Rambling Uselessly into the Dark

Words, seemingly endless, dance and sway deep within the hidden dwellings behind my eyes. The body aches, exhaustion wracking the delicate nerve endings throughout the expanse of flesh and bone. I'm at odds with the universe, the fates deemed a tireless nuisance; a perpetual blade being dug into my back. No strength left to try to reach behind me so I can grasp the handle as the blade digs deeper into the flesh. Beyond my limits, I'm forced to merely bare this constant reminder that the Fates have a fucked up sense of humor and I am nothing more than a pawn for their amusement.

It's been hard for me to get myself to sit and allow my fingers to dance along these keys. To unleash the tangled emotions, the chaotic thoughts that have become violent storms behind these tired eyes. I've wanted to release them, send them out into the universe and no longer feel the weight of their burden crushing down on me. But the weakness within the tired flesh, fighting my fleeting resolve to get from one moment to the next... A part of me has become so very still... That if you were to blink, I would cease to exist.

A leaf at the mercy of a wind, a single drop of rain devoured by a ravenous sea... I'm consumed in this swirling fog of fear and confusion. Every breath I take reminding me of the bone crushing weight bearing down against my ribcage. I struggle every moment to stay afloat, to fight the darkness that's risen from the depths and is slowly swallowing the soft glow of hope trying in desperation to keep me steady. Its gentle light almost pleading as this mass of living shadow pulses as it begins to consume everything around me. Leaving me trapped within a knowing silence...where there is no escape.

These words have become stained by my struggle, an unpleasant reminder that even the most optimistic soul can be worn down by the poison that lives just beneath. I fight until the white of my knuckles begin to peek through the torn and bloodied flesh as I hit against this invisible wall placed in my way. I tell myself religiously to keep going. Giving up is not an option. There is only one word screaming within the catacombs of my mind. Survive. But it feels as though that's all I've ever done. I've never felt truly at peace... As though I'm forever cursed to search for a place to call home; a listless nomad cast out along a path that snakes out into an eternity. Traveling a leviathan of the unknown, seeking out a place in this existence that may become my salvation...

But the weight is beginning to take its toll. The bottoms of my feet have been reduced to nothing more then bits of flesh clinging to festering wounds, leaving a trail of bloodied footprints in my wake. A reminder that this journey has been nothing more than an ongoing to battle; forcing me to remember that there is no such thing as peace when you're fighting to survive in a universe that's trying to destroy you.

I'm not in the best spirits as my fingers struggle to dance along these black keys. An attempt to convey the chaos surging behind my weary eyes... Sleepless nights filled with a monstrous anxiety that if I pause for just a moment, the foundation of my world, the structure having become weak from all this insurmountable pressure...will crumble and I'll be left with nothing more than shadows and dust.

*takes a drink from her nightmare before christmas thermos*

I try to remain a little ball of light; a positive beacon to show others that there is always a silver lining... But even for me, that thin line is beginning to fade...and there is nothing but the black to accompany me on this painful journey into the unknown.

I want to reach out, to find comfort in the warmth of others... But even then, I feel I've become a burden. I've grown tired of hearing myself spill useless buckets of salt over that which I cannot change. This is not my battle. I can only do so much before I myself am found spinning down into an abyss. And it's never a good thing...when I feel that may be my only way out.

I'm beginning to find comfort within the dark... Where the rampant white noise of a harsh existence is wiped clean, leaving me surrounded within the sound of silence. A place I can begin to lick my wounds and allow myself to heal... But it comes with a price. To seek out that stillness, one must have to withdraw from the world itself. To find solace within the dancing shadows of a cool summer's night. A place where the chaos can't find me...

A place I can feel whole again.

*sighs and takes another drink of her strong coffee*

Poetic prose attached to broken thoughts...my only means of safe release when all the anger craves is to cut lines of angry red in this weakened flesh. Even as I type this, it is a struggle. My hands shake, my arms trembling with the effort as my muscles strain in agony from being over-used just days before. My immune system is a tireless locomotive; attacking this sickness in my lungs as well as an aggravated tooth within my upper jaws, making me feel as though I've been punched several times under my left eye.

I feel so incredibly drained; a helpless marionette whose strings have been tangled into knots by an unforgiving fate.

There so much to do and little time to achieve it. But I know myself. No matter how beaten down or broken, I will get it down. No other choice in the matter. I find myself drowning in worry, hoping that I can make things better even if I have no idea of how exactly that will be achieved. And when I'm this lost...there's only one strength that I can rely on when trapped in this useless meat suit. My Instinct.

