Ghostly Echoes Dance in Her Eyes

Heat slithers along the flesh causing a wave of faerie like pearls of moisture to appear along a living landscape; the body's attempt at cooling a sleeping form as the mind remains in dreamscape. Yet within that pleasant inner world, not all is what it seems. Words, unexpected and spoken with no regard to the damage they could cause, forces all conversation to come to an abrupt stop. The pause seems to stretch out into eternity as I just stood there, feeling the aftermath of what those words provoked and feel a sting threaten the lash line.

I was standing between two faceless friends, speaking about something so mundane that it's almost hard to remember. The person to my right had asked about a salary of some kind and I had simply stated something along the lines of, "I believe it was eight dollars an hour." when just after a breath, the person to my left spoke. Her tone was as cool and unfeeling as a robot speaking about the uselessness of human emotion.

"It was seven an hour." she corrected firmly, "You know, you keep doing that. Since you never know what you're talking about, you should just stop talking and keep your mouth shut."

The person to my right just blinked shock from her eyes at what she'd just heard, saw the look fall over my face and was about to go off when I was pulled roughly from the dream, sat straight up in bed and choked on the sobs that had crawled up from the back of my throat as tears began streaming down my face.

Rattled, I checked the time, a little after 8am, wiped the offensive moisture from my eyes and decided I needed to get dressed and walk to the store. A quarter to 9 o'clock I was out the door and walking. Despite how tight and sore every muscle is from my hips down due to running amok this past weekend bare foot in the sand and the lovely sunburn I've acquired (absolutely worth it), I needed to get a few things. I didn't care that the temperature outside was already at 95 degrees Fahrenheit (with humidity) and climbing. I was so emotionally thrown by waking up in tears that I skipped coffee altogether. Many of you who know me well enough, know that something has to be wrong if I consciously choose not to have coffee the first thing when I wake up.

The walk was pleasant enough despite the torrid rays of the sun searing my already cooked flesh. The soreness throughout my tired form actually appreciated the short trek to and back from the corner mart, allowing everything to stretch and loosen enough so that my movement has become more fluid and not as jerky due to how much my legs have swollen from rapid muscle growth.

It allowed me to clear the fading echoes of those painful words from my mind, but the feelings struggled to find purchase, leaving an uncomfortable lump of anxiety in the back of my throat. Even now as I listen to Pandora, familiar music haunting my senses and soothing the inner beast...there's a ghostly tightening in my chest. Slowly but surely it'll pass, especially now that I'm on my second cup of coffee; an old comfort that's never failed me when I was at my lowest.

And on that note, I'm going to go entertain myself for a bit and possibly write something more interesting when I get back, especially since I was at Belmont Shore's Pirate Invasion this past weekend ;)

-pauses when Led Zeppelin's, "When The Levee Breaks" starts playing and grows a genuine smile-

See you later, muh lovelies.

-Adieu

Leviathan of Emotion

The rumble of engines whispers through my thoughts as cars drive along the hot pavement; waves of heat lifting into the air as the temperature reads 91 degrees Fahrenheit. It's reasonably comfortable here on the shaded porch, allowing me to seek sanctuary outdoors. Common folk would find me rather odd to sit in such high temperatures when there is a working air conditioner just within the apartment. Though tempting, I find it more comforting to be outside. And as I type this on the small screen of my phone, a cool breeze has begun to dance around me. Yet another comfort to keep me exactly where I am.

It's strange to think that I had a numbness residing just inside my thoughts this past week and wasn't entirely sure why. I was aware that it possibly had to do with Father's Day because every time I actively thought of it, my mind abruptly switched to something else. As though it were simply protecting me from the onslaught of emotions that would barrel through me when the day finally arrived. In fact, this morning I was perfectly content. I even decided to change my profile picture on Facebook due to entertaining myself last night with makeup and a camera. I thought I was okay. Up until I made the conscious decision to post a picture of my 7th birthday...

