Venting Thoughts

There are whispers within these walls... Confused and tattered; bloodied things with no purpose. Hollowed and broken from years of pain and neglect. I've tried so very hard to stay stable. To not become something I've never known before. I don't know what's happening to me. Anger, courses through me like a tyrant hellbent on destroying the heavens and all that lie beneath.

I'm at war with myself. I don't recognize the person in the mirror. The lines are too harsh, the eyes are too piercing; scrutinizing everything for a weakness. 

Damaged. That term is so very accurate in describing my spirit. I can't put myself together the same as before. Too much of myself has been lost or washed away from the waves of chaos that's drowning my existence.

Do I really have to become a monster in order to save what's left of me?

I don't like these thoughts, I especially don't like the way I'm feeling. It's either a terrible stillness or overwhelming rage. I can't pin it down, fight it back or make peace with it. It simply, Is and there really isn't anything I can do to make it go away. Because you can't kill what keeps you alive. I'm barely functioning as it is and this seems to be the thing that's helping me continue forward. I suppose it's normal? Is it? I really don't anymore.

Too many thoughts and not enough words to speak them. 

As gifted as I may seem with poetry and prose, I'm terrible at expressing what's really going on in my head and how I'm feeling. I'm wired differently. Sometimes, the only way I can truly get my feelings understood, is in person and not the way you'd think. More often than not, it's written all over me. My face, my body language. My voice. My eyes especially... They scream out when I have no voice left to call for help.

Singing especially gets the emotions felt. And yea... I've got some talent for hitting all the right notes. It's sad really... I used to sing so much, it helped...god did it help. But over the years, being forced into silence due to not having any privacy or place I could sing without being heard... I stopped and began to hate my own ability.

I miss singing. I miss being able to push the poison out through song. It was so freeing. As was being on stage. Being able to vent repressed emotions through a completely different person (the character I was portraying) it was incredibly therapeutic. But I've lost that too... Or misplaced it.

Shit, I feel misplaced. Left to my own devices I've been on a downward spiral. I'm trying so hard to be positive and believe in a better day...it's just, so fucking hard. 

I'm being honest here, because I know it helps and I have incredibly wonderful souls that I am beyond blessed to call friend. I know you're all worried about me, or at least curious as to my highs and lows and dare I say, 'emo behavior' as of late. -chuckles at herself-...gods kill me I just referred to myself 'emo'... Sweet Thor please strike me down -shakes her head in utter shame-

I'm a mess. Mentally, emotionally...physically. The hardest lesson in all of this...what makes it soo much harder, is that when things were rough, I could always talk to Dad. He knew me better than anyone. He knew when I didn't have a voice to speak what was going on inside of me, he knew how to speak for me, to give the right words to say, to give my thoughts a voice. He understood me to where I didn't have to talk in circles because of my horrific fucking anxiety. He knew me... And I didn't feel so alone. I didn't feel crazy because someone understood when I couldn't speak. Because he could feel it and I didn't have to say it...

-completely loses it-

This hurts so much... I fucking hate these tears; spilling useless buckets of salt over that which I cannot change. I miss him so much... Dammit I hate this.

It so much harder without him...without his guidance, without his warmth. It's so fucking cold now...it almost feels like life has no meaning anymore. 

This pain is worse than I can convey. It's every day. Every moment. I try...god dammit I try so hard to buck up and soldier through everything... But he was the one stable thing in my entire life... And I feel fucking shattered because he's gone and I'm left with these fucking internal wounds.  

I'm so deeply scarred now... 

Wishing he was still here. Wishing I didn't feel uneven and hollow. Wishing I didn't feel at all.

-stops to calm down and violently wipes at her face-

It's worse because in times like these, when my thoughts were so scattered and skewed and I couldn't make heads or tails of a situation... He was the calm voice that brought me back from the brink. And that's gone now. So I'm not handling myself very well... And I am sorry to anyone and everyone who may be affected by it. It's not on purpose...

I just don't know who I am anymore...

...I feel like I'm becoming a monster...

-Onyx-