Cool fall air dances gently through the open blinds... The gentle scent of Autumn, crisp Ocean Air and hidden secrets only October can bring. It puts my sore body at ease as my ravenous mind slows down from its tireless churning.
I have but a few hours before I remove myself from this spot, make myself presentable and go to work. After last night's momentary snap in sanity; the violent windstorm of destructive energy turned into a creative outlet as I finally made a crack in my internal cage. The overwhelming pressure that had steadily built up, was allowed some release...which in turn, has allowed the many wounds of this year to begin to stitch themselves back together.
I feel better on this beautiful, mid-October day. The world seems brighter somehow, even through the haunting overcast skies...there's a peaceful energy thrumming through these veins, a feeling of hope I haven't truly experienced in many months. In shorter terms, the scent of Change fills me...telling me good things, wonderful things are about to unfold before me. Maybe not all right away, but with patience...I will see it.
And Not just for myself, but for everyone. Strangely, last night (Or early morning, you could say) in allowing myself to show but a glimpse of my internal struggles...I had given the chance for others to connect, being able to express their own troubles...and in doing so, not only was I able to help them feel better, knowing that I'd been there, and caused a smile or two...made Me Feel Better. Funny how that works.
To be completely honest, I don't enjoy nor feel right about sharing my emotional misfortunes with the masses. I do however, find great comfort in being able to Listen and then Share my experiences so they know They, themselves are not alone. That is, for me, the only time I feel it's okay for me to open up and share. It's a Selfless reason.
I believe the reason for my emotional silence, is due to being the Open ear for others. And sadly, there are some, who abuse that privilege. No longer are we connecting and relating, so there can be a change and possible resolution, I'm just there to be their Emotional Punching Bad. Pouring this horrific Poison down my throat, which of course I become upset over, and afterward am told thanks...and they're just fine...where I'm left shaken and sick, unable to purge the venom swirling through my system. Venting is one thing, and I am completely fine with that. But when someone directs all their negativity on me, purposefully making Me upset because they want to 'Share The Pain' and then when I become upset, I'm suddenly told I shouldn't be... You see how unhealthy that is. It wears me down...and I almost got to a point where I didn't want anything to do with them anymore. That's Harmful, not Helpful.
I'm also like a man (and some women) in that regard; you come to me with a problem, I'll try to help you find a way to fix it. If you just want to Vent, by all means...but inform me first. However, constantly dumping your destructive filth on me so You Fell Better? Completely Unacceptable.
Sadly...you can't explain that to some people...because they didn't know they were doing this to begin with and become incredibly hurt and you're made to feel like the Villain.
*sighs'n'chuckles*
Well my luvlies, I must bid thee anon... There is a Monster energy drink to finish and a shower to be had ;)
-Adieu
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