My Own Pet Xenomorph ^_^

Tired eyes focus on the softly glowing monitor before her, the soft movement of air flowing behind her from the fans circulating fresh air through the quiet room. A pulsing ache settles in her lower back, echoes of the day before, less sharp today allowing her some small relief.

The slow pounding rhythm of Bad Company's 'Bad Company' flows from the gaming headset's speakers into her ears, music pouring through her senses allowing her to focus on the soft tapping of her small fingers along black keys.

A small curve pulls at full lips as 'Paint It Black' by The Rolling Stones follows as she tries to find the most colorful way to convey the endless thoughts dancing within her mind. They're flickering in and out of her grasp, teasing her like formless fireflies along the darkened landscape of her inner world.

*-*-*

That was the beginning of what I was starting to write yesterday, but never got past the third paragraph.

So as of right now, I'm drinking my third cup of coffee while 1994's 'Wolf' plays in the background, the movie pouring through the headset as I type away along black keys. One of my favorite werewolf movies with a fantastic score, amazing cast and superb writing. Such an underrated movie, I highly recommend it if you enjoy a more thoughtful, haunting kind of werewolf story. Honestly brilliant.

I've always loved werewolf movies, the thought of getting a gift of transformation by a powerful creature that's a blend of human and wolf, I would honestly be thrilled. Especially the myth where you are still you, despite the physical changes.

I think I've always loved that idea because of being made to feel helpless when I was very small and later on as I grew. To be able to shift and actually protect yourself as well as others...that sounds like heaven to the scared littler girl buried within.

Speaking of that little girl, I was playing around with a free image generator (yes, A.I., don't hate me) and I was able to create something that represents what my inner world looks like when I mention my inner child being protected by her dream guardians. I wanted to share one of them.

That's a very close depiction of what it's like in my mind, hidden behind my eyes.

Ever since I was four years old, I had a deep fascination and love for Xenomorphs. Especially when I finally saw Aliens when I was about, I wanna say six years old when it was available for home video. I remember watching it and wanting to be like Ripley when I grew up and also really loved the Alien Queen, which is weird yes, but considering it's me, it makes complete sense.

Dark creatures and spooky things have never really bothered me (for obvious reasons) but one reason I've never really mentioned before is that...I learned in single digits that it's not the monster under your bed or the thing in your closet you should be afraid of...it's usually the one sleeping in the top bunk bed.

-grows quiet while she takes a slow drink of her coffee, clears her throat and continues-

When I was small, I wished I could bring my dream guardians to life. Honestly, that would've saved me a lot of future trauma. 

Watching themes in my favorite shows, like Supernatural for instance, about creating a Tulpa. Gods, I'd give anything to be able to do that. Bring an imaginary friend to the physical reality? That'd be friggin' sweet. I'd definitely never have to worry about being alone anymore. It'd be nice to have the company late at night when everyone's asleep, you know?

Heh...I'm a dork. Going off about imaginary friends like I'm just a big kid. Honestly, yeah. No surprise there.

-smirks, shakes her head and takes another drink of her coffee, listening to the music of the end credits as it plays in another window on her computer-

Gotta love multitasking. Makes my magical little Neurodivergent brain happy.

Anyhoozle, I'm gunna jet. See ya'll in the morrow.

-Adieu

Fireflies, Cherry Blossoms, and Amethyst Eyes

 A deep ache slithers down the tense muscles of a rigid spine, every slight shift or movement sends sharp blades of pain to slice through angry nerve endings as a tired form settles into a well loved gaming chair. The red and black material worn, small scratches lining the fabric from sharp claws using it as a personal scratching post.

Slowly, a small hand lifts a Nightmare Before Xmas mug to full lips, a slight tremble dances down the arm as she takes a tentative sip of the coffee within. The warmth slips along the tongue and travels a line of heat down her throat, only to pool in her stomach like a warm hug from the inside.

Thoughts float aimlessly within a restless mind, scattered and drifting like tiny fireflies blinking off and on within an all-consuming void of consciousness.

Strange memories dance behind tired hazel eyes as the dreams still echo softly beyond their sight. Relentless flashes of moments that have no rhyme or reason.