That's when the gates cracked and emotion began to stream silently down my face. It was painfully apparent I needed to withdraw from social media and try to regain my bearings. The more I fought it, the larger the cracks became and the next thing I know, while I was making my third and last cup of coffee, I froze. Everything inside went terribly still, much like the quiet before the storm. Before I could reach for the spoon to mix my coffee, I was suddenly holding onto the counter for dear life as horrific sobs tore through me. I was overtaken by grief, cowering under the weight of my tears as I struggled to breathe. Even when I thought I had found my way back, defiantly wiping at my face as I finished making my coffee to my liking... I rinsed the spoon and went to set it down when the deafening sound of blood rushing through my veins pulsed within my eardrums and not only did I clench my jaws to stop myself from wailing as the tears spilled from my eyes, every ounce of strength was suddenly drained from my body and I collapsed in a trembling heap against the kitchen floor. I had succumb to the pain that was tearing through my heart and mind like an enraged bear dismembering unskilled hunters trespassing in it's cave.

I sobbed and growled under my breath, hating what this was doing to me. Feeling so very small and needing so desperately to find any sense of control. My internal battle of needing to cry and programmed not to. A self taught mechanism to go numb and silent if the feeling ever threatened to show itself. To weep, to allow those salty trails of unabashed emotion to flow is terrifying. Yet when I am alone, that feeling of being cut open and exposed is at the furthest reaches of my mind and that's when it finds me, takes hold of me and rips me apart.

After what felt like an eternity; time having stretched and warped like a Salvador Dali painting, the white noise rushing through my ears subsided and I was able to take a calming breath. It is there in that quiet moment, that I was able to get back on my feet and feel more like myself. The sorrow had began to dissipate, slithering back into the darkness within the catacombs of my mind where it will lie in wait; silent and patient for another opportunity to attack.

For the moment, I am calm. I can still feel it coiled inside my chest, but it appears to have been sated for the time being. 

As I sit out on the porch, the temperature slowly rising, I'm comforted once more by the cool breeze dancing playfully around my body. Whispering reassurances only my soul can hear. 

A small smile pulls at the valley of my full lips but doesn't reach my eyes; swollen and heavy from what I just experienced not that long ago. There are things to be done and water to be consumed. I will try, to the best of my ability, to remain in this calm state I'm now in. I think t'would be best, to catch up on the Alien Isolation gameplay I had meant to finish watching last night but found sleep to be more beneficial.

So on that note, I shall proceed back into the cool, darkness of the apartment and watch Markiplier descend into the awe-inspiring horror of my childhood favorite franchise.

-Adieu

Serpentine Dreamscapes

There’s a stillness within me, a strange energy that lies in wait, hidden behind the dancing shadows of my memory warehouse. I close my eyes, take a deep needed breath and let it out slowly as the haunting melody of a Russian Lullaby, ‘Tili tili bom’ pours through the speakers covering my ears. It’s the kind of song that slithers through the nerve endings and makes the delicate hairs on the back of your neck bristle and stand on end. I love this kind of music…as though I have a small horror movie playing quietly in the back of my vast imagination.

It brings a little warmth to my twisted little heart -gives a small smile and takes a drink of her strong coffee-

Something interesting to add, I had strange dreams the other day. What most would consider a nightmare was simply a normal occurrence for me. 

I can’t remember the entirety of the dream, there were a few familiar faces but the moments with them were too fleeting to focus on. I knew it was pleasant; warmth emanating from their eyes and gentle words. I didn’t feel alone.

The oddness was when I was holding what I knew was a baby king cobra, but she was a soft pink-beige with off-white patterns, bright almost pearlescent white-blue eyes with pink lining her lips. Absolutely adorable. I knew that she wasn’t threatened as she coiled her body around my left wrist and rose her body up to face me. There was a point where another snake, a viper with the same coloring, accidentally caught the skin of my arm and I gently pried it off and placed it on the ground. I remember the curve of its fangs; they were massive. Next segment I was looking at the young Cobra and watched as her mouth unhinged. I closed my eyes and turned my head as she sprayed me. Not only did I have a touch of deadly venom coursing through my arm, I now had it on my neck.

Strange how when I looked down at the crook of my arm, the veins there were a terrible black and blue and I looked infected. There was very little pain and when I looked at the person across from me, he gave me confused eyes and said, “You’re immune.”

I gave a sly grin and replied, “not the first time I’ve had venom in my veins.” and watched as a look of horror filled his eyes…

…and woke up.

Yeah, weird I know. 

Snakes in dreams are very symbolic, especially for me. I know how my mind works when I’m dreaming. They’re little messages I have to decipher and in this case, they’re good omens. I have an affinity for snakes, especially the more venomous species (go figure lol) and I find it rather amusing that it was two snakes, much like the charm I wear around my neck. 

