 

This is definitely a coping mechanism, just not sure how long it's going to last or if I'll ever be Me again. I don't feel all that different but there is a strange energy taking up residence inside me. As though I've gotten quieter, more calloused. Better to be stone than shattered pieces being scattered into the wind.

I know it's probably the last thing you want to read coming from me. I'm usually so positive, so bright and happy and warm... I'm still me. Mostly. Just without the bright and happy bits. I still have my sense of humor. I dunno, I just...feel more pulled back. As though I keep myself silent when before I'd have no problem sharing my voice on something. 

Probably temporary. Just unsure how long 'temporary' really is. Days, weeks, months? *gives a shrug, eyes filled with indifference as a deep ache flows behind her ribcage*

Watching Supernatural's Season Finale last Tuesday spun me. The episode was a helluva mindscrew, but that wasn't the real reason for that snake of despair to slither up from the depths, choking my voice. All I could think of, was talking to Dad about it. That was Our Show. Then with a sudden invisible slap against the face, the stark reality of him being Gone...missing two of the last episodes of season 9... Never to be around to see Season 10... To never know if our favorite character (who reminded me so much of my Father) Bobby, would ever make another appearance...

These realizations made me physically sick. Even now I can feel a leviathan of emotion swelling just within my chest, wanting so desperately to Rip its way out.

I've been so very close to him all of my life... 

*takes a shuddering breath and sighs; face unreadable*

Trying to get through the next moment, seeing through a tunnel of fog... Wanting so desperately to let the rage fill me, to push away the agony of loss. To stop myself from starting to blame my inability to keep him here... To not go through the 'what if' scenarios trying to tear through my brain.

It's just a gaping wound deep inside that echoes agony every time I try to take a breath.

Function, I tell myself. But I've noticed something odd... I've been tired, so very tired. It's a real struggle to get out of bed in the morning. It's hard to see any reason to do anything anymore. For so many years, I was there for him and he was my Rock... *Is surprised as her eyes sting, just slightly and she has to wet her suddenly very dry lips*

I don't want to feel this. Whatever the hell this is.

I desperately need to get my head in a different state...and really could use a good scotch to burn these emotions down the back of my throat. Swallow the tears and focus on the positive. 

*scoffs* If there's anything truly good left when you feel like a shell and are starting to fight yourself from completely isolating yourself from everyone and everything you love.

Apologies for how...dark this may be. It's not intentional, nor is it me brooding. No, I'm not becoming 'Captain Forehead' (Kudos to those of you who know who I'm talkin' about). But it's odd, not wanting to be around anyone, not wanting to Feel (because it's actually hard to feel anything but white noise) I'm actually quite desperate for interaction. And hard liquor. 

*sighs and shakes her head*

Everything changes, people die and you learn to live with it. Even if it was your Hero, your Rock. The world doesn't stop spinning because your entire existence has been thrown screaming into chaos.

Adapt and move forward. Because that's all you've got.

-E-