So many times I've tried to type these words...and every time I stop myself, irritated with my lack of creativity and erase everything I've written. I feel suffocated and fear, that I am indeed on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Generally I can suck it up and push forward, forcing down these unwanted emotions and keep moving. But somehow, the emotions have spilled forth, having transformed into living abominations; hooking their gnarled claws into my legs, stopping me from trying to continue on my journey. Persistent little bastards.
I try to allow the creativity to flow...and I find that it flickers out; fading from my eyes and I'm left with a blanket of shadows to keep me company in my frustrated silence.
I want to tear this disgusting weakness from my chest and burn it; watching as the ashes of who I once was be taken away by the wind, never to be seen again.
*growls softly*
I apologize for my silence; finding solace within the confines of my internal cage. I've tried taking on the weight of the world; outside influences burying me within their selfish debris. I struggle to release myself, but have found that it only pulls more down on-top of my beaten body and my soul wails for a salvation...that will never come. I am the only Knight in this fucked fairy tale. I don't believe in being the helpless damsel in distress. I'm distressed alright, but there ain't nuthin' helpless about me. I've been buried before, I've dug myself out...so what makes this different?
Hmm...probably more then I'm used to being weighed down by. Or mayhaps it's merely taken Years for all the pressure to finally get to me. Whatever the case...I haven't been myself.
Being the mischievous social ball of energy that I am, many may have noticed I haven't quite been myself, especially on the ever popular Facebook (or 'Facedesk' as I lovingly call it). My posts seem less personal... Not as many updates on how I'm feeling... My notes having been greatly neglected. To be perfectly honest, I think I've been sinking into an abyss... At first, I didn't want to post about my troubles, not wanting to worry anyone. That progressed to me stopping myself from sharing music I was listening to, fearing that it would provoke the wrong response or others would be able to see a theme I didn't want them to see. This continued until I became so edited that I stopped posting even joyous thoughts. Such as me applying at a Halloween Store. Why not share that? Simple...I didn't think it was all that important. I had become so internally withdrawn that it took a great deal of effort to actually say that I had landed a job.
It's painfully apparent that this shows symptoms of depression. Withdrawing from speaking, anti-social behavior, loss of interest in the things I enjoy, inability to stay focused, trouble sleeping, nightmares, outstanding stretches of irritability and over-sensitivity to the point of rage. Distancing myself from loved ones and finding difficulty in staying positive when the world seems to continuously throw shit in my direction. So why talk about it?
It's taking me a great deal of focus to get this all out. I've just been in a very dark place emotionally, and I didn't want that to leak out onto those I love. I just figured, 'I got this... Besides, there are others that need my help, my bullshit can be sussed out later'. Heh...guess that ain't the case.
I felt sumthin' snap not too long ago, figured it would heal like it always does and I'd be fine, ready to soldier on. Ya...whole lotta good that did.
I've just been dealing with a great deal of crap. Not just mundane everyday BS, I'm talkin' full-on, 'someone's havin' a god-damned catastrophe and I gotta be their emotional bucket they can spew into'.
*sighs*
I sound bitter, huh? *smirks darkly* Don't mean to be... I'm just done with it. I'm tired of listening to the constant badgering that's become nothing but a sea of crackling white noise, threatening to completely drown the broken strands of my sanity. I'm tired of attacking myself for being worthless. I am Not worthless. So I butched up and did what I set on doing. And guess what? First objective achieved.
I'm different this time around... I guess grieving will do that to you. The 1 year anniversary of my Nuna's (Grandmother) passing was on the 11th of this month, and though I'm still scarred from that, I had more then six other deaths weighing on my mind so I've been a little...off. And that's only a small part in the chaos of insanity that's been pouring down on me like acid rain.
I don't really speak about these things because I honestly don't want sympathy. Everyone has things they're worried about, so what makes me special? So I keep it to myself... Allowing it to fester like a wound that just won't heal. Sadly, the wound's become infected and the poison has been traveling to my brain. A dark sickness that's made me feel hollow.
I'm getting better as things begin to fall into place after I've been fighting for them. I'm just becoming exhausted...and yet, I can't afford it. I'm far from done... It's incredibly frustrating.
So again, I apologize for not updating like I should. Everyone has their dark days...mine just happened to be a fuckin' black out.
Heh...all I need is some shined eyes and a shiv and I really would be Riddick...
*chuckles* And on that note...due to my brain being so scattered, I must bid thee anon. Though I have a feeling this writing thing, might actually begin to pick up as I begin to drag myself up again.
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