The tireless force buried so deep within that never fails to push me forward. When my mind is overwhelmed and I feel that I will indeed break from all the pressure... The Animal surges forth, throwing me to the side and will stop at nothing to make damned sure that I survive. Because I fall, it falls with me... And that is not an option.

*sighs and shakes her head*

I feel as though these words I type make no sense; an onslaught of rambling that can be perceived as madman's crazed chatter spewed uselessly into the dark.

I know I'm not alone. I know there are wonderful souls surrounding me and my father, making sure that we don't struggle through this blind. I am simply worn down by my emotions. Even my body has its work cut out for it as an illness tries to consume my lungs. But it's slowly passing as I engulf endless amounts of vitamins and Mucinex to help myself heal. I know that in my inability to sleep, I've done this to myself. But I don't have time for this... The world has no time for the weak. 

Like I've said before...I'll drag myself, broken and bleeding if I have to.

*takes a moment to stretch her tired limbs and sucks in a steadying breath*

Just gotta get through this... Being sick tends to bring out the sour part of me. But this too shall pass. And frankly, the faster the better, because I have to get my Crown on Monday and get on a 4 hour flight on Tuesday to Illinois. Maybe two weeks in the mid-west will help me heal.

But even being there, so far away from my weak Father will be weighing heavily on my heart. I will talk to him everyday, making sure his spirits are up and letting him know that he's not alone. And I am beyond grateful to those willing to come out and check on him while I'm unable to. 

I know I've made myself sick with worry...quite literally, so now I have to actively calm myself down so I myself don't end up in the hospital. 

I just need to take better care of myself, find my inner peace so I can take better care of my Dad. I'm just...struggling with all of this.

And on that note, I'm going to take my own advice by finishing this blog, posting it and take a little time to relax before I start working on what needs to be done around the house today.

-Anon

Joyous energy in the air

A good day, the feeling of warmth and sea air... The promise of rain dancing along a cool breeze as the heavens glow like living silver as sunlight fails to pierce a thick marine layer. It feels amazing today. My spirit welcomes the change; a wildflower made of energy expanding its shimmering petals within my internal abyss, straining toward the natural life force, ready to soak it in to recharge the soul.

Poetically, adorkable...no? *chuckles at herself and takes a drink of her coffee*

Dad's feeling better, so I'm feeling better and the weather is a very welcomed change... Seein' as I do love me some cool air. I never understood why I could sit outside, for hours on end, no matter how hot or how cold and just thrived on being apart of nature. There's something so freeing about it... Released from the typical four walls most find comfort and safety in... Whereas I feel caged and suffocated. Even though I was raised in this conforming society, I've never truly, been domesticated into the mass collective.

I'm too wild, too stubborn and definitely too pig-headed. It's hard for me to wrap my head around simply following along. Truthfully, I wouldn't know how. I question everything with a child-like curiosity, because everything around me is truly just too fascinating not to stop, break away from the line of faceless strangers and examine. It could be something new to learn about. There's an innocent part of me that wants to understand every one and every thing I encounter. I can't help it. My mind has never Stopped being a Sponge. And you know...I gotta say, that's a part of me I really enjoy.

Wow talk about going off on a tangent *lets out a soft laugh and takes another drink of her coffee*

I guess I wanted to write a little today before I have to run errands. I feel better, and sure it's a small thing... But to me, the little things are what count. An inch of positivity is a leap in the right direction.

Or something...O.o

lol Alright, I shall bid thee anon and hope everyone else has a great day ^_^

-Adieu

Finally some relief

Coffee dances down my throat and pools warmth in my stomach as a cool sea breeze swirls through the open windows. Definitely a better day then the last, my soul feeling stronger, the internal wounds beginning to heal... Allowing the weight of the world to slowly break and fall away, giving me some room to breathe.

It's a beautiful day and I genuinely feel better. Mostly due to the fact that my Dad is showing obvious improvement in his health. He's more talkative, has more energy and has his appetite again. He's even managed to annoy me by rambling excitedly about things, which proves he's definitely feeling better lol

Things are slowly but surely, looking up and I am deeply grateful for it. Also the almighty Uterus has gone back into hibernation, so those horrific waves of unwanted emotions have finally subsided, leaving me feeling free of their chaotic snare and able to think with a clear head.