Should be interesting to when I do a little research on it after I finish this blog O’doom.

-yawns and takes another drink of her magical coffee-

I’ve been getting this itch to write a horror story, I’m just at odds with how I want to start it. The only way I’m ever going to create it, is if I write/type one word at a time. Once you start, it’s like a levee snaps open and you’re suddenly flooded in a world living just behind your eyes that wants so desperately to be shared.

Not gunna lie, writing for me, especially scary stories, makes me feel better. I can’t really explain it. Being able to create something and have others experience it and enjoy what you’ve created…there’s no better feeling in the world. It’s amazingly enriching. It’s something my Dad believed I should pursue, something he thought I was born to do… Maybe he was right.

-gives a small smile-

Anyhoo, I’m gunna stop here, do that research I mentioned and start jotting down notes for what I’m probably going to start writing.

Wish me luck!

-Adieu

..Like Sugar and Cyanide, Our Worlds are Meant to Collide...

A strange thrum echoes within the pathways of the body as muscles ache; tense from sleep. A yawn breaks the quiet followed by a shake of the head. It feels like one of those mornings. Not a bad one, just...the kind where you feel as though you've been hit by a Mac Truck in the middle of the night and only now are you starting to feel the impact.

Thank the almighty caffeine gods for coffee. -raises her Nightmare Before Christmas Thermos in salute before taking a much needed gulp of its delicious contents-

Oooh I just put on Pandora Radio and was immediately met with "You Spin Me Round(Like a Record)" and couldn't help but start wiggling/dancing in place -laughs softly- Ah yes, morning shenanigans...how I love thee ^_^

-chuckles and shakes her head- I've been actively fighting myself to stay positive recently. Yes, I've got something awful living behind my eyes but I'm not going to give it the satisfaction it so desperately craves. It will not rule me. Yes, I'm battling with emotions that are steadily tearing me down as I struggle to keep going forward. We all have those days or points in our lives where you know the world isn't out to get you, but it literally feels like it. 

As though you've been fighting through each level, gaining XP and amazing equipment and you're really convinced you can take on anything...well, within reason, when you get to the next part and the boss battle completely obliterates you. It wouldn't suck as much if you didn't happen to lose basically Everything you've earned the Entire Journey to this point. In a single instant...it's taken away. As if your attempts never meant a god damned thing.

You've been rolling high and even a few 20's but you come across the wrong foe and you're mortified by the 1 you've dropped. It's not just a critical fail, oh no...it's so epic you don't just lose a few limbs, you lose half of everything you've worked for and barely make it out alive.

That's how it makes me feel... And if you didn't know, I am a Gamer. -grins-

-squeaks and begins rocking out to 'Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun' by Cyndi Lauper-

Damn that just brought me back to my childhood...watching The Goonies with my Dad and dreaming about going to Oregon. Good memories :)

I finally did get to go by that coastline and I miss it soo very much. I just miss Oregon. I haven't talked about it in awhile, seeing as my plans to head north were derailed temporarily because the Fates decided I had some more experience to gain. I still plan on making my way up there. I want to aim for Salem (because I've got family there) and because it's always felt like home. I remember how I would describe it to Dad and he actually wanted to move up there too. That was the plan before he got sick. He was going to help me by coming out to Oregon with me, help getting a place and that way we'd still be close to each other. 

So I have this drive deep down inside me to find my way there. Though my Ellie is not running and I'm still waiting to hear back from Starshmucks for an Interview, things may not be as productive as they were last year around this time, I haven't given up yet. I will drag myself, broken and bleeding if I have to. Dramatic yes, but an accurate depiction to how gorramned determined I am about making this happen.

Stubborn? Oh shuga, you've got no idea. -gives a sly grin-

Oh sweet buttery geezuss, 'Enter Sandman' by Metallica just started playing! Oh how I love good music! I definitely need more coffee...-scampers off to get another cup-

I'm still somewhat out of sorts, but I'm actively making myself get through it. I can feel the tendrils of withdrawal sliding along my spirit, searching for any weakness so it can grab me and drag me down the rabbit hole. Somehow I've been able to shrug it off and felt that terrible creature slink back in defeat. I cannot allow myself to be poisoned by negativity. 

