Watchful Shadows

Hidden within this blanketing darkness, I feel safe. Nothing can touch me here as music swells gently into my ears, while a flame flickers playfully to my left within the depths of a white candle. It’s calm here within my sanctuary…everything seems so still. If only that were the truth held secret within these eyes.

The sting of the aged scotch still pulses down my throat, a soft heat of the poison I’d just ingested moments ago. I stare at the amber colored end of my cigarette; a mini torch within the surrounding shadows. It fascinates me as Adele’s haunting voice sways through my ears like living honey. Seeping into the broken crevices of an over active mind; ever churning, restless…leaving me trapped within this self inflicted tomb of flesh and bone. I want to be free of this constant thrum of pain swelling like a playful tide along my hyper sensitive nerve endings. This condition I hold no responsibility for. Genetics are such a wonderful weapon for a creator’s twisted sense of humor.

She’s one of the stronger ones, let's see how much she’ll take before she snaps.

I’ve carried so many hidden burdens for so long now I haven’t the slightest idea how many years I’ve been holding them in. I just pick up the broken pieces, stick them back in place and pray, that I have the strength to face the next moment without anyone noticing how bad it’s really become. And in truth, it’s pretty bad. But I don’t let you see it because I don’t share the pain. These are My burdens and Mine Alone. But I will tell you this; I am becoming weary of this crushing weight…

This disease of the skin, this horrible burning ache tearing at my body…it’s starting to take it’s toll on me. And it’s permanent. Treatable, but not escapable.

Why I’m writing this out…why I’m allowing you in… I’m tired of keeping it in. I’m afraid that in my silence, I’ve inadvertently distanced myself from those I care about. Please know that my silence is only because of this agony, and when it takes hold of me like it has, I’m too weak from fighting the pain itself to do or say anything creative or productive. In fact, as I’ve noticed, pain this constant can change a person… Emotionally I’m a mess, not gunna lie. It’ll pass as it always does and I will once again be able to let the creativity out.

I come off genuinely positive, which is in no way false, it’s how I am. I’d rather focus on a smile and the joy and warmth it brings others than let you see what this pain has made of me. There’s enough negativity in the world without me adding to it. *shrugs* It’s just how I am. Besides, this darkness welling up inside me is quite frankly, disturbing. And ya’ll know that’s allot for me to say.

So I’ve been focusing on positive outlets; the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Series, for example. Not only does it give me a pleasant distraction with all the blood, gore and fighting my twisted little heart desires, but it also gives me Ideas. You could say Laurel K. Hamilton is quite the inspiration. I own a great many of this particular series and I’ve been feverishly re-reading them again. I’m currently half way through Lunatic Café. Which is the Fourth installment in the series. That’s four books in barely a week and a half. I’ve been a very hungry reader. Hell, I finished Circus of the Damned in a Single Day. My back didn’t appreciate the strain, but my mind thanked me for it. Not sure if I’ll finish this one all in one sitting, but we’ll see how long the Scotch stays in my system before I have to give in and retreat to my bedroom.

I haven’t forgotten you, any of you, I’ve just been buried within a silence that keeps me relatively sane when I feel as though I might break from the strain I’m under. I am writing, but it’s a hard process. Forcing it isn’t helping at all. *sighs with a soft growl* Nothin’ like suffering a small bit of depression due to stress, grieving and a god damned skin condition that’s flared up sumthin’ fierce. *smirks* Again, it won’t last forever. This too will pass. It always does.

I’m still here; just a shadow watching from within the black.

*hugs’n’vanishes*