Loss, Psychic Junk and Self Induced Insomnia

I want to write, let these thoughts release themselves into the universe... Allow them freedom to drift aimlessly into the darkness like fireflies becoming faded dots of starlight within the black.

*lets out a soft sigh while drinking a fresh cup of insta-coffee as The Door's, "Crystal Ship" starts playing*

I guess I'm at a loss. I really don't know how to Feel anymore. Three precious souls in two months. Heh...guess it's true about it always happening in 'Threes'. I even thought that after the second loss. *sighs and shakes her head*

It's hard to respond to this correctly. I mean, everyone's different. We all have our own way of grieving. This time around however... I'm in shock, which is normal, but the difference is that beneath the calm lies a great deal of Rage. Perhaps it's just so many things at once, as well as the coming of Spring adding its energy to it. I tend to soak up the charge it gives me, fueling me for the coming Renaissance Faire. But...I just... Whatever anger has remained buried for the past few years has literally just started boiling to the surface.

I thought I had a handle on it, allowing it to flow in a healthy manner by keeping myself busy. Giving it a healthy outlet through poetry and prose. Using it toward positive things.

It's an aggressive energy I get every Spring (Yay for being connected to Mother Nature lol) but it's More than that this time. As though a sleeping Titan just woke up and is in desperate need of several tons of Coffee. *chuckles at the thought of Tankers filled with hot coffee*

I just... I can feel it, behind my eyes... Alert and anxious for a target. It's not so much the call of the diabolical hormones pushing me to breed. It's the surge of adrenaline... The need to run full burst into the night, just for the thrill of it. To feel unchained... No longer held down, but standing on my own two feet. *chuckles to herself as 'Wild Child' starts playing on Random* Wow, nice timing.

I definitely feel the pull to cut loose. It's an old part of me, something I haven't felt in a long time... The very reason I'm also known as 'Wildcat'; if that tells you anything.

*lets out a soft growl and takes a drink of her coffee* Gotta love rambling when you're exhausted. *smirks as Johnny Cash's, "The Beast In Me" begins playing* Now if that doesn't nail it on the head...

Not gunna lie, that's how I feel right now. Unsure as to what the hell it plans to do if I don't keep my guard up.

Ugh...my heart hurts, my soul's grumbling and the hamster in my brain just walked out, letting the wheel squeak to a stop. I know I should probably just crash, but I don't want to sleep. I feel like even if I tried, I wouldn't sleep very well. Or maybe I just don't trust myself... No water works, not yet anyway. It's almost as though a part of me is just fucking sick of it. It's tired of the mess crying makes. Your nose stuffs up, you heave and struggle for air as your heart feels like it's trying to crawl up and out of your throat as these disgusting pools of salt stream needlessly down your flushed skin.

*growls softly* Ya, definitely pissed off this time. 

Music kinda helps, especially right now when the world, even at its most peaceful, seems to be the loudest. That probably doesn't make any sense...but, it's how my brain is perceiving things right now. It's the same feeling I get right before the moment I wake myself up from a seriously horrific nightmare with a scream trapped in the back of my throat.

Here's a weird thing I haven't mentioned... 

This past week I've been seeing Movement in the corner of my eyes. Just along the edge of my peripherals. Definitely unsettling when there's nothing around, not even my cats, when this happens. *stops and Laughs as 'People Are Strange' starts playing* Thanks Jim, that brought my mood up *chuckles and shakes her head*

And the thing is, I don't See things like that. Ever. I can 'Sense' things, but I never See anything. At least not out here in California. And yes, for those of you who aren't informed, I call myself an Empath. What others would call 'Psychic' or 'Medium' or 'Sensitive' etc. I'll make it easier for you...

Here's a List of my so called 'Abilities' (I just call it my Instinct, but it's still cool to read)

(You Can Find the Original Page Here)

Animal Telepathy - The ability to communicate with (but not command or influence) various kinds of creatures. Think "pet psychic". [Yup, got BIG Dose of this lol]

Channeling - Associated with mediums, this is the ability to act as a channel or vessel for an outside intelligence. [Ya...and sometimes it's annoying]

Clairaudience - Put simply, this type of ability is used to hear what is "inaudible". For example, someone with this ability could be a thousand miles way and "hear" a loved one's cry of distress. [Heavy dose of this one]

Clairvoyance - Usually confused with Precognition, this ability actually has much more in common with "Remote Viewing", True clairvoyance is not the ability to see into the future, but the psychic ability to see visions of that which is hidden or far away. [Oh ya...which is why it's not a good idea to lie to me]

Clairsentience - In this instance the psychic has an insight or "knowing" of and a hidden or forgotten fact. [Happens allot...which can be awkward when someone doesn't want you to know something about them]

Empathy - The talent to sense the needs, drives, and emotions of another. As with Aura Reading, psychic ability can often reveal itself through the development of empathy. [Definitely my natural state lol]

E.S.P. - Extra Sensory Perception is the awareness of information about events external to the psychic that are not gained through the senses and not deducible from previous experience. Often used to describe clairvoyance, precognition, telepathy, etc... [Which can be seriously confusing...]

Intuition - Similar to clairsentience, this is the power or faculty of attaining direct knowledge or cognition without rational thought or inference. [Happens ALL the damned time >.<]

Precognition - Quite simply, "knowing the future". However, since time is a dynamic construct, no one psychic can ever know every detail about the future. Usually this ability refers to knowing general outcomes of specific courses of action, with occasional flashes of detailed insight. [Yup, it happens and I try to brush it off...]