Searching, always searching. There's no real theme but that. I was searching for something or perhaps, someone. I could sense their presence, a quiet sentinel watching my every move as I wandered the endless leviathan of my dreamscape.

Wherever I went, I could feel their eyes on me. A quiet knowing of a presence that was somehow tethered to me like an invisible string I'll never be rid of. There was that deep knowing that no matter where I was, they were with me...just out of reach but always close.

It was maddening.

There were fleeting moments when I'd catch a glimpse of eyes from across the room. Intense, thoughtful, scrutinizing my every move like a wolf watching silently from the cover of a forest. But when my gaze found those eyes, my breath would hitch. They were pools of deep purple, impossibly vibrant as a splash of rose gold pulsed softly just beneath their pupils. Like amethyst nebulas.

-lets out a soft sigh, as Sarah McLachlan's 'Building A Mystery' begins playing through her headphones-

It's another sunny spring day but with a breeze dancing through the forest, causing cherry blossom petals to rain down softly over the front yard. You'd think I'd be outside, enjoying this gorgeous weather. In the past, I would be out there, soaking up what little sun I rarely get these days.

But my body had other plans when I found myself rising from unconsciousness. Some days, as I've mentioned before, are more of a struggle pain wise then others. Today is one of them.

Nothing beats waking up and feeling a deep stabbing pinch digging into the right side of my pelvis, just above my right butt-cheek. One that if I'm not careful, will surge like lightning and I lose the use of my legs, feeling them give out from beneath me and I have to fight gravity from pulling me to the ground in a ego-bruising heap.

It's just the fried nerves along my spinal chord, deciding to give me hell for years of living in survival mode.

-scoffs darkly and takes another drink of her coffee, as Third Eye Blind's 'How's It Going To Be' plays softly in her ears-

I've learned to just expect every day to bring me a new pain, as even after trying to sleep, my body will do as it pleases. Just gotta accept it for what it is, because there is literally Nothing that can be done. I've done the exercise, I've gained a tremendous amount of muscle after losing well over 120lbs of extra weight, I've done the physical therapy, I've had the excruciating experimental shots in my actual spinal chord. I've lost hair due to it being nothing more than a severely traumatic experience...the pain is still there, angrier than ever.

I did all the things you're supposed to do and it did jack-shit. Sometimes, it made it worse. Oh and if I get upset, if my emotions get away from me or I start to experience my complex PTSD flaring up; flashbacks flickering behind my eyes, the pain will become agony. It's all connected.

Trauma does horrific damage to your brain and your nervous system. It changes you.

Probably why I'm just not the same person anymore.

-she gives a gallic shrug and takes another drink of her coffee, The Rolling Stones' '(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction' starts playing and she lets out a soft laugh at the irony-

On that lovely note of doom, I'm gunna finish this second cup of magical bean water and probably make another pot. The caffeine doesn't hurt my spine, my brain does.

See you on the flipside.

-Adieu

Crow Guardians

Tired eyes peer out small a window towards the massive tree near the house, branches extended less than four feet away, bright green leaves growing along new, thin branches that inching ever closer to the glass. The reason this should give one pause, is that the window (which is one of very few originals of when the small two-story was built in 1937) is three stories off the ground. The tree in question is even larger, growing up and out of a steep ravine well behind the house, the ancient living sentinel twisting up into the sky, easily dwarfing this home by several stories.

So when I say I'm blissfully surrounded by the forest itself, I'm being quiet literal.

The same tree nestled among other species, namely even taller giants reaching high into the heavens, their trunks so thick that when 50mph wind gust rip passed them, they barely move.

This is where the local murder likes to stop by and peer in at me, intelligent eyes curious whenever they notice me upstairs. They usually peer down into the kitchen, which is directly below me, because this small window now has a portable air conditioner unit installed, so they can't communicate with me like they used to.

Yes, I've become good friends with the crows that live in this area. They do in fact follow me around town whenever I leave the house, keeping a close eye on me to make sure I'm safe.

They even bonded with my Mom when she was here and when she had to live in a small motel room for awhile further away. I made sure she was introduced to them and because she would feed them and greet them whenever she was outside, and they naturally fell in love with her.

