So Dark Is My Light...

It's been a hot minute since I've updated. The thoughts are always present, words and emotions desperate to be heard, to be felt. Yet, more often then not, I find it hard to bring the words to the surface. To allow the chaos of my mind to spill out through practiced fingertips along black keys. To make sense of the endless white noise that echoes within the twisting halls of my memory warehouse.

The shadows know me there, patient and diligent. Waiting for even the softest of whisper that I'll be there. Terrible shapes of monstrous things lie in wait for my return. What most would deem Monster are the very guardians of the wounded innocence I hide deep inside. My gentle nightmares.

As the days grow shorter and the darkness takes its rightful place along the cooling landscape, I start to feel, even for a moment, more like the me I remember. The hopeful spirit that brings warmth wherever it goes. Its very own light source even within the blackest of places. 

I remember what it was to dream. To fall victim to an over active imagination that would tear away the pain of the real world and allow freedom within the realm of dreams. The moments that were amazing and empowering; new impossible worlds all of my very own to explore and claim.

The internal process of my own inner demons has not been easy. Yet, I'm finally sensing a break through. Once again forced into a cocoon so that I could heal and reemerge as something stronger. The stone version of the fragile thing I used to be. Experiences having molded me, broken me, nearly taken away my light. Bled of tears and innocence, I was at a breaking point. It is at that moment, the eyeless shadows of my inner sanctuary came forward, encompassing me protectively in their skeletal arms and took me away to that hidden space between sleep and awake. They carried me home, tucked away beneath an ever watchful queen. The great mother of my secret shadows and personal guardian of my memory warehouse.

Sometimes you have to take a step back to experience the emotions tearing through you. You have to feel them, listen to them...understand them. They need to run their course. After the flood has subsided and the waters of the mind have finally become calm, only then can you start to move forward again.

For the first time, in a long time it seems...I feel like I can. One foot in front of the other, I begin my journey. Hopeful of what's to come.

-Adieu

Hidden Within The Dark

The chaos settles within the twisting labyrinth of thought as cool fall air caresses the exposed flesh, leaving a trail of Goosebumps in its wake. There’s a shift in the world around us, the echo of what's to come... Shorter days of warm tones within an array of falling leaves as night begins to take up the space left behind. Energy bristles with ethereal secrets as the scent of autumn fills every pore with renewed hope. A time of year that has always brought a sense of joy to a weary heart.

Healing the wounds of traumatic yesterdays has not been easy. Carrying the weight of a brave face has finally become too much to bear. What were once merely shadows of what once was has transformed into intensely vivid High Definition. Memories so crisp, so very clear, it's as though they had just happened not moments ago. Not just the images, but the intensity of sight, sound, smell and taste. Even greater still, are the emotions that accompany them. Enlightening, joyful and beautiful... Yet there are those that are absolutely terrifying.

Time passes in languid succession, traveling at a snail's pace and at times, go into a whirlwind of movement where you find yourself losing reality and the hours within it. I've spent far too much time in this stillness, in this place where time has no meaning. Trying so desperately to remember who I am, where I wanted to go... What it was like to truly smile. I have no real explanation as to why I've gotten to this twisted space where everything I've once loved has become faded and dull. Battling myself internally to crawl out of this hole I've found myself in. The futility of my efforts have weakened my resolve. So many brilliant ideas swim through me only to find themselves washed away in turbulent currents of despair.

There is a stubbornness within that defies simply giving up. A part of me that's never failed, never abandoned me when nothing made sense. To keep going, no matter what. The pain behind this prose is indescribable yet I know it must be released. No longer able to shelter the torment stirring behind downcast eyes. Unwilling to let this make worms meat of me.

Desiring to be better, determined to make something beautiful out of the horrid mess strewn across the inner landscape of dreams. To bathe in the serenity of creativity, attempting to shine again when nothing more than an ember of that precious light remains.

Forcing the self to believe when so much has faded away to nothing.

Trying to find that hope again…hidden within the dark.

-Adieu