The soft singing of feathered creatures fill the cool, overcast sky as a tired form slowly regains energy with every drink of cold coffee. Yet another beautiful fall day as the sun tries in vain to burn through the thick marine layer; a cool blanket of soft grays and muted white.
The mind is a sea of calm, emotions having finally become still. It seems so strange to not be on constant alert, to not feel a tremble of tension just beneath the surface. Anticipating the next slip, another bad hiccup in a chain of horrible events. It seems an eternity since I was able to be still. Having been so accustomed to being on edge, whether asleep or awake. In the recent past, there were fleeting moments. The calm before the storm. It was always brief and even then, it only masked the anxiety that was growing inside. Knowing the calm was temporary, a glimpse of a healthy emotional state while knowing that soon it would all be washed away by the chaos of stress that would be waiting to suck me back in.
It's odd to say that it has been years since I've felt the peace of stability. The only tension now is the anticapation of my new work schedule. I'm not living with that terrible panic coiling through my thoughts. I don't feel like a leaf at the mercy of the wind anymore.
Yet now, it's strange that with this newfound strength created within the peace of finally beginning anew, my mind is able to go back. It's calmed enough for me to start wandering the inner labrynth of my memory warehouse and I can finally watch old reels of my life on a projector screen in crystal clarity.
As I watch, the realization of my journey and the events along the way leave me feeling a strange mixture of emotions. I'm able to see that there have been synchronicities, little pathways I stumbled upon that have lead me to where I am now. Decisions that at the time, were based on instinct and as the memories unfold like a map behind my eyes, I see how the lines became interwoven. Due to trusting that inner voice when I was unsure of myself, lost on a black sea consumed by a terrible storm, I see now that it guided me to safe harbors. It brought me home.
I had never imagined finding my way back. Not so soon, I should say. I was in such a broken state that I honestly stopped planning a future for myself. It seemed that my attempts in trying to become a productive human being were constantly squashed. When I'd finally get a foothold, the dismal hope of pulling myself out of the pit, the foothold would give way and I'd slip, landing hard on my ass...back at the bottom all over again. I was getting tired of even trying. The point started to feel futile, as though I had become like sysiphus; compelled to continue fighting when I was doomed to fail.
I knew that if I didn't call out, the madness pooling inside would poison me. It's painful to admit that I was on the verge of planning a permanent exit route. I was tired of failing my loved ones. I was disappointed with myself, feeling as though I had become a burden. That nothing I did was contributing or making people's lives better. I was failing everyone around me and in doing so, failing myself. Now mind you, I never had the chance to properly grieve. I never began to heal.
I just went on, knowing that I didn't have the luxury to stop when life waits for no one. I had to keep going, no matter how shattered or fragmented I had become on the inside. I lived and breathed behind a mask of my own creation. I became my own lie.
Now, the mask is stripped away and I can see myself when I glance into a mirror. My eyes aren't distant and empty anymore. I see something familiar when I gaze into them. The fear has been replaced with something warm and welcoming.
Hope.
I'm not 100% back to myself, not yet. I do feel more like the person I was becoming before that terrible illness began to crawl it's way into my Father. Before my world was completely flipped upside down. It's definitely strange to realize that my life and who I am, was turned inside out in early 2013. When things seemed to finally be falling into place for me, when I was starting to plan on venturing out on my own, Dad's health started going down hill.
Even in this new stage I find myself pausing to reflect. Dad was such a powerful and constant presence in my life. Hell, I didn't plan things without finding a way to include him. When I started to mention moving to Oregon, he was a part of that plan. I was not going to leave him behind. I would not abandon him. I guess that explains why I went through hell trying to keep him here even though I knew you can't cheat death.
I will always carry him with me. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Especially now that I'm living with my Aunt and cousin. His big sister whom he was never close to. Family I accidentally came across in 2013. Never knowing they had been literally in the same city my entire life. A family, blood kin that completely accept me. I've never truly known the joy of cousins or the link you feel when you're with them. A deep bond I had only had with very few blood relatives.
There's a bit of anger at my Dad for having kept them out of our lives. But it'll pass. There's so much to work through internally and I am beyond grateful that the friends that have been my family for so long and have been there for me through everything, are the reason I didn't take that exit route.
You are why I didn't give up. I can never convey my deepest gratitude to your unwavering love, patience and support. Each and every one of you gave me hope. You still do. Though I have found blood family whom I'm starting to reconnect with, you have been and always will be my family. I am now so incredibly blessed to say that I am surrounded in a sea of angels who give me a reason to keep fighting.
Life will still have it's ups and downs but I feel as though I've managed to survive the worst of it.
It's now time to feel hopeful again, to see a bright future ahead of me. To actually visualize a better tomorrow.
And it's because of You. All of You.
*gives a warm smile*
On that note, time to ingest my caffeine and enjoy my day.
-Onyx
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