Psychometry - Also known as "object reading", psychometry enables a psychic to pick up on psychic impressions (vibrations) left on an object by someone connected with it. Someone with this ability could use an unfamiliar object to reveal much about its owner. [Also very easy for me, but I just figure it's got energy, I'll just figure out what the energy feels like when I touch it. It's actually pretty cool :)]

*  *  *

So ya, I'm one of them 'Weird Ones' but it's all good, I mostly keep it to myself unless you know me. I'm not ashamed of it, it's not something I chose to have. *shrugs* It's Genetic. If people are genuinely curious about it, I don't mind answering questions. But I really find it disrespectful when someone snarks and chimes, "Oh ya? So what am I thinking right now?" I hate that *growls and shakes her head* That's when I usually muse wickedly, "I never said I was a mind reader" and will add something personal only they know (it's that whole just 'picking up on it' thing) and they usually shuttup.

It's not really that big of a deal. Everyone is 'Sensitive' in their own ways. I just happen to have a Hefty dose of this Animal Instinct. It simply means dormant parts of my brain are actually very active compared to most. Just more electricity bouncing around in there, which may explain the hamster falling off the wheel more than twice a day *chuckles*

Damn, 2:31am and I'm tempted to make me another cup of caffeine goodness. Can you tell I don't want to sleep? *smirks* Rambling goodness at its finest ^_^

I hope my tangents haven't been too brain-frying for you... I'm just writing for the sake of getting my thoughts in some sort of organized chaos. I don't like the feeling that loss weaves... Definitely an unpleasant taste in my mouth :/

The good thing, I suppose, is that I've made good on my word about writing a blog everyday. It definitely has helped a great deal more than I thought it would. I mean, I write enough as it is my leather bound journal (it's some crazy small handwriting lol) but here I can be more amusing. Sharing things here that aren't all that fun to write down just for myself. Really personal stuff doesn't even get written down by hand. Those tend to stay in my head. I'm weird like that. I forget the quote exactly, but it was basically, 'Don't tell someone all of your secrets otherwise you'll lose who you are.' Or something, and shtuff. It makes sense :P

Okay, off to make another cup, be right back ;) *ventures forth into the perilous depths of her tiny kitchen of doom-and returns with coffee o doom* 

Whoot for Insomnia by choice!! O.o lol

I'm weary of the fact that I may end up having Nightmares...and I really don't enjoy those very much. Sometimes, if it's just a Segment of a Nightmare between two normal dreams, I can deal. My Normal Dreams have been described as normal people's Nightmares. So if I actually have a Nightmare of my Own... It's pretty awful. Let's just say I'd rather be in Silent Hill with a Lead Pipe...because at least I know I have a chance. (Ya, they're really That Bad)

Good times... Fun for the whole family! O.o Ya, not so much *lets out a soft laugh*

Heh, look at that...3am on the dot. Now I really can't go to sleep yet. I'm sure some of you know of Midnight being the 'Witching Hour' and 3am is the 'Mocking of the Trinity' thing. Now, even though I'm a 'Reader' (whatever you wanna call it) I'm actually very rational, logical and believe it or not...skeptical. Crazy right? So when I heard all this hullabaloo about 3:00am being the time when 'Negative Energies' make their presence known, I called Bullshit. That's until I experienced more than a few very unsettling things at 3 o'clock in the morning over the years. Things I don't think I want to share due to the chill that dances along the delicate hairs along my spine just thinking about it... *shudders*

Let's just say I can't call bullshit anymore. Sure, Midnight does have its 'Witchy' moments, but that's because the energy of the day is immersed into cool darkness and I swear I can feel the switch if I'm awake. It really is more peaceful. But strangely enough, around 3am I sense a slight...shift. Like that very quiet charge you might feel when someone walks into the room. You don't have to look at them to feel that they're there.

But if I have animals around me, I definitely feel more at ease. They're even More sensitive to unseen energies. So if they react, alarms go off in my head. Most of the time, they're like, 'Whatever' and I have nothing to worry about.

Sometimes there are energies that slip in that don't bother my Cats, but they make me uneasy... I can feel them, I know I'm not crazy, I also know they can't hurt me... They just put me on edge.

And sometimes, while curled up in my bed, my bedroom door closed so as to not let the boys (my two cats) wake me up in the middle of the night by them suddenly feeling the need to use my head like a hot wheels track (cute lil fuzzballs lol) I can get incredibly uneasy... Knowing that I, am indeed Alone in my room, and suddenly feeling some thing standing by my bed... Kinda scary. Well, only until I calm myself and focus on it. It used to scare the hell out of me, because I didn't know Who or What it was. Now, I do. And instead of freaking me the hell out, I suddenly feel safe and fall asleep faster. 

WOW... Barlow Girl, "Never Alone" just started playing... *laughs* I love my music on Random XD Here's the Lyrics so you can see why that made me crack up...

-[Verse 1]-

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?
-[Chorus] -
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
-[Verse 2]-
And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life
-[Bridge]-
We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
(-[Chorus] -)
We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

(-[Chorus]-)

((You Can Watch The Lyrics Video Here))

I believe the group is Christian, but that's all good ^_^ The Song can be interpreted in many ways, and I think they're phenomenal musicians regardless of their Religion. And I follow Shamanism aka Animal Medicine so that should tell you something ;P

*yawns and blinks* Damn... I cannot believe how much crap I've written. Hell, I can't believe half the crap I wrote about. I guess you can't say this was boring *giggles softly*

Well, I think this is my stop for the night. Or Morning...ah, whatever, it's dark so it's still night time, dag nab it! XD

Hopefully I don't have any horrible dreams and I actually get something akin to sleep and that tomorrow's a better day.

If you were able to Read all the way to the end, you so deserve a cookie!

*giggles'n'huggles her luvlies tight*

And on that note, I bid thee anon. ^_^

-Adieu