A Glimpse

Everyone has ups and downs; when they wake up and find a bit more weight on their shoulders and don't understand exactly why. Those days when your most enjoyable tasks become unwanted...or even, too much. So many things can attribute to this; stress, the loss of a loved one, a change in sleeping or eating patterns, temperature fluctuations, negative or positive ions in the atmosphere, lunar cycle, internal hormonal cycle, outside influences, a small virus wearing down on the immune system, etc. Days in which we feel weak or lagging, as though the entirety of ourselves wants nothing more than to curl up under the comfort of a warm blanket and sleep these exhausted feelings away.

I've been struggling with this for quite awhile now, and there are days when I'm so drained by the weight I'm under I have to literally Fight with myself to get a cup of coffee. I s'pose it's not just the normal stress I'm used to breezing through; like water off a duck's back. The loss of my Nuna (My Grandmother) just this past October, is still laying very heavily on this generally happy-go-lucky heart. And for the first time (Just a few days ago) I realized...she's gone. This wasn't a Logical realization, this was emotional. The inner child has finally stopped in her footsteps, looked up with those big, innocent eyes and asked me in that gentle voice, "Where's my Nuna?" and I had to peer into that fragile gaze and convince that innocence that our Nuna's gone and isn't coming back.

*takes a slow breath to steady herself* It's odd how grief works...it's different for everyone, but hurts just the same. I think, another reason for my emotional struggles is because I've been dealing with a pretty nasty chest cold the old fashioned way (Which I don't recommend for those of you without a strong immune system. You got medical insurance, use it and see your Doc. You don't wanna suffer through this like I did) and it's made me physically weak. When I'm weak, I feel vulnerable and am more openly emotional than usual. And in a sense, like the virus, my body and mind is forcing me to heal myself. Making me aware of the things I generally keep buried (not intentionally).

So not only have I been mourning the loss of my Nuna, but due to dreams...I'm still mourning the loss of my Deda (Grandfather) who had past away April '09. I've been seeing alot of him lately in my dreams, which tells me he's very close to me right now. We were very close in life, so this doesn't surprise me that he's keeping an eye on me. Not many of you may know, but I'm very connected the energies that flow within Nature, and I'm very sensitive to the unseen energies surrounding us. So I've been picking up on his presence quite a bit recently, and I had a few short visits from my Nuna (her way of telling me she was okay and that she'd be back again once she was settled). I know the reason why loved ones don't hover around you when they've just crossed over because one, they're getting acclimated to their new surroundings as well as reuniting with those that have also past, and two, they know that being close so soon after hurts more then helps. So it makes sense that my Deda would be around More now because I've had a few years to accept the physical loss and feel happy rather then sad when he's around.

Nuna on the other hand...as I've said, it's really sinking in that she's gone. And there are days, (especially within the last week) that I've felt completely lost. The human mind is such a complex mechanism. And emotions...oh lord don't get me started! *chuckles*

I s'pose this is just a glimpse of what's dancing within the intricate catacombs of my mind, and a partial explanation as to why I haven't been just steam-rolling out stories or other creations. Because I really do love sharing that with you, All of You and I hate myself when I can't get myself to do it due to my heart feeling broken.

But every day is a new start, and since this chest cold is finally ebbing and fading away, I should be back to my spaztic-ball-of-energy-self in no time^_^

And on that note, I must bid thee anon...and I hope that you are All having a wonderful morning/afternoon/day/evening/night <3

-Adieu-