I've gone through too much and come too far to let myself fail now. Yes, I've just survived the most intensely painful experiences in less than 3 years time, but I can't give up now. Yes I'm still very wounded and have barely even begun to heal inside, no I'm not the same person I was before. But that's the beauty of life. Change. A metamorphosis of the person we were into the person we'll eventually become.

Yes!! -flails- 'Bohemian Rhapsody' just started playing! -sways and starts singing along-

Damn, really makes me want to go out for karaoke again. The one song we all sing, no matter who I'm with, we end the night singing this and head banging as epically as possible and generally get the entire place to sing along with us -lets out a soft laugh- Good lord I do some really crazy things in public XD Well, at least I'm entertaining everyone and making people laugh. That's something that has always made me feel better as a person no matter how crappy I'd been feeling. Knowing that I've brought joy to someone, even for a second, brings warmth to my heart. I love making people smile and laugh. I don't care how ridiculous or unattractive I look, if I've managed to raise your spirits, I've done my job.

-sways back and forth happily as The Doors, "Alabama Song (Whisky Bar)" starts playing through the headphones- Yet another favorite song...especially since another nicname of mine is Whisky -laughs and shakes her head before taking another drink of her strong coffee of doom-

Heh, after I sat here enjoying the silliness of that song, the next one makes me stop. The haunting beat coils through me and pushes old sensory memories to the surface. Remembering how I felt and who I was all those years ago when this first played on the radio. Kind of fitting for how I've been feeling for some time now too. "What it's like" by Everlast from 1998

Still an incredibly powerful song and I can't believe it's been 17 years. That's a young adult right there -chuckles and shakes her head-

Well my lovelies, I'm gunna end it here, drink me some more coffee and find interesting things to occupy my brainmeats with. See ya'll on the flipside ;)

-Adieu

Fragmented Ponderings

Rich and earthy, I am seduced by the tantalizing aroma of freshly brewed coffee as I continue to ingest my second cup. It was a calm morning, a thick layer of low clouds covered the heavens as the temperature was no more than a lovely 70 degrees Fahrenheit. Much cooler than what the weather channel predicted the day before and I'm grateful for it.

-grows a small smile and takes a hefty drink from her Nightmare Before Christmas Thermos-

This morning was also bittersweet, having learned that Sir Christopher Lee had passed away, Sunday June 7th. Another one of my Dad's favorites, along with Peter Cushing and Vincent Price (as my Dad called, "Uncle Vinny"). Three dear friends, amazing thespians and remarkable human beings.

I remember how badly my Dad wanted to share, "The Horror of Dracula" with me a few years ago, just before his illness began taking over our lives. He had told me it was one of the most amazing, knock-down, drag-out fights between Van Helsing and Dracula ever portrayed on film and nothing would ever top it. That Sir Christopher Lee was the epitome of terrifying and no one would ever compare.

-pauses as that old familiar ache begins coiling inside her rib-cage and struggles to take a deep, calming breath-

Dad was right. He was frightening.

As I think back now, all the times Dad wanted to share something with me, no matter what I was doing, only slightly annoyed at first for the interruption, I still met him halfway. Things that were important to him, things that brought a smile to his face, good memories that would cause his eyes to brighten... I would always say, "Sure, Dad. Why not?"

I'm glad I did...knowing now, that every moment is precious and fleeting. The painful truth of it is, we are Finite. There is only here and now, this very moment... Cherish it. I cannot stress that enough.

Even now as I type these words, the threat of tears lining my lash line, I lick my suddenly dry lips but remain still. Yes, this is painful, but necessary. Better to ride it out then bury it.

Hmm, that's strange. I just had this overwhelming urge to write a small tidbit of a story for you and I think I'll do just that.

*  *
She ran, panicked footsteps slapping against the broken pavement as darkness continued to swell against the last lingering light of day. Something was coming. A terrible thing thats soul purpose was to devour every ounce of good from the souls it happened to cross. How it came to be that this monstrosity was now hunting her was nothing more than a run of bad luck.

That good old fashioned phrase of, 'being in the wrong place at the wrong time.’

This was not going to end well…

Lungs heaved, muscles ached as adrenaline surged white hot through heated veins forcing a tired body beyond its limits. Pain receptors were blocked as a heartbeat thundered, tendons straining, skin slick with sweat. Keep going. Don’t stop. God, don’t let it get me.

