A deep ache slithers down the tense muscles of a rigid spine, every slight shift or movement sends sharp blades of pain to slice through angry nerve endings as a tired form settles into a well loved gaming chair. The red and black material worn, small scratches lining the fabric from sharp claws using it as a personal scratching post.
Slowly, a small hand lifts a Nightmare Before Xmas mug to full lips, a slight tremble dances down the arm as she takes a tentative sip of the coffee within. The warmth slips along the tongue and travels a line of heat down her throat, only to pool in her stomach like a warm hug from the inside.
Thoughts float aimlessly within a restless mind, scattered and drifting like tiny fireflies blinking off and on within an all-consuming void of consciousness.
Strange memories dance behind tired hazel eyes as the dreams still echo softly beyond their sight. Relentless flashes of moments that have no rhyme or reason.
Searching, always searching. There's no real theme but that. I was searching for something or perhaps, someone. I could sense their presence, a quiet sentinel watching my every move as I wandered the endless leviathan of my dreamscape.
Wherever I went, I could feel their eyes on me. A quiet knowing of a presence that was somehow tethered to me like an invisible string I'll never be rid of. There was that deep knowing that no matter where I was, they were with me...just out of reach but always close.
It was maddening.
There were fleeting moments when I'd catch a glimpse of eyes from across the room. Intense, thoughtful, scrutinizing my every move like a wolf watching silently from the cover of a forest. But when my gaze found those eyes, my breath would hitch. They were pools of deep purple, impossibly vibrant as a splash of rose gold pulsed softly just beneath their pupils. Like amethyst nebulas.
-lets out a soft sigh, as Sarah McLachlan's 'Building A Mystery' begins playing through her headphones-
It's another sunny spring day but with a breeze dancing through the forest, causing cherry blossom petals to rain down softly over the front yard. You'd think I'd be outside, enjoying this gorgeous weather. In the past, I would be out there, soaking up what little sun I rarely get these days.
But my body had other plans when I found myself rising from unconsciousness. Some days, as I've mentioned before, are more of a struggle pain wise then others. Today is one of them.
Nothing beats waking up and feeling a deep stabbing pinch digging into the right side of my pelvis, just above my right butt-cheek. One that if I'm not careful, will surge like lightning and I lose the use of my legs, feeling them give out from beneath me and I have to fight gravity from pulling me to the ground in a ego-bruising heap.
It's just the fried nerves along my spinal chord, deciding to give me hell for years of living in survival mode.
-scoffs darkly and takes another drink of her coffee, as Third Eye Blind's 'How's It Going To Be' plays softly in her ears-
I've learned to just expect every day to bring me a new pain, as even after trying to sleep, my body will do as it pleases. Just gotta accept it for what it is, because there is literally Nothing that can be done. I've done the exercise, I've gained a tremendous amount of muscle after losing well over 120lbs of extra weight, I've done the physical therapy, I've had the excruciating experimental shots in my actual spinal chord. I've lost hair due to it being nothing more than a severely traumatic experience...the pain is still there, angrier than ever.
I did all the things you're supposed to do and it did jack-shit. Sometimes, it made it worse. Oh and if I get upset, if my emotions get away from me or I start to experience my complex PTSD flaring up; flashbacks flickering behind my eyes, the pain will become agony. It's all connected.
Trauma does horrific damage to your brain and your nervous system. It changes you.
Probably why I'm just not the same person anymore.
-she gives a gallic shrug and takes another drink of her coffee, The Rolling Stones' '(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction' starts playing and she lets out a soft laugh at the irony-
On that lovely note of doom, I'm gunna finish this second cup of magical bean water and probably make another pot. The caffeine doesn't hurt my spine, my brain does.
See you on the flipside.
-Adieu
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