There were a few times they would come and actively wake me up in the other room where my bedroom is, another window faces out into the front yard, just over the mudroom of the front door. I would get up, call out to them that I was up and they'd quiet down...or one time, I was downstairs in the living room, to the right of the front door where windows line the same wall as the front door and the wall facing the neighbors house of our shared driveway.

That day in particular was almost out of a Hitchcock film.

A large group of my corvid friends had surrounded our house, noticing me moving around downstairs and starting calling out to me, swooping down low between the houses to get my attention. They seemed almost panicked as I greeted them, and I suddenly sensed I needed to call my Mom. So while I was sitting on the couch that's pressed up against said wall, I had her on speaker phone. When she answered, she could hear them and I told her they wanted me to call her.

Come to find out she had needed to be taken to the hospital for some reason (her health was getting worse at the time) and she had noticed the crows where she was had seemed more lively than normal.

The part that always gets me, is that as soon as the crows heard my Mom's voice over the speaker, they all instantly calmed down. They had made sure I checked on her.

I had created a similar bond with the crows in southern California over many years before we eventually moved up here in June of 2019. I even have videos of them surrounding the house I lived in, playfully chirping at me in their family's dialect as if I had been accepted into the flock.

Crows have always been with me, among other animals for as far back as I can remember.

Raccoons, squirrels, pigeons, geese, coyotes, hawks, owls, deer (the list is ridiculously long lol) etc. No matter where I find myself, I can always rely on the fact that I'm never truly alone.

-grows a small smile and takes a tentative sip of her fresh cup of scolding coffee as The Eagles, 'Hotel California' spills through her headphones-

Whenever I've not felt my best, either emotionally or physically (more often then not it's both) all it takes to pull me out of it, is to spend time with a non-human animal. I used to frequent Petco just so I could interact with the critters. I can't really describe the peace that sweeps over me when I communicate with them. It settles something inside me.

Well, my brain seems to have gone quiet (shocking I know lol) so I'm gunna end it here for the day. On that note, I shall bid thee luvlies, anon.

-Adieu

Just a glimpse in the trees

 (Started at 12:13pm)

The soft whirring of a box fan to my right pulls cool, fresh forest air into the kitchen where I sit, a hot cup of coffee placed on the old kitchen table before me. A table that belonged to my Dad that is actually older than myself.

Gentle bird song drifts in, spring having taken full effect, the trees now vibrant with lush new growth as flowers bloom and face the early afternoon sun. A break in the typical Pacific Northwest constant rainfall.

It reminds me of those late mornings back when I lived with my Dad in that apartment near the sea. When the early morning fog would start to burn off with the marine layer, the chill of the ocean on a playful breeze as green parrots chattered in lively groups like a bunch of unchaperoned flying toddlers in the nearby trees outside our windows.

The peace it would bring me was like no other, until I found myself here in this fairytale-like home, tucked away on a small hill, surrounded by a temperate rainforest, teaming with life.

Clear skies are a rare occurrence here, as we're usually graced with constant rain, a much welcomed change from the long hot days of sunny southern California.

A soft murmuring meow sounds to my left, my orange feline Son Jonesy, (who will be turning 7 years old this coming June) asking politely for my attention as I sit here, typing my thoughts down into my smart phone.

Maleficent, aka 'Mal' (she'll be turning 4 years old this November) comes sauntering over, her lithe black form gently rubbing against the legs of my chair, the long silky fur of her tail tickling my thigh as Jonesy, who's easily twice her size, hisses in annoyance at her nonchalant presence. That's siblings for you.

My other daughter, Regina aka Reggie, is lounging somewhere in the living room, she's also rather large for a female cat (she'll also be turning 4 years old this September) her Bombay black coat spotty along her round form due to ripping her fur out after losing GIR (who had turned 18 last Dec 31st) on January 23rd. Even her short stubby tail has patches missing due to her grief.

Yes, they Are my children despite being tiny house panthers. Since I'm half wild myself, I don't see much of a difference. Kids are kids.

-chuckles and takes a drink of her coffee-

You know, I find it rather odd that we had fog this morning (fog here on the old hill isn't all that common). It never quite reaches our house but it surrounds the property...as if pushed back by an invisible barrier by the forest itself.

There is something magical about the area I currently call my home. The trees here are ancient and the land itself carries an energy of unseen things that are very much aware of us.

