Restlessness

Music swells gently behind the computer monitor as my fingers dance gracefully along these black keys. I'm existing on broken sleep and strong coffee; the rich aroma a small comfort as my body aches from inadequate rest.

Though Dad's showing some improvement, every day is a series of small battles and I've found that I no longer react out of exhaustion induced frustration, I simply remain calm...an empty state of being to help contain the last of my sanity as the internal wounds of my heart continue to bleed out.

I try not to think about the fact that my home is gone. Yes, it may have been four walls, but those walls held the energy of my childhood; containing the moments I cherished the most. It was the last part of my past to be taken away from me. I never thought that it would be gone like this. Both my big brother and myself figured Dad would always be there; that was home. We never thought Dad would get sick like this. But that's life for you; it happens when you're planning something else.

There's a deep ache resonating somewhere within my depths that I can't quite pin point no matter how hard I try to seek it out. The closer I get, the quicker it fades and emerges somewhere else; pulling me further down the rabbit hole.

*lets out a soft sigh and takes a hefty drink from her Nightmare Before Christmas Thermos*

It's strange, this place I'm drifting in emotionally. I suppose it's just another form of depression, when things have become too much and you can do nothing more than adjust and become still. Internally, I'm screaming... So much Rage, resentment and frustration from everything I've been faced with. A severe form of tunnel vision...and it narrows to a pinpoint, directly at my Father. I want him to get better more than anything, but not at the cost of my own sanity. 

There's so much I could write...but where the hell do I start? And how would it help anything? Yes, it is my personal escape and allows me to release some of the poison swelling in my veins, but I don't know if I can get everything out properly. 

*lets out another sigh and growls softly at herself*

The severity of my Father's condition means I have to be even More on Watch; literally 24/7. I don't sleep through the night because not only does he wake me via baby monitor or cell phone, but I've unconsciously trained myself to wake at the slightest indication that he needs me. I am constantly on alert, which may explain my growing exhaustion even when I do get a few hours of rest. Even now as I type these words, the anxiousness trickles and thrums along my spine, keeping me painfully alert that at a moment's notice, I have to be on my feet and head over to my Dad's room.

And since we've moved into a much larger home, I have to really be on alert. Though he's much stronger than before, he's still so very frail and I cannot allow him to hurt himself. Even though his bedroom is right next to our bathroom at the other side of the house, I have to be there just to make sure he gets from his room to the bathroom and back again. It's not that we don't trust him to be able to do so on his own, he still has moments of confusion and will lose his balance. So I'm just there as more of a sentinel than anything else... Which can range between midnight and 3am when I'm trying to sleep.

Also, due to the moments of confusion...he tends to get mean and I mean Real Mean. I don't even fight him anymore, there's no point. He gets angry and takes it out on me and I have to simply take it, even though on the inside I'm falling apart. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I love him very much, but I'm trapped doing everything he wants whenever he wants. And don't get me started on when I ask him to do something (because it's via Nurse or the Doc's request) and he gets all kinds of irrate. This is daily. And I rarely have a moment to just drive down to the Gas Station (which is less than two minutes away) for whatever reason, because I have to keep an eye on him.

Everyone has a job in this house, and mine is to simply take care of Dad. Which wouldn't be all that bad if he was of Sound Mind. He isn't and it's starting to really weigh down on me. I've mentioned getting him a caregiver just from Friday through Sunday so I can atleast have my weekends. It's a fantastic idea, but I've gotta figure out how that's going to happen and if we're going to have to pay for it and if so, how much that's gunna cost us. 

*rubs her eyes and lets out a growl between clenched teeth when a sound gets her attention over the com and she has to race to her father's room.--Returns looking a bit more worn out than before*

It's days like this that make me wish I had more money so I could have a nurse with him at all times; even when he's sleeping. Some days he's very coherent, very much like his old self. Than there are days like this where he wakes me up every hour through the night because of his confusion and in the morning he's so discombobulated (because his body is trying to rest but something in his brain isn't firing off right and wakes him up) and he ends up very confused in the morning before eventually falling asleep for a few hours.

It's a little scary sometimes because (he's done this in the past and not so much recently) he'd start wandering around if his body is strong enough and he won't tell me. When I gently request that he just announce he's getting up next time, it's a war and I get verbally attacked for it. It's less than before (which is seriously a good thing) but it's very stressful. Just now when I ran off... Dad had rolled over to the point that he almost fell off the bed. He didn't thank the gawds, but his legs were dangling off and I managed to pick him up and sit him up safely. He's alright, but due to the confusion, when he's half asleep, he's literally Half Asleep and I have to gently get him to lay back down so he can rest. I don't want to keep him in bed, I want him up and around. But when he's in this state, he needs to get another hour or so of rest and he'll be more himself when he wakes up. So hopefully in about an hour he'll be all peppy and I can get him into the living room for some breakfast and coffee and maybe get him to watch something with me and the monsters.

*takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly* It's been rough, but what's new? There's still so much coiled up inside of me but I'm going to save that for another time. Just a little at a time or I'm afraid the levee will break and I'll flood this blog with chaos. Last thing I want to do is make everyone drown in my personal crazy :P

And on that note, I shall bid thee anon and go have s'more coffee and a smoke before Dad calls from me again.

-Adieu