But it already had. What she was running from wasn’t some unseen demon or monster out of a Stephen King novel. The terror that followed her every move, every breath she took…was with her all along.

Her body had finally slowed as she neared a parked car sitting adjacent to an old lamppost. Panting, she stood next to the passenger side door and felt a strange energy trickle along her spine. Brow furrowed, something told her to look up.

It was there in the reflection of the window that she saw the truth.

There was no escaping it…the beast she tried to elude was staring back at her. It was her face but not at the same time. Her eyes…weren’t her eyes. In fact, they were nothing more than empty sockets filled with black smoke.

She screamed.

- -- -

Every muscle tensed as a shaking form shot up out of bed and landed painfully in a mess of limbs on the floor; feet tangled in the sheet that now stuck wetly against clammy skin.

Blinking, chest heaving, she glanced around the room and realized where she was. “Holy shit…” She muttered in a scratchy voice and placed her face in her hands as a heartbeat thumped loudly inside her chest like a trapped hummingbird trying to escape.

A shake of the head followed by a soft growl as she managed to get back on her feet and started walking on trembling legs into the kitchen to make herself a very strong pot of coffee. “Looks like it’s gunna be one of those days.” She quipped to herself and just shook her head, hoping the images would begin to fade and not haunt her for the rest of the morning.
*  *  *

I'm in a really weird head-space right now. I want to keep writing, I just can't pinpoint one thought long enough to make it into something tangible. It's like trying to chase wayward fireflies drifting into the darkness, blinking off and on as they rise out of reach.

-sighs and shakes her head-

I think I'll end it here for now...but don't be surprised if I end up posting another blurb later tonight or early in the morning. Thinking about those memories with Dad brought emotions to the surface that want me to pull back and be still.

So for right now, I'm gunna go sit outside and clear my head and try as best as I can to quell this aching in my chest. 

-Anon

A Glimpse into the Chaos

It's just after midnight and I should be sleeping. Maybe it's the rush of cool air against my heated skin that keeps me awake, or perhaps that bloated orb nestled within the dark heavens above me that stirs something wild within... Either way, I don't want these memories flashing behind my eyes with a razor sharp clarity. Memories of moments of 2013, just as Dad got sick... Things I thought I'd moved away from, buried within the blissful silence of my memory warehouse...

Now they're screaming inside my head, painful lashes of emotions I fought so hard to forget, tearing open the scars I thought had finally begun to heal. It wasn't a conscious decision to blank them out. It was as though I had simply gone forward when parts of myself went missing. I thought they'd come back a piece at a time, like the new growth of a forest after a terrible fire turned the world into nothing more than ash. 

But this has been relentless these past few days. A tirade of images and sensory memories unlike anything I've experienced before.

Perhaps it's my brain's way of finally cleaning house. Forcing me to deal with this avalanche built up inside me over the past two years and I can do nothing more than dig in my heels and hope I can claw my way out from beneath the debris when it finally settles.

I'm going to try and sleep. A few hours is better then nothing at all. When I awake, maybe I'll have good dreams to add to this.

-good night- (12:11am)

(Returns at 6:35am the next morning)

I glance up into the glowing horizon and it's not the Red Tail's silhouette that greats me, but a lone mourning dove directly across from me on the power line. It's an odd sensation, knowing this bird sings a sad song for the mate it lost. I call back to it and it immediately responds, desperate to connect again. I know this because as I took a short walk to the store yesterday with my roommate's daughter and on our way back, I saw this lone dove just above us and called out to it. It turned it's body to peer down at me, almost urgent in its movements, which I found odd. I took not a step forward when something told me to look down. There, nestled against the curb where the street met the sidewalk was the body of a mourning dove, laid out on it's back with its head turned away from the street. My heart sank. It's also then that I realized it may have very well been the Red Tail that caused it's untimely death.