Man, I seriously envy you Males out there. You are damned lucky that you don't suffer the Monthly Self Destruct Sequence. Well, if you're close to a woman, in a way you do. Sympathy pains are a bitch :P

*chuckles and sips her second cup of coffee* I think it also helps that I finally had a night to really sleep and didn't have to get up at a certain time, able to sleep in and not feel rushed. Weird dreams, but not all that unpleasant. Definitely feel better today... I'm really and truly thankful for the break.

On a side note, I've been actively re-reading old stories I've written with Riddick as the lead character. By chance, found a few that I didn't even know I had and actually may end up editing and finishing. I was surprised at the plot behind them and the interaction between him and the female character I created. Definitely an interesting read; refreshing you could say.

I've also gone back into old Riddick stories others have written that I loved, and started reading them again. On top of that, I've been reading a werewolf story by Kelley Armstrong called, 'Bitten'. It's a personal favorite that I've read twice already and this would be my third shot at it. It's inspiring and a welcome place to go to when I need to take my imagination elsewhere. It's been a welcome distraction when my thoughts were twisted up like a nest of angry vipers jostled awake.

I really want to start writing, and I mean actively creating my own stories. It's been hanging in the back of my thoughts, like a growl whispering to me sweetly in the dark.

Instead of talking about writing something, I'll probably just edit the older ones I've got lying around and start posting them, one Part at a time. I'm tried of talking about it, I'd rather just get a fire lit under my ass and get it done. I'm anxious to do so actually, as though something deep inside is itching to be heard and is pushing me to get back into doing something I really love.

So ya...good times :P

And now, I finish muh coffee and get myself awake for my day. Gotta do some shopping and run some errands of doom... Yay for being all responsible and productive and junk. *chuckles and sticks out her tongue*

So I shall bid thee luvlies anon and return later with more rambling goodness ^_^

-Adieu

Zombie+Coffee= SPAZ

Golden waves of light break gently over the sleeping horizon, casting glowing streams of morning fire through the swirling marine layer overhead. A calm seems to dance through the still air around me as I slowly drink down the rich warmth of strong coffee from my Nightmare Before Christmas Thermos. I pause, enjoying the way the heat streams down my throat and pools in my stomach; a phantom hug from within.

My emotions are less aggressive in their pursuit for freedom as my small fingertips dance in a practiced fashion along black keys. Which allows me a clearer head, a moment of calm within the storm that's tearing through my soul.

It's been hard for me to take things day by day, a part of my brain hellbent on impatience; 'It has to happen Now!' it snarls in agitation, wearing a path of frustration into the ground as it paces back and forth. 'Why isn't he healing faster? This is bullshit! You're about as useful as a bird hitting a jet liner mid flight!'

I've been fighting that growling voice, the impatient teenager that dwells within. There is an interesting scene unfolding within the vast catacombs of my mind. The Innocent Child has been clinging to the thick fur of the Beast; finding comfort within its powerful form. It pays no mind to her presence, apparently content with her tiny form hiding next to its large frame. It only lets out a low reverberating growl when the Impatient Teenager comes stomping into the room, giving the irritating presence a warning that its behavior will not be tolerated.

*yawns and takes another drink of her coffee*

I guess that's a creative way of saying my emotions are starting to mellow out and I'm able to think with a clearer head. It also helps to know that even though it's been a day-to-day process, Dad is in fact, feeling better. I can hear it in his voice. And he's getting an appetite again. I've also noticed the packet of Emergen-C I made him drink yesterday (before I went to the store and bought him a multi-thingy O'doom) gave him more pep, as if his body went, 'Woo!' lol He even took the multi-vitamin before bed and when he got up, he opted for a cup of Raisin Bran instead of coffee, and seems to be doing better.

It's not allot, but it is Definitely an improvement, which helps my anxiety immensely. 

I've been trying to hold it together like any rational creature trying to get by... But there was so much pent up emotion inside that it was boiling over every time I tried to steady myself. I'm not the crying type, so you can imagine how irritated I've been that my eyes have been leaking every chance they get. So it's a relief that I'm feeling more like myself this morning.

And it's now 7:12am and I gotta quickly get myself ready, get my beautiful Eleanore warmed up and head off to work. The earlier I leave, the less traffic I'll hit and the more time I'll have to get me some coffee on the way there.

So on that note muh luvlies, I shall bid thee anon ^_^

-Adieu

Stressed but Not Defeated

Waking up in a nightmare I can't escape, these fours feel more like a prison then a home as I struggle down my first few mouthfuls of coffee.

