Unhappy Munkee

I’m disgusted with myself. I woke up in a relatively good mood considering I haven’t in quite awhile. I was even compelled to start writing…then my Father woke up. The first thing he does is start grating on me about going to the store, he doesn’t ask me how I slept, he doesn’t ask me how I’m doing, he immediately wants me to do things for him. I held my tongue because my temper started to flare up. Told myself to stay calm and just relax. But then all I mentioned is that I need to get milk, that I will go to the store, I just want to finish my coffee and wake up first and he stopped and clipped under his breath, “Guess I’m not eating then.”

*sighs*

It’s one thing if Dad’s under the weather, it’s another for him to pick at me every chance he gets. It’s not, Good morning, how are you? It’s- Do this, do that. I just told him, not more then a few seconds ago, that he doesn’t talk to me like a human being anymore and talks to me like a fucking PA. That’s why I don’t want to be here. I know he’s stuck on thinking about getting things done, hence why he talks about it right away, but it makes me feel like I’m nothing more than a gorramed tool and not his daughter.

I had to tell him, and he apologized and didn’t realize he was doing that. I hope he works on it or I am going to fucking snap. This is something I couldn’t really explain to people about why this has been so emotionally trying for me. Yes, his health is what drives me to find a way to help him (I love my Father very much), but the constant barrage of verbal demands makes me want to drive my car into a fucking wall.

I didn’t mind so much before when he’d ask me to do something, because he asked and he treated me like an actual person. And right this second, he has literally been non-stop talking at me. He won’t give me a fucking break and I have no space to myself. He’ll talk and I can answer, even though I’m Busy trying to write (which is why I just don’t anymore) but then he stops me and asks me once again, to get him something because he just thought of it. Even though I just told him I will go to the store, I just need a little time to myself so I can fully wake up and maybe write a blog in the process. He heard me, but apparently that doesn’t matter. All I asked was for a few minutes and I’ll go do what he asked, it’s not a big deal. But he doesn’t really hear me, too caught up in his own head and will talk at me whenever he feels like it.

Well… Okay, that’s not fair, he’s become a bit more forgetful (due to the liver damage, it can’t process toxins properly so it effects memory and balance) but the thing is, he’s always been like this. For YEARS. Especially when he drank. Now it’s more persistent due to said cirrhosis, he’s just not Mean like he was.

So I’m losing my mind, and I’m trying to be normal and happy. I’m trying to buckle myself down even though every part of me wants to run, screaming off a fucking cliff. Maybe I’m just weak. Maybe I’ve never been strong and I’m just drifting because I don’t have the sack to do things by myself.

*growls at herself*

Apologies… I’m a little irate right now and my PMDD from Hell is hitting me sumthin’ fierce.

It really is frustrating… Because I actually and truthfully, love spending time with my Dad. He’s just grating my fleeting sanity more then he ever has before. Logically I understand the reason behind it, but emotionally it’s knocking me down.

Gawd I’m a fucking whiner. I really don’t like myself right now. I don’t enjoy these emotions. They’re useless at this point. It would honestly make life so much easier if I wasn’t so fucking sensitive. Why isn’t there an off switch? Why am I wired like this? It’s annoying and hinders my judgment. I just don’t want to feel anymore. At least, not this intensely. If I didn’t feel anything, I’d have taken off years ago. That’s just not who I am.

*lets out a growling sigh and takes a long drink of her coffee*

I’m running out of patience and that’s not like me. But I guess that’s just how it is right now. This is gunna suck until we can get him his own doc. So I’m going to be crazy for awhile. Well, crazier than normal if that’s even possible… *smirks*

Gotta get my shit squared away and stop bitching. I am attempting to vent, to release some of the crazy from my brain-pan so I don’t end up hospitalized for attacking random people at the park acting like a giant territorial goose.

Amusing image, no?

I need a change, even if it’s something small… I think that’ll help. What exactly? Not all that sure. Maybe dye my hair random colors, get a tattoo or new piercing. Something like that. Just a small change to help my brain-meats from imploding.

Definitely need to see Big Bad in the theatres, that’ll Definitely help. I needs me some Riddick goodness. *chuckles*

I do apologize for how all over the place I’ve been and continue to be. I really am forcing myself to adapt, it’s surprisingly harder than I’d like it to be, but it’s never easy is it?

On that note, I’m chug the rest of my coffee, shower and go to the store my dad. Afterward… No clue. But who knows, maybe just getting out of the house will do me some good.

-A few minutes later after speaking to her mother-

Wow... That was just...lovely. I love my Mother and really miss the hell out of her, but man...she get's wired she just talks over me every time I try to speak. I wanted to tell her what happened, how everything is because she asked me, but as soon as I went to respond, she started talking about something else.

*sighs softly; defeated*

I'm done. I love my parental units, I'm grateful to have them in my life. I think I'm just tired of not being heard. When I really want to speak, my words get trampled as their voices wash over me. That's fine. It is. Gotta just take it. I'm just another shadow on the wall. And that's okay, I guess. 

-Anon-