Interestingly enough, I have not seen the Lady Hawk yesterday or this morning. I've seen her every day, sometimes more than four times, up on her perch or flying overhead. What's odd about yesterday was not only the dove, but that in the early morning as my roommate's daughter and I were heading for the car so I could take her to school, when I got to the driver's side door ready to unlock it, I heard the distinctive purring meow of a cat behind me. I stopped, blinked and turned toward the sound. There, not six feet from where I stood was a young black cat with stunning golden/amber eyes. "Hi baby!" I exclaimed softly and took a few steps toward her, noticing that when she responded she physically lurched her body toward me but wasn't sure. "Well come here shuga, I'm not gunna hurt you." And held my hand out. She immediately trotted over, tail raised and sniffed my hand before head bumping it, accepting the offering and wanted more affection. I crouched beside her and started petting her, brushing off random leaves from her dark brown fur. My roommate's daughter had ninja'd out of the car and was standing cautiously to my right, about a foot away wanting to meet the young black cat. "Come here sweety, come say hi." I cooed gently and while closing the distance between us, motioned with my hand for the young feline to follow. She obliged and happily greeted her. 

I noticed then that she had a bit of bulging stomach. "I think it's a girl, and she may be pregnant." I thought aloud and my roommate's daughter agreed. I glanced in the appropriate area and my instinct was confirmed. "Yup, she's missing the equipment for a boy." We both kind of chuckled. 

We had to go, so I gave her a few more pets and told her I'd be back and as I started for the driver's side door, she seemed to think she was coming with me and started following. I told her she had to wait and motioned for her to go around the car, which she did. We got in, put on our seatbelts and watched as the tiny black panther trotted over to the head of the car, close to the sidewalk. As soon as I started the engine she startled and ran back to the spot I first saw her, so I knew she'd be fine.

-pauses to take another drink of her coffee and glances up. Finding two mourning doves facing her instead of one-

Hmm, odd indeed.

So as you may have read previously, the section I typed out from last night, I was in a very strange headspace. I still am to an extent, but it's not nearly as bad as last night. Which is definitely a good thing, considering that's not something I want to be feeling the brunt of when I first wake up in the morning.

With everything I went through, from the time my friend Lory passed away to the events leading me into working as a Rabble Rouser for faire... As Faire continued, Dad was getting worse. As my world started to open up, finally getting ready to get out on my own and start my life, the fates intervened and derailed me. For so long I had stayed in my Father's shadow. Too long had I spent in the comforts of my childhood home knowing that I should've been out on my own already. Odd thing is, is that I had been. I lived with roommates, I had a job, I paid bills. I gained life experience and even ended up with my beautiful Eleanore. But I was brought home again. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that it was a good thing. That I needed to stay for a little while. I knew if I hadn't been there, if I wasn't as close, something bad would've happened sooner. Even though he had drank his liver into failure, I managed to prolong his life. It wasn't much, but he used to tell me all the time, how much my presence actually impacted him. That with me just being there, even while I was writing with my head phones on while he watched another episode of Buffy... It was enough. He used to tell me I made a difference without even realizing it.

-fights the sheen of tears that threaten to pool along her lash line-

We didn't have much but he told me he was proud of his daughter and amazed at the strong, intelligent, resilient young woman I had become, even if I didn't see it. That I was truly a Sailor's daughter and god help any man that ever pissed me off.

-grows a small smile while fighting the tightening within her ribcage-

I think back now and realize that for as much as I did, as many nights I barely slept, for months, I would never have just given up on him. He was sick and I was hellbent on doing everything I possibly could to give him a chance. It was my responsibility. There were those who, like angels, were there to help whenever they could and I can never truly thank them for it. They selflessly helped us when I had no one else to reach out to. I am forever indebted to them.

-takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly before taking another drink from her second cup of coffee-

A part of me wants to go home. An almost desperate cry from my soul to place my bare feet against the grainy sand, playful wind slapping cool sea air against my face as the ocean reaches out to tickle the flesh of my feet with icy fingers. To hear that growling thunder as waves crash along the shore accompanied by a chorus of seagulls squawking obnoxiously overhead. I miss being near my great blue mother. To the scent of wild jasmine blooming at sunset as a thick fog rolled up and over the cliffs onto the streets. To hear the faraway barking of merdogs at the seal refuge up the hill, or the haunting cries of wild peacocks wailing into the early morning sun. Or the silly chittering of young raccoons wrestling playfully along the grass just beneath my window like fluffy sumo wrestlers into the wee hours of night.

I know now that I never took a moment for granted. The good and the bad still replaying on a small projector screen in the back of my mind. I will always cherish those memories, no matter how bittersweet because they're a part of me, of who I am. It's definitely not all bright'n'shiny, but it's honest.