I've always been sensitive to the world beyond our human sight since I was 6 months old, in diapers and could barely walk, let alone speak. I remember very distinctly that I couldn't remember faces but I remember people's Scent and their Voice. I had no idea until many years later, that it's normal for munchkins at 6 months old to not recall their parent's faces.

Weird, huh?

Anyhoozle, back to the spoopy mystical crap.

I've been to many places where the echo of the past lingers in the ground, the surrounding area. I could feel the weight of the emotions, the scars of painful yesterdays. The residual human imprint left behind. It's normal for me.

However, once I came here to this small town in Washington State, I was met with an entirely different energy. Instead of feeling the heavy stain of people (that somewhat hostile, unwanted 'colonizer' energy), I was welcomed by nature itself and something far older that seemed curious.

For the first time in my short existence I genuinely felt safe. Welcome.

I wish I could properly convey how healing it's been to live here where there are things existing just outside this house that are as old as the land itself and not once, have I felt threatened. Sure, it was mildly unnerving the first year living here as I became accustomed to the strange things that go bump in the night.

But overall, it was the best decision moving up here nearly 7 years ago this coming June.

One of my favorite things here is that we actually have seasons and I get to experience the shift in nature as it happens. Back in Southern California, living near the ocean or my time living in the arid desert near Palm Springs, we had three modes; hot, dry and wet. I honestly don't know how I survived for so long, considering my body is actually built for colder temperatures. Anything above 68°F becomes too warm. 70°F is pushing it...oh, that's because the humidity here is 90%.

-grows a small smile and shakes her head, coffee nearly gone-

Gotta love half-asleep ramblings of a barely caffeinated moon brain. 

-/-

It's now 6:28pm and I'm workin' on my...fourth cup of coffee. I know, it's a problem. A delicious problem. -grins and lets out a laugh at herself-

I dunno why I say the things that I do, it's been a life-long issue I still have yet to resolve. The whole, 'I Open My Mouth and Words Fall Out.' I swear I need that as a warning label on my person whenever I leave the house.

-scoffs softly and shakes her head as David Bowie's 'As The World Falls Down' spills through her gaming headset-

So what's next for today? Honestly, no clue. Try to power through the agony surging through my spine as best as possible. Some days are easier than others, it just depends on my nerves and if the feel like being absolute asshats, as they often tend to be.

Anyhoozle, I also took a picture today...well, a few but only liked two of them. I'll share one here that I haven't shared anywhere else. Not the biggest fan of how round my face looks, but I thought it came out kinda...I dunno, nifty?

On that note my luvlies, I'm gunna jet.

-Adieu

Something To Talk About...

A dull ache trickles along damaged nerve endings as a crisp breeze whispers passed, fans whirring quietly in the background as they pull fresh spring air from the open window, the surrounding forest watches like ancient sentinels, sunlight muted behind a layer of clouds, promising rain.

Small fingers move as the mind struggles to remember the strange dreams that echo behind tired eyes, sleep still clinging to sore muscles as a fresh cup of hot coffee sits nearby, ready to be consumed as tiny whisps of steam curl above the Nightmare Before Xmas mug.

A small smile curves full lips as music swells within the gaming headset placed over sensitive  ears. Another random playlist, music consisting of classic rock a set of brothers who drove a '67 Chevy Impala would be seen listening to as they drove lone two-lane highways towards another hunt.

-takes a sip of her coffee as Bob Seger's 'Night Moves' finishes and Bad Company's 'Feel Like Makin' Love' begins playing, she glances over the rim of her mug at the list, chuckling softly as Kansas' 'Carry On Wayward Son' is set to play next-

The smile remains on her tired face at the oddness of it, realizing with her high arched brow knitting together curiously that her dreams had also been themed after her favorite show 'Supernatural'. That before she woke up, she remembered receiving a facetime call on her smartphone of non other then the old beloved hunter himself, Bobby Singer. He was reaching out to her on behalf of the Winchesters on a case they were workin' on.

She hasn't dreamt of them in some time. Hell, she hasn't even watched the show in quite awhile for that matter since it switched from Netflix over to Peacock's streaming service. Not that she'd need to, having seen the entire 15 season series Several times up until this point.

