I needed a change...desperate to find some kind of footing along the cracked walls of an abyss I was not ready to be swallowed by. I clawed and growled, somehow managing to find just enough strength to begin pulling myself back from a place that wanted to devour me. A living darkness I've known all my life, a secret demon that has taken a piece of me at a time... I think it's had enough.
-Smiles as Godsmack's 'Forgive Me' starts thundering through the speakers-
Torn between despair and absolute hatred, I had to find that small fragment of light left inside of me before I gave in to that blackness.
I took a pair of scissors, found a comb and just started cutting. I created bangs/fringe and began layering the rest of my unruly hair. I didn't take off much, but the hair in the trash looks as though it might start chittering and scampering around the room for food -chuckles-
Afterwards I did my old signature 'Nancy' smoky eyes (The Craft) and actually put on some lipstick (which most of you know I try to avoid pretty much whenever I can). But what really did it, was the way I felt when I saw myself through a picture on my phone. I see such a difference and it has nothing to do with the new look. There's something new in my eyes...a glow of something familiar hiding just behind my gaze. There's an intensity there looking back at me, as if something finally surfaced...
...and it feels Good.
So I figured I'd edit it just slightly and post it onto the FaceDesk so everyone could see.
I was not expecting the response I received when I checked later on.
Seriously, I am incredibly humbled and touched by all the warmth I read in the comments. As I read them, I was turning a very lovely shade of red that matches my hair -chuckles-
Yes, I definitely needed a change. Instead of chopping all of my hair off and dying it blue-black, I opted for slight alteration, that way it's not such a harsh transition.
And enough of that topic...lol
-chuckles and takes a drink of her coffee-
Something recently has caught my attention, namely in the Supernatural Fandom. It was on Instagram that I noticed a Rant by a Teenage Fangirl of the show, going off about Jensen being Homophobic. This literally made me Stop and just Blink. From what I gathered through her rant, is that Jensen blatantly dismissed a fan for saying that she was Bisexual before she got a chance to ask her question. That because of his dismissal, she was found later on in the convention, crying.
So I did me some research.
I found out, that 18yearold fangirl so-and-so, had the first question, and it was going to be one about what some of the crazier (YOUNG) fans call 'Destial' (Dean/Castiel) and just so you know, whenever it's brought up at Cons, it's just as bad as Wincest (Sam/Dean...ya, don't ask) and you can HEAR most of the Fans/Audience groan in annoyance. It pisses most of us off, honestly. To each their own, but there's a time and place for that kind of topic, and Misha has no problem talking about it with the fans, but most of us know that it bothers Jensen and Jared (more so Jensen because he's more reserved and shy about those kind of questions, and they make him uncomfortable because they've been brought up So Damned much).
The rant honestly made it seem like Jensen was acting like a total dick. So I found the video.
I'll leave it up to you to decide whether or not he was a 'Complete Asshole' for his response.
Personally, he reacted the way I have in the past when I've been annoyed about being asked about something I didn't feel like talking about. He wasn't being completely disrespectful, but given the situation... You can hear the audience's shared annoyance, and poor Jared tried to soften the awkwardness of it. You can also notice that Jensen didn't mean to come off the way he had. He didn't want to snap at the poor girl and decided to just skip it altogether. That entire moment was just...shit no-matter which way you go about it. But you can also tell that by their body language, they were already tense to begin with. Not like what I experienced at VegasCon earlier this year. The energy was Waaay different.
Bad timing all around.
Now here's a little rant for ya about the Younger viewers of Supernatural.
Some of the Instagram fan accounts for the show, flipped their shit after seeing Season 9's finale. I won't give anything away (it was damned epic episode) but it was pretty intense. I literally stopped breathing at one point (and thank the gods for fast-forward or I would've passed out) and my jaw was agape... It was very reminiscent of Kripke's old whammies.
I can get the overwhelming emotions it stirred up in the fans, especially pre-pubic, hormonally-dysfunctional teenagers that over-use the phrazes, "Too Much Feels!" "YOLO" "Mom Doesn't Understand Me!" and so on... -gives a smug grin- I'm asshole, I know ;)
A day or so passes, and most of us have had time to ingest what it was that we saw and are now functioning at our normal capacities. Or so I thought. I go onto Instagram...and fangirl/teenager (the same one who ranted about Jensen) is just going off about how she's sooo depressed and she can't get through her day because she just can't handle what happened.
I twitched. But I let it go.
Two days later, she's STILL going on and on about how she's been so depressed, she hasn't been able to sleep and she doesn't know how she'll keep going because this is the worst thing in her entire life...
I literally had to physically Stop myself from letting myself type out what was roaring through my mind.
Mind you, my Father has just slipped away barely a week when I'm reading this... It was bad enough that while I watched the episode, all I could think of is how badly I wanted to talk to Dad about it, that he was missing this... It was Our show. Something that we watched together, even if I wasn't at home at the time. That was Special to us. It's still special to me. So watching it alone...
-pauses as her chest tightens painfully, her spine aches and tears threaten to spill from her tired eyes-
I was soo tempted to put that 'Child' in her place.
I was so ready to give her a Real Reason for feeling like shit. I could have told her to shut her fucking mouth and stop being a goddamned child. It's a Fucking Show. Life doesn't stop because you're having a god damned pitty party. Awe, poor baby can't handle FICTIONAL Characters going through traumatic events. You know what's worth being upset about? Losing your childhood home and everything you've ever known to try to save your Father's life, getting an hour maybe less of sleep over the period of several days because you're trying to take care of him as he's getting worse, weaker and is showing signs of dementia. Having to bite your tongue when he cusses you out, growls at you and balls his fist like he's going to hit you because he doesn't want to listen. You choke on your chest pains because you know he's sick and can't help it. You can feel his body starting to shut down and that god damned shadow is getting closer no matter how much you've tried to make it go away. To finally get him medical help and have him Mentally and Emotionally come back to you... To be able to sit and Watch reruns of Supernatural again... To think maybe he's actually going to get better... To get a phone call on Mother's Day that he's not responsive and could go at any time... To have him Wake Up miraculously the next day...and the next day he seems even more there.
To kissing his forehead, touching his hand as he was falling back asleep due to the morphine and saying, "Laku Noc" (Said; Lock-oh-no-tch. Which means Goodnight in Croatian) and hearing him say it back as he closed his eyes... Only to find out the next day that he Died five minutes before I called.
Ya, I could've torn into her and caused her to need years of psychotherapy... But I didn't. Instead I let the tears stream down my face in silence and put my phone down.
Kudos to me for having restraint.
-shakes her head and wipes the offensive emotions from her eyes-
...on that happy note... I need a cigarette.
-Anon-
No comments:
Post a Comment