So Dark Is My Light...

It's been a hot minute since I've updated. The thoughts are always present, words and emotions desperate to be heard, to be felt. Yet, more often then not, I find it hard to bring the words to the surface. To allow the chaos of my mind to spill out through practiced fingertips along black keys. To make sense of the endless white noise that echoes within the twisting halls of my memory warehouse.

The shadows know me there, patient and diligent. Waiting for even the softest of whisper that I'll be there. Terrible shapes of monstrous things lie in wait for my return. What most would deem Monster are the very guardians of the wounded innocence I hide deep inside. My gentle nightmares.

As the days grow shorter and the darkness takes its rightful place along the cooling landscape, I start to feel, even for a moment, more like the me I remember. The hopeful spirit that brings warmth wherever it goes. Its very own light source even within the blackest of places. 

I remember what it was to dream. To fall victim to an over active imagination that would tear away the pain of the real world and allow freedom within the realm of dreams. The moments that were amazing and empowering; new impossible worlds all of my very own to explore and claim.

The internal process of my own inner demons has not been easy. Yet, I'm finally sensing a break through. Once again forced into a cocoon so that I could heal and reemerge as something stronger. The stone version of the fragile thing I used to be. Experiences having molded me, broken me, nearly taken away my light. Bled of tears and innocence, I was at a breaking point. It is at that moment, the eyeless shadows of my inner sanctuary came forward, encompassing me protectively in their skeletal arms and took me away to that hidden space between sleep and awake. They carried me home, tucked away beneath an ever watchful queen. The great mother of my secret shadows and personal guardian of my memory warehouse.

Sometimes you have to take a step back to experience the emotions tearing through you. You have to feel them, listen to them...understand them. They need to run their course. After the flood has subsided and the waters of the mind have finally become calm, only then can you start to move forward again.

For the first time, in a long time it seems...I feel like I can. One foot in front of the other, I begin my journey. Hopeful of what's to come.

-Adieu