Shapeshifter, Supernatural and Severe Vent on Stupidity

As I sit and drink my morning cup of joe, Tool's haunting melodies streaming through my speakers as 'Stinkfist' trickles through the air and transitions over to Soundgarden's 'Spoonman', I find myself feeling a bit lighter...a bit more like the young woman I started out to be so many years ago now it seems.

I needed a change...desperate to find some kind of footing along the cracked walls of an abyss I was not ready to be swallowed by. I clawed and growled, somehow managing to find just enough strength to begin pulling myself back from a place that wanted to devour me. A living darkness I've known all my life, a secret demon that has taken a piece of me at a time... I think it's had enough.

-Smiles as Godsmack's 'Forgive Me' starts thundering through the speakers-

Torn between despair and absolute hatred, I had to find that small fragment of light left inside of me before I gave in to that blackness.

I took a pair of scissors, found a comb and just started cutting. I created bangs/fringe and began layering the rest of my unruly hair. I didn't take off much, but the hair in the trash looks as though it might start chittering and scampering around the room for food -chuckles-

Afterwards I did my old signature 'Nancy' smoky eyes (The Craft) and actually put on some lipstick (which most of you know I try to avoid pretty much whenever I can). But what really did it, was the way I felt when I saw myself through a picture on my phone. I see such a difference and it has nothing to do with the new look. There's something new in my eyes...a glow of something familiar hiding just behind my gaze. There's an intensity there looking back at me, as if something finally surfaced...

...and it feels Good.

So I figured I'd edit it just slightly and post it onto the FaceDesk so everyone could see.

I was not expecting the response I received when I checked later on.

Seriously, I am incredibly humbled and touched by all the warmth I read in the comments. As I read them, I was turning a very lovely shade of red that matches my hair -chuckles-

Yes, I definitely needed a change. Instead of chopping all of my hair off and dying it blue-black, I opted for slight alteration, that way it's not such a harsh transition.

And enough of that topic...lol

-chuckles and takes a drink of her coffee-

Something recently has caught my attention, namely in the Supernatural Fandom. It was on Instagram that I noticed a Rant by a Teenage Fangirl of the show, going off about Jensen being Homophobic. This literally made me Stop and just Blink. From what I gathered through her rant, is that Jensen blatantly dismissed a fan for saying that she was Bisexual before she got a chance to ask her question. That because of his dismissal, she was found later on in the convention, crying.

So I did me some research.

I found out, that 18yearold fangirl so-and-so, had the first question, and it was going to be one about what some of the crazier (YOUNG) fans call 'Destial' (Dean/Castiel) and just so you know, whenever it's brought up at Cons, it's just as bad as Wincest (Sam/Dean...ya, don't ask) and you can HEAR most of the Fans/Audience groan in annoyance. It pisses most of us off, honestly. To each their own, but there's a time and place for that kind of topic, and Misha has no problem talking about it with the fans, but most of us know that it bothers Jensen and Jared (more so Jensen because he's more reserved and shy about those kind of questions, and they make him uncomfortable because they've been brought up So Damned much). 

The rant honestly made it seem like Jensen was acting like a total dick. So I found the video.

I'll leave it up to you to decide whether or not he was a 'Complete Asshole' for his response. 

Personally, he reacted the way I have in the past when I've been annoyed about being asked about something I didn't feel like talking about. He wasn't being completely disrespectful, but given the situation... You can hear the audience's shared annoyance, and poor Jared tried to soften the awkwardness of it. You can also notice that Jensen didn't mean to come off the way he had. He didn't want to snap at the poor girl and decided to just skip it altogether. That entire moment was just...shit no-matter which way you go about it. But you can also tell that by their body language, they were already tense to begin with. Not like what I experienced at VegasCon earlier this year. The energy was Waaay different.

Bad timing all around.

Now here's a little rant for ya about the Younger viewers of Supernatural.

Some of the Instagram fan accounts for the show, flipped their shit after seeing Season 9's finale. I won't give anything away (it was damned epic episode) but it was pretty intense. I literally stopped breathing at one point (and thank the gods for fast-forward or I would've passed out) and my jaw was agape... It was very reminiscent of Kripke's old whammies.