She immediately stops as 'Carry On Wayward Son' starts playing, finding herself singing along, a wave of warm nostalgia swimming down her frazzled spine.

But the happy feelings are fleeting as a stab echoes in her lower back where her spine sinks into her pelvis. A soft growl slithers past clenched teeth, annoyed that even in a simple moment where she's not even moving, her body reminds her of just how broken she really is.

A quiet sigh of defeat leaves her as she shakes her head, focusing instead on getting her thoughts to fill the screen before her, actively trying to do what she used to in the past and write as soon as she could once she woke up.

-she reaches over, taking another hefty drink of her coffee, enjoying the way the heat slides down her throat as Bad Company's 'Shooting Star' begins playing and she finds herself swaying despite the pain she's in-

I'm diggin' the theme for today. Like I poetically mentioned earlier, I did dream of Bobby himself, his gruff face peering back at me through the screen of my phone as he adjusted his ballcap. He was annoyed at the boys being reckless and had reached out to me about a case they were about to fumble, knowing I actually listened to the old hunter and had a better grasp on the particular monster Sam and Dean were about to face. He wanted me to head over to them and meet up at the motel they were staying out while too far away from the bunker. I agreed with a laugh, seeing how frustrated the old hunter was.

I honestly miss dreams like that. Where my brain places me in the actual world of the movie or tv show universe I love as an active participant. It's a really nice escape from the hellscape I have to wake up to everyday.

And no, I don't mean life. I mean the broken meatsuit I happen to be occupying currently that doctors are stumped on how to treat. The damaged nerves along my spine is irreversible; they can't do anything about it. Somethin' about an aftereffect of living in survival mode from the age of 6 and on. Living with severe Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) has its unwanted perks.

Don't be like me kids. -she smirks and takes another drink of her coffee when she quirks an arched brow as David Bowie's 'As The World Falls Down' spills through her headphones, looks over and notices Aerosmith's 'Angel' is next-

Weird song choice, but okay.

You know, it's nice to just let myself type away again. My brain is calm enough right now from the eventual white noise that will fill it once I'm more awake to be able to sit down and just...let myself ramble on. Not that I really expect anyone to be paying attention to my tiny blip on the interwebs.

That's once of the reasons I started this blog so many years ago. It wasn't to gain attention, it was just so I had my own little outlet that I could share if anyone was curious enough to take a glance at. Sometimes it's nice to read someone else's thoughts/feelings/etc. Like a mini escape from your own chaos, given a small glimpse into how someone's mind works. Since mine is a perpetual hamster wheel forever spinning at high speeds while teetering dangerously sideways, I know someone will be entertained.

It also allows me a look back at how I was feeling that day, what I was going through at the time of sitting down and allowing myself to type away.

-lets out a hearty laugh when Guns N' Roses, 'Paradise City' begins thundering through her ears-

Yeah, definitely love the songs the universe is sendin' my way. They're all on random too. This particular playlist is a bit of an oddball because the songs I was listening to yesterday were none of these, especially before I finally crashed for a few hours.

From previous entries you'll know I've struggled with sleep for years, especially when Dad got sick and he had me up every few hours to every thirty minutes. There were long stretches of time that I was literally surviving on maybe 8 to 6 hours of a sleep in a Week. Yeah, I don't know how the hell I got through that...considering that went on for Months.

-shrugs and takes another drink of from her Nightmare Before Xmas mug, body slowly swaying to the song she loves belting out when no one can hear her-

Another perk of living in a cute fairytale like two-story house surrounded in thick temperate rainforest is that when I do decide to cut loose and really sing, I know the neighbors (which there aren't too many and the ones we do have, are lovely humans) don't mind, or think we're blasting music upstairs where I'm currently hiding. The only ones that actively care, are the local Murder of Crows that swing by, checking in on me through the windows while perched in the nearby branches of ancient trees. It's nice.

-stops mid type when AC/DC's 'Back In Black' starts playing and grows a ridiculously bright smile-

This is fuckin' awesome -chuckles softly and shakes her head- I really needed this today.

-pauses to take a look at how much she's actually written- Wow, I've really just let myself ramble away, haven't I? Heh...guess I missed this.