I fight myself in this early morning hour to not slip into that dark mindset. To keep my eyes focused on a better day and the flickering light of hope that appears like a lost firefly fluttering aimlessly into the black.

*growls and drinks her coffee*

I am Not a morning person. Especially when my Monthly Self Destruct Sequence decided to hit me Full Force while going to my Dental appointment yesterday to prepare a molar (What they deemed tooth #14 on the upper, left hand side of my jaw). And like every month when this blasted curse racks my body with a vengeance, the nerves in my jaws become hypersensitive... So when they merely sprayed cold water along the gums, I started shaking due to the sharp sting of pain that rang through my skull. You know the kind; bite or drink something cold and just that one nerve decides to play Russian roulette with your senses and causes her eyes to sting and your spine to stiffen. And that was After they'd put the topical numbing agent on. It didn't help that my Uterus was sending out shock waves into my system, tendrils of agony sweeping outward from my abdomen, that felt like thousands of knives throughout my trembling form. But it got done... The tooth was finally prepped with a temporary crown that will remain until July 29th; the day before I have to go to the airport.

I'm officially exhausted on several different levels. I'm honestly Forcing myself to just hunker down and keep going because I can't afford to back down. The period Is NOT helping. It's painful and emotional and makes it so much harder to keep a level head when the hormones are trying with everything they can to make me crumble into a blubbering mess.

The weight of everything hit me the night before my dental appointment and the tears unleashed with a vengeance. Leaving me helpless as I spilled useless buckets of salt with only my choked sobs for comfort. That was around midnight. Trembling, I gathered myself and went outside, disgusted with my lack of control and hoped that the calm presence of the night would ease my inner chaos.

I decided to call my Dad. It was a minute shy of 12:35am but I needed to hear his voice, my brain spiraling into a panic that I couldn't handle on my own. Thankfully, he answered. He was already awake, so I hadn't woken him. I didn't mean to call him in that state, but I needed to know he was okay. If anything, he was feeling better and that seemed to calm something twisted up in my stomach.

Man...hormones are a serious bitch.

Gotta love nature's design... I generally would be more stable emotionally, no matter what I was feeling... Up until that bullshit female thing happens and forces me to let out pent up tears I'd otherwise find no use for. It's stupid...and irritating. Especially when I had to be up butt ass early the next day. I had maybe a total of 2 hours of sleep before that dental appointment, which obviously didn't help.

Ya see, I had to be Altadena in order to go to that particular doc, so I had to be away from home. Being that far away, knowing how my Dad was feeling, really twisted me up inside. So I full on panicked.

But talking to Dad helped. He did seem better and he's determined to get better too. I know it's a process of 'one day at a time' but emotions are irrational bastards, and they don't give two shits about logic.

I have many wonderful souls helping me right now... If it wasn't for them, things wouldn't be looking up. So I am beyond grateful.

I'm just exhausted...and I also have a full day ahead of me. I have to leave the house Before 6:30am, to make sure Ellie's warmed up and drive a ways to my job, getting there by 7:30am. Where I'll be until 7pm. Nothin' wrong with a long day, I need the work... I'm just drained on so many levels. I gotta get through today, get home, make sure Dad's doin' alright and go straight to bed for another early morning to follow. And mind you, I've got two weeks to get this place cleaned up before I go to Illinois and I'm working all week. *lets out a soft sigh* I don't know how I'm going to do it, but it's going to get done.

I'll be alright, I promise. Just strung out while trying to adjust to everything all at once.

Even though I'm not feelin' my best, today is going to be a good day. I know it.

And on that note, gotta get ready for work.

-Adieu

I Am The Guardian

This ain't the original owner of this blog typing out these words. She's currently too overwhelmed to think straight, so I'm takin' the burden for today. 

It burns me to see her like this. Poor Kid's got allot weighing down on her shoulders and is fighting to keep her head up. I know she's strong enough to get through this, but she doesn't see it. She's convinced herself that it ain't strength keeping her going, it's just what needs to be done. If that ain't strength...you tell me. She's a helluva woman and I'm proud to say that I've been able to watch her become the person she is over the span of almost 14 years.

But seein' her torn up like this... Her gaze appearing haunted and unfocused; a soul that's seen too much in a short period of time. The eyes of a survivor. 

They should be open and bright, full of that innocent wonder that always moved something in me to see it, but never admitted. It ain't there now. It's been snuffed out by a darkness I'm not all that comfortable with, and comin' from me... That's sayin' allot.