I can get the overwhelming emotions it stirred up in the fans, especially pre-pubic, hormonally-dysfunctional teenagers that over-use the phrazes, "Too Much Feels!" "YOLO" "Mom Doesn't Understand Me!" and so on... -gives a smug grin- I'm asshole, I know ;)
A day or so passes, and most of us have had time to ingest what it was that we saw and are now  functioning at our normal capacities. Or so I thought. I go onto Instagram...and fangirl/teenager (the same one who ranted about Jensen) is just going off about how she's sooo depressed and she can't get through her day because she just can't handle what happened. 

I twitched. But I let it go.

Two days later, she's STILL going on and on about how she's been so depressed, she hasn't been able to sleep and she doesn't know how she'll keep going because this is the worst thing in her entire life... 

I literally had to physically Stop myself from letting myself type out what was roaring through my mind.

Mind you, my Father has just slipped away barely a week when I'm reading this... It was bad enough that while I watched the episode, all I could think of is how badly I wanted to talk to Dad about it, that he was missing this... It was Our show. Something that we watched together, even if I wasn't at home at the time. That was Special to us. It's still special to me. So watching it alone... 

-pauses as her chest tightens painfully, her spine aches and tears threaten to spill from her tired eyes-

I was soo tempted to put that 'Child' in her place. 

I was so ready to give her a Real Reason for feeling like shit. I could have told her to shut her fucking mouth and stop being a goddamned child. It's a Fucking Show. Life doesn't stop because you're having a god damned pitty party. Awe, poor baby can't handle FICTIONAL Characters going through traumatic events. You know what's worth being upset about? Losing your childhood home and everything you've ever known to try to save your Father's life, getting an hour maybe less of sleep over the period of several days because you're trying to take care of him as he's getting worse, weaker and is showing signs of dementia. Having to bite your tongue when he cusses you out, growls at you and balls his fist like he's going to hit you because he doesn't want to listen. You choke on your chest pains because you know he's sick and can't help it. You can feel his body starting to shut down and that god damned shadow is getting closer no matter how much you've tried to make it go away. To finally get him medical help and have him Mentally and Emotionally come back to you... To be able to sit and Watch reruns of Supernatural again... To think maybe he's actually going to get better... To get a phone call on Mother's Day that he's not responsive and could go at any time... To have him Wake Up miraculously the next day...and the next day he seems even more there.

To kissing his forehead, touching his hand as he was falling back asleep due to the morphine and saying, "Laku Noc" (Said; Lock-oh-no-tch. Which means Goodnight in Croatian) and hearing him say it back as he closed his eyes... Only to find out the next day that he Died five minutes before I called.

Ya, I could've torn into her and caused her to need years of psychotherapy... But I didn't. Instead I let the tears stream down my face in silence and put my phone down.

Kudos to me for having restraint.

-shakes her head and wipes the offensive emotions from her eyes-

...on that happy note... I need a cigarette.

-Anon-

Updates and Personal Experience

Thoughts, emotions...swirling and twisting without rhyme or reason. I want to get away from them, struggling to find my strength when I'm carried off on a riptide of internal chaos, forcing me to wade hopelessly through memories that seem to be pulling me down into a world from which there is no escape.

I'm so very lost.

I try to make sense of the things dancing through me. The moments of being so incredibly numb with feeling. Within the blink of an eye, as though a switch has been blown and the tears sweep down my face in a tsunami of anguish. I choke and growl, wanting so desperately to find my way back through the fog of pain surging through me. I just want to be normal...

*sighs and takes a hefty drink of her coffee from her Nightmare Before Christmas Thermos*

My life has been gutted open, crimson streams of yesterdays bleeding into the earth as the heart fights to find some kind of peace again.

This won't stop any time soon. It'll fester and weep, the brutal truth of living in a world of such a short existence. It can all be gone within an instant. As Dad would say, "Life happens when you're planning something else."

Can't be still. There's nowhere to go but forward, even if I feel as though my feet have been chained to cinder blocks. So very heavy as I drag what's left of myself down that broken path. Yet another crossroad...but this time there is only one way to go. 

*  *  *  *  *

*scoffs and shakes her head* Gotta love chaotic poeticism when half-asleep.

Change of subject, shall we?

There has been something I've been thinking about lately, a distraction from the agony of my emotional state.

Due to a series of unfortunate events in my life, I was unaware of the shooting that took place recently (gotta love FaceDesk for information streaming like backyard gossip in an old village) and then all the stories that followed. Articles that took hold of my attention and brought old fears and memories to the surface. Topics on Misogyny and Rape Culture. Then the Hashtag of YesAllWomen. This was all a little overwhelming at first (seeing as my mind has been elsewhere) and I let it all sink in. Then I start reading posts; from female friends who decided to share their stories/life experiences.