-gives a small smile and nearly drains her nightmare before christmas thermos of it's magical contents-

I'm not where I expected to be when I started planning to get out on my own. "You're precisely where you ought to be." Says Gandalf the grey inside my head -chuckles-

On that note, it's now 7:04am and I need to get my ass in hear to take the lovelies to school. I may write more when I get back, but we'll see if the urge is still there.

-returns at 8:07am-

Lately, with these emotions finding their way back to the surface, feeling as though I've been turned inside out, I've come to a realization about myself. Something I wasn't all that pleased with when it initially graced my thoughts. I have been suffering from depression. I fought so hard to stay bright and shiny and positive no matter how shit-tastic I was feeling deep down inside. I refused to let it coil around me and pull me down into that inky blackness. I wasn't going to give it power by saying I felt low. I just wouldn't allow it. Even during the run of this recent faire season I noticed it's manifestation in the weight I had put on. I was nearly 20 pounds heavier then I had wanted to be. I didn't let that pull me down. There were moments when I'd see a picture or look in the mirror and feel that nasty old voice whisper to me that I was becoming ugly again. I flat out ignored it, no matter how much it nagged at me. I simply reminded myself that weight fluctuates and I can work it off and start getting back down in size again, which I currently am. 

I feel better physically when I'm between 150-160 which is still hefty, but not that unhealthy for my build. I almost topped 190 recently and a switch went off on my head. I'm now 178 and still dropping. I've also gained more muscle, which is actually a relief. 

Psychologically speaking, there's a twisted part of my brain, a form of Body Dysmorphia that will claw it's way to the surface if my face gets a little puffy or I swell a little around my midsection from water retention due to natural hormonal fluctuations. The Body Dysmorphia Disorder looks for any excuse to rear it's ugly head but I recognize it for what it is and squash it before it poisons me. From the age of 9 until I was 17 I suffered and fought with it. Caused by the negative terminology of my physical appearance by adults and classmates. Their words had a detrimental affect on my emotional development, especially my self esteem. I was convinced I would never be good enough or beautiful or hold any worth as a human being because I was overweight. No, let me rephrase that. Fat. I was the 'fat ass', 'chunky' etc. I especially loved the phrase, "you're kinda cute Erin, but you'd be allot prettier if you were skinny." I was 9 years old.

Somehow I survived my adolescence and eventually blossomed... After I was 17. I was a very late bloomer. So now as an adult, I understand where these negative thoughts derive from and begin picking them apart before they start to infect me. I won't be a victim of my own childhood demons. 

-chuckles and shakes her head after taking another hefty drink of her third cup of coffee-

Damn, I'm definitely on roll this morning. I guess I needed to let this out, to release some of the pressure building inside before it caused any real damage. Usually it's so very minimal I hardly give it any real thought. I suppose with the flood of my recent past, events with my Father that led me to where I am now...I'm forced into facing myself. No, it's not exactly pleasant, but it explains my moods that I've been internalizing as of late. 

There's honestly nothing wrong with me, just another form of grief. I'm just as screwed up as the next person^_^ 

I'm definitely not ignoring how I feel, which shows how far I've grown as a functioning adult. 

You know I find it interesting, that even though I suffer from a rare, genetic skin disease that there's still no cure for (no it's not contagious) that sometimes is a painful reminder that I will never be normal...it doesn't get the best of me anymore. So I've got scars. So I've got a high threshold for pain. So I'll never wear sleeveless anything in public. So what? It's really not that big of a deal. It used to be, of course. I went through the 'why me' stages. Eh, I got over it. I found it fascinating recently when I discovered it's an autoimmune disease. My body is constantly attacking and healing itself. Talk about being at war with yourself -chuckles- which also explains why I tend to bounce back so quickly from injuries or being sick. I'm pretty damned healthy despite some unhealthy habits here and there. I should be physically worse off than I am. I should be in agonizing pain. But I'm not. Sure, I'll have the occasional flare up to where I'm almost completely immobile, yet even then I've forced myself to get up and be with friends. Because even though I should've been hospitalized for the pain alone, (yes, it has and can get that bad) I knew that just being in good company was enough to bring my weakened spirits up. And it did.

Yes, my father was right. I am one stubborn hard ass lol

Alright, I think I've gone on long enough. Hopefully this wasn't too all over the place and was more or less entertaining. Just a glimpse into the chaos of my mind. Scary, huh?

-Adieu