Well my luvlies, I think this is where I'm gunna call for today. My coffee is almost gone and there's more downstairs in the stainless steel 8 cup camping percolator (cowboy coffee is the BEST coffee honestly) waiting for me on the stove that needs my attention.

Thanks for hangin' out with me :) -pauses one last time as Bonnie Raitt's 'Something To Talk About' starts playing through her gaming headset-

On that note, anon.

-Adieu

Been a minute, hasn't it?

Warm sunlight pours through high treetops, a living forest seeming to exhale and sway as a cool breeze whispers past. Cherry blossoms emerge in clusters, their soft fragrance brought in through the open window, dancing along my acute senses. The scent is calming as the energy around me remains calm, peaceful almost as I sit before a wide monitor, watching as white text fills a dark space. Small fingers dancing with an expert grace along black keys, a soft red glow illuminating the dark keyboard.

A haunting beat pours into my ears through a set of gaming headphones, sending tingles down my aching spine as 'Mercy' by Hurts plays on repeat finding solace in my quiet contemplation hidden away from the world.

Many years have trickled by since the last time I willingly shared my poetic-prose with the world. Nearly seven years to be exact. Why I haven't...I'm honestly not all that sure myself. A lot has happened, a lot has changed and I'm just not the person I once was. In fact, she doesn't look back at me anymore whenever I see my reflection in the mirror.

-she pauses to take a hefty drink of fresh coffee from her Nightmare Before Xmas mug and smirks-

I've been wanting to write something, to share. I did struggle for a long while as to why I'd even want to in the first place. That age old, "what's the fucking point?" Yeah, I went through a heavy patch where I just didn't see the point to any of my old creative outlets.

I realize now with a quiet sadness, that when I go back and read through old posts, I'm painfully aware of the struggle I was going through. Where I was trying desperately to hold to myself, to stay intact when I was literally coming a part at the seams.

The levee finally broke. Everything I thought I was, what made me who I am...shattered.

This is what's left.

I'm still me, just different. Quieter. Less likely to speak up, to share. Definitely became more reserved even if I miss sharing my life. It could just be another rough patch, trying to navigate how to be open again while still remaining private. It's possible, I have done it before. Guess I just need to be a little cryptic until I can find my footing again.

I suppose I needed time to figure myself out, what was actually happening behind my eyes instead of just pushing forward without stopping. Living in survival mode for so many years wasn't intentional and it did finally catch up with me. Like a brick to the face.

There were things about myself I needed to face head on, painful truths about negative energies I kept allowing into my life. I recognized very specific patterns and actively worked on them. In doing so, I had to take a step back.

Not gunna lie, it fuckin' sucked. Realizing that there were...toxic types I kept allowing close to me due to being raised around that as a child and my nervous system thought it was normal, that it was safe because it's all I knew. Once I really looked at it and myself, I made the appropriate changes to finally get myself on the right path again, even if it was painful at first.

No one likes admitting they were wrong. No one likes to admit that they were responsible for the negative people they kept allowing to get close to them because it was all they knew. Negative attachments. One-sided friendships that were never really a friend in the first place. I just couldn't see it.

That's where the healing comes in. When you do the hard shit first and feel like an open wound trying to clean up the mess you've made. It's not pretty and it really does hurt like hell.

I am better now, well...for the most part.

I took a step back from everyone because I knew I had to face myself. I had to have a long hard look at why this shit kept happening and knew it was solely based on my own decisions. I had no one to blame but myself. So I did the work, quietly.

I think I'm finally at a point where I'm healed enough to step forward again and stop hiding myself. I really did miss sharing little tidbits of my life. Missed social interaction. Probably why I'm pushing myself to sit here and type this out.

We all go through ups and downs, tis the nature of life and all its lovely complexities.

You know what I really miss? Going to Renn faire. My Faire Family. So fucking much that I feel my chest ache. I hope this faire season brings a lot of joy to those who are able to go. Know that I'm thinkin' about you and miss you all terribly. I also miss that side of myself...she's been buried for a long time now.

Anyhoozle, I think that's where I'm gunna leave it for now. Is it the best update after seven years? Probably not, but hey...at least it's sumthin', you know?

-gives a small smile-

On that note, I shall bid thee anon.

-Adieu