As I read, I found myself becoming more and more motivated to write down my own experiences.

As a female, you're taught Very Young to be aware of your surroundings and of strangers. Especially Male Strangers. My Father taught me to say no and if that didn't work and I was grabbed, to Bite down as hard as I could, to kick, to scratch and to scream as loudly as possible as I booked it in the other direction. I was fortunate enough to never have to do any of this.

I also noticed that when I was 10, I was heftier than other children my age...but I was also stronger. I also noticed the bullies were actually afraid of me... So I took advantage of my weight as a warning; touch me and I'll sit on you. In kidspeak that was pretty scary *chuckles*

As I started to mature, I was just grasping the concept of being comfortable in my own skin. I was never much for girly attire; skirts, dresses, low cut tops, heels. I was a Jeans, long sleeved shirt, boots, trenchcoat kinda girl. The more covered, the better. I had always been like that. So the one time I decided to step out of my comfort zone at 16 years old... I remember all the compliments I got from a few peers who had seen me out and about. I was wearing a long wrap around skirt over a pair of panty hose, a form fitting tank top, heels, and make up that didn't consist of racoon eyes lol. I was soft and pretty...which at first I was starting to enjoy.

Unfortunately, the first time I try to be more feminine... I learned that saying 'No' to a guy who's much larger and stronger than you... No matter how many times you've explained that you're a Virgin and not ready, that you've had too much to drink and you don't feel comfortable... I said No in so many different ways, Verbally, and Physically...

Psychologically I told myself that I was a victim for the way I'd dressed. I had invited it. I had gotten drunk and was stupid enough to think my wishes would be respected. Even though I'd said No. It was My Fault. 

People wondered why I'd always been so dark, why I had mostly male friends and never dressed up all that much...

*smirks and takes a drink of her coffee*

One thing I always found fascinating, was as I grew more comfortable with myself, many male friends told me I was intimidating and I didn't know why. I was grateful for it, because that kept predators away.

Even though I'm 30 years old, I still hold my head up high, shoulders back and eyes forward whenever I'm out and by myself. I can feel eyes on me but I'm one of those people who will turn and make eye contact. Like clockwork, 9 times out of 10, the person tends to blanch and takes a step back. If you're ballsy enough to stare at me, be prepared to get glared at. I know there's something in my eyes that makes people uncomfortable. It's a challenge. I don't trust people and it's my way of gauging just how confident they think they are. I've got no problem standing my ground. 

I've been fortunate enough that most men won't approach me. Even when I've made eye contact and smile, they smile back but seem nervous. I've heard more than a few men stammer when I've actually smiled and said hello.

There's definitely allot more I can write about... That statistically, females are 'taken advantage of' by men they know. I can vouch for this. But again, I was young... Barely 19 yet and the person I was with had manipulated me into thinking I was worthless because I wasn't a Virgin. That I had nothing to 'Give Him'...

Don't worry, the Universe has a way of working things out. And he got back ten fold of what he did to me.

My heart hurts when I read stories of beautiful friends who've been chased down, followed in parking lots, stalked in restaurants and that to them, there was no such thing as 'No', 'Not Interested', 'I have a Boyfriend' etc. 

I can relate to a degree. But like I've said, I learned early on that I can use my Weight and Strength as an advantage even if my opponent can easily overpower me. I'm about 5 feet and 6 and a half inches tall and teeter between 156-174 but I'm in better shape than I've ever been. I have a fairly dense frame, a strong back, a barrel chest, and I have a big ass and thick thighs for a reason. I'm also graceful and agile...and tend to Hulk out if I get very angry. Let me put it this way... I could push my 2 ton Ellie easily and that was Before I got back into shape. Imagine what I could do now and if I lost my temper.

*smirks*

I just give off this vibe of, "I'm not in the mood so do me a favor and back off. I'm not afraid of you and I will defend myself." Having that playing in my head and feeling confident in my own skin when I'm out, tends to weed out would-be attackers. Sure I get the occasional crazy person, but they're harmless. It's all how you respond. I'm generally very sweet and agree with whatever insane statement they're making. I can sense they're not workin' with a full deck and their words just aren't working right. It also helps that I'm a reader and can actually say what they're trying to say. They don't bother me.

But I digress... I need me some more coffee, another smoke, and I really need to buy my boys more litter because geezuss someone's fuzzy ass exploded *laughs*

I'll make a point to write more on this subject later ;)

-Anon