Rambling Vent

These past few days have actually been a real test on my sanity. I try to hide it with humor or with something pleasant so I don't slip and accidentally reveal how emotionally strung out I really am.

As you may know, my Big Brother came out last Sunday, along with one of his awesome friends and later on, Marco joined us in going through things so we could either trash it or begin packing it. We actually managed to do allot. Honestly, the guys did most of the work and didn't really expect me to do much but help out every so often. I helped anyway :P

But the part I haven't mentioned... Is how Dad's panic has been severely affecting me. I didn't get any sleep the past two nights prior to Sunday because he kept me up, or would call me right as I fell asleep because he 'Needed Help' only to find out he really didn't, he just freaked out. This, has been going on since last Friday. Every Night... No matter how many damned times I've told him to calm down and relax, he doesn't listen. His brain is really not functioning right now and he's literally pushing my sanity off a fucking cliff.

Because of this, it's been almost impossible to relax enough to start working on sorting/cleaning/packing this place. He just does not listen to me. I have tried to explain everything logically to him, and though he acknowledges it...his brain chemistry is all screwed up and if he starts panicking, it's like talking to a wall.

I know he isn't doing this intentionally, driving me to the brink of a nervous breakdown isn't what he wants. 

Logically I get it, but emotionally? It makes me feel so fucking worthless. As though I'm just a slave. I'm running on very little sleep, I ask for a moment to myself...and don't get it. I'm pestered relentlessly, and on top of that he's even weaker because he got himself so worked up. I can't get him to stand up anymore, his legs are too weak and he's even more swollen. All I wanted to do was focus on the fact that we're gunna be GONE after this coming Sunday. That we'll finally be free of this place that I'd like to burn to the fucking ground...

I'm really not trying to be a downer, I'm trying to vent. I'm just trying to get this all out because if I don't, I'm going to bloody my knuckles against the fucking wall.

It also hurts to know that I've bothered someone by talking about this in a lighter manner. Trying to rehash things that happened, even if they were crappy, so I could end it on a happier note by finishing off by talking about how the night ended really well. But I was abruptly cut off and told flat out that all I was doing was being negative... If I'm stressed it's fine to talk about it, but when I seem to be in a good mood, I'm negative anyway and they didn't want to hear it anymore. That was NOT my intent. I'm sorry I didn't convey myself properly in the first place. I thought if my tone was lighter, actively TRYING to sound chipper even though the events weren't the happiest, I thought I was being better about it. I guess I was greatly mistaken and just need to keep my god damned mouth shut. It just hurt...being 'corrected' like that, only to have them try to talk about happy things... I wasn't in the mood for talking anymore and ended the conversation sooner than normal. But what hurt more, is how quickly they got off the phone too...as if they were glad I was going away.

I don't even know how to respond anymore... My reactions to things are skewed and I'm trying so hard to come off okay, that I'm fine and there's nothing to worry about. I thought that if I was kinda making light of it, it wouldn't be so bad. I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I opened my mouth...

So now, honestly... I don't want to talk to anyone about it anymore. Period. I don't need to constantly spew my struggle onto someone else because they said it was okay in the first place. Because it's not okay. I won't dump on the people I care about. Instead, I'll let some of it out here because it's safe and I know if it's too unpleasant for someone, they can just stop reading and find something happy to distract themselves with. Everybody wins.

*sighs and takes a drink of her coffee as her stomach continues to twist into painful knots*

I hate how much this is affecting me. My back is all jacked up, my stomach is on the fritz and I keep getting these odd chest pains right over my heart. I just want to scream so badly...but I end up gritting my teeth and putting my back to my Dad, trying to calm myself down...and the chest pains start back up. Not to mention how much I'm shaking because I'm so fucking tired. Hell, he even called to wake me up AGAIN this morning because I needed to be up... Him stating, "You said you were going to get up at 8:30!" and me practically snarling back, "That changed when you woke me up right after I finally fell asleep because you freaked out over nothing!" He had woken me up at a quarter to 2am literally over nothing...and I couldn't calm down until 3am. Even then, I didn't finally fall asleep until almost 5am.

It's just the fact that he's been increasingly more demanding, and I can only deal with so much. I can't tune him out because he just doesn't let me. And I have to constantly tell him to calm down when he gets all worked up (again, over nothing) that he's gunna do this or that (Meaning I have to do it because he can't and expects me to do it) or he's gunna call this person or that person (when honestly there's no reason to) and I have to stop him from doing it.

I just want to have a good day...I want to be calm and rested and not constantly panicking, or freaking out, or so angry that I want to break my fist by slamming it against the wall. Nothing I say is getting through to him. I have tried EVERYTHING but it's literally like talking to someone who is pissed off and has dementia. It just doesn't register. It almost appears like he's a child having a tantrum, he seems very self centered... But it's just not that simple, which only adds to my growing frustration.

I'm so tired...in every possible way...and I've got until Saturday to clean this place out. He is making it soo much harder than it needs to be.

I don't know how I'll emotionally get through it because I'm getting to that point where I just don't fucking care anymore. But regardless of my mental stability, shit's gunna get done. Even if I'm batshit crazy by the end of it.

Again, for those of you affected by this...I am truly sorry. I'm not trying to dump this on you. This is literally the only place I have left to get this shit out of my system. I'm so overwhelmed...I don't want to do this anymore...

-anon-