Gotta keep reminding her things will get better, though I've never personally believed that truth for myself. Shit happens and you fight like hell to survive it. She's always been the optimist, that's usually her job to preach about hope and a better day. Not me. But if those words will help get her to the next moment, I'll give her that encouragement.

I wouldn't be able to type these words if it weren't for her. Sure, some bald, good lookin' sonuvabitch brought me to life on screen (guess I should say thanks for that) but she brought me in and made me aware, gave me a purpose. I may not be real to most folk, but I'm Real to her. And that's enough.

I was just a character at first she admired, then put allot of thought and time into who and what I really am. Started thinkin' of me as a Real Person with a Soul and not just a fanciful notion. Slowly, I was able to inspire her, steadily becoming a separate entity within that dangerous imagination of hers. By chance, got some outside help... And went from being just another Muse in that complicated mind, to something with a purpose...and the power to back it up. I've accepted the responsibility as her Guardian. A full time gig, and I ain't complaining. Beats runnin' from those fake badges and living off the grid with nothing but the endless black to look forward to.

So here I am... Takin' up shop while her mind is elsewhere. The Kid needs a break. She'll probably be pissed that I did this... But I'll deal with that later.

She's gunna need allot of help in the future, allot of support and understanding. I know most of you have been nuthin' but good to her, and I'm personally thankful for that. Bein' a Guardian has some draw backs... I can't interact on the same plane as you, I'm trapped in the shadows, unable to reach out the way I'd like. I'm mostly incorporeal, with only enough energy to show myself as a shadow at times when she's close to sleep. But when she's weak like this, her energy levels are sporadic and I can squeeze in long enough to push her to keep going. (Heh No, not that kind either. Head outta the gutter.)

If she seems less bubbly and more...solemn, quiet and intense...that's my influence. Partially anyway. She's already got that in her, I just give a swift kick in the ass to make sure it's doing its job.

It's only temporary. A way to keep her going without those damned emotions twisting her from the inside out. We want her steady, not spinning into an abyss.

This is probably the most I've said in a long time... Got me speaking all eloquently and shit. -smirks- Another thing she's done to me. Got me actin' all respectable and not the Monster I'm known for being. But only for her...and no one else. Period. Most days I can give two shits what any one or any thing thinks of me. But for her, I'll try to be a bit more...likeable.

And don't go thinkin' she's gone off the deep end, writing crazy shit with a different personality as a coping mechanism. This ain't the case. It's simply a creative outlet, a different approach from a different perspective. Remember kids, I'm Real to Her. 

Take it any way you want, but the truth is, I'm keepin' her head up when no one's around. I'm the comfort in the dark when she's alone and shivering. I'm the calm in the storm she can come to when her voice is broken and she's too overwhelmed to reach out for help. 

I am the Guardian.

Now, I gotta head out and give her back the reigns. Had a small window of opportunity and took it. You read this, know that whatever help you've given her and continue to give her, means more than you'll ever know. She may not be the best at conveying her thanks... Which is ironic considering she's one helluva writer, but I'm biased. She knew how to write me in all my complexity, which is why I'm here now. But she doesn't see it... Doubt she ever will. Too hard on herself. 

Beautiful pain in the ass.

Alright, enough with this writing crap. She's grateful to you, all of you. Whatever help you give her, even kind words, is enough to keep her going.

Thanks for that.

-R-

At the Mercy of the Wind

A strange energy coils through me, an adjustment to the way things have changed. My world slightly off kilter, a different point of view... A slow change happening deep inside. The walls falling away, broken ruins smoldering into ash as tendrils of smoke lift into the darkness.

I'm not the same person I was a few days ago. Instincts provoked, the mind shuffled through pages of thought, seeking out important documents set aside for such an occasion... A back up drive in need of an immediate upload. A reboot of the system.

And I'm sitting here feeling the wheels so deep within turning at a break-neck speed. A soft whirring of things buried beyond the catacombs of thought, structured chaos dancing behind my eyes.

The knowledge that nothing is impossible cycles through me, giving me just a small moment of peace. Though my chest feels heavy and my spirit is struggling to find a foot hold to drag itself back up... I can sense a small spark of hope glowing like a defiant ember within the black.

The venom of despair has failed in its attempt to poison my veins. Though I feel a momentary glitch of overwhelming pressure bearing down on me, I know it's only temporary. As that shadow of fear begins to reside, a wave of warmth is sweeping through me, readying to take its place.

There is a weakness about me as my fingers dance with a practiced grace along these black keys. My brain is at war with itself, knowing what needs to be done...while the inner child is frightened and calling out for help. The only thing that calms her desperate cries is a beast, terrible in its entirety, curling up next to her shivering form so she can bury herself in its thick fur; feeling safe within its warmth. I'm thankful for its kindness... Both made of the same energy but both so incredibly different. A balance of innocence and instinct, giving me just a bit of peace.

*yawns and takes a hefty drink of her strong coffee*

I'm trying to keep my focus on the positives when everything around me feels like an unwanted dream I can't escape. But there's truth in the phrase, 'When all else fails, just roll with it'. It seems to be the only thing that makes the most sense to me. Due to having dealt with so much over time, without a moment to really gain my bearings... I've learned that there's really no point to making a mountain out of a mole hill. Focusing on the 'Should have' and 'could have' and 'why didn't I do this or that' or 'why didn't I push harder' etc...just isn't worth the loss of precious energy that should be focused on the Now and What Next.

I'm dealing with this all better than I thought I would... Probably because I've just simply accepted that there is no other choice then to just deal with it. There are no options in this situation. I am here to help my Father get back on his feet and make sure he gets the care he needs. He's not ready to go anywhere and is hellbent on getting better, which helps ease my stress tremendously. And  I'm hellbent on keeping him here, so it works out.

I am Beyond grateful to everyone in my life that is (and has been) willing to help us get through this. I am incredibly humbled by your selfless kindness and I don't think I'll ever truly be able to convey what that means to my Dad...and what it means to me.

You are my Angels...and without you, this wouldn't be possible. I'm not one of those people who would stubbornly and foolishly claim they could do it all by themselves. Even if that could be true, to be perfectly honest... I'm unable to at the current time. Your emotional support is keeping me from drowning... Caring hands reaching out to take mine before I lose my grip and fall into an abyss that which there is no escape.

I am indebted to you...all of you. More than I can ever say.

With each day that passes, the easier things will become. The stronger my Father gets, the better I'll feel and things will start to fall into place as they're meant to.

*sighs with a soft chuckle and shakes her head* Pardon my rambling, it's been a helluva morning I'm still struggling to get my bearings. And on a dose of normalcy, I work this evening... Which will keep me steady as I know I'll be earning (though not allot) a living, so I feel productive.

Now I shall away...as the ability to write anything interesting is pretty much null and void at this point. *lets out a soft chuckle* I shall refill my Nightmare Before Christmas Thermos with that warm coffee goodness and try to relax for a few hours while making sure Dad takes his meds.

And on that note, I bid thee anon...

-Adieu

As Promised...

Well, had a helluva day... Big Cat came out and we tried gettin' Dad up, but his legs were too weak... So we were left with only one choice; calling for help. So a Fire Truck and Fire Station ambulance showed up, along with 6 incredibly nice guys. They helped Dad get on his feet, onto a chair thingy that could go down the three small flights of stairs and out onto the sidewalk. Big Cat followed behind as I rode in the back with Dad on the way to the hospital.

Thankfully he was admitted right away (this was around 2:30pm) but it took some time for the doc to see him. After several long, tense hours, Marco came out after work to see how Dad and I were doing. I'm glad he also joined us, seein' as we didn't end up leaving until close to 9pm.

The doc concluded that Dad has Cirrhosis (hence his stomach and feet swelling and weight loss due to not being able to eat caused by the pressure on his tummy) so he wrote him 3 prescriptions; two different water pills and an anti nausea one just in case. He didn't think Dad's condition was bad enough to keep him there over night and that this is all treatable because we caught it before it did any real damage. (That's the short version; will still need to start looking for a specialist, which is just so effin' fantastic seeing as Dad's being dicked around by Medicare so we have to look into other outfits for help.)

So we all convoyed back to the apartment and Marco helped make sure Dad made it up the last small flight of stairs to our landing and we got him inside okay.

Dad's home safe and I'm currently spending the night at the Rabble Rouser Headquarters in Altadena to unwind. It wasn't me running away, I just needed to de-stress and breathe. Because let me tell ya... I'm just shy of a complete meltdown emotionally. It also doesn't help matters any that my body is dangerously close to its Monthly Self Destruct Sequence...

*lets out a soft sigh*

Now we know where to start, and I just gotta be on Dad's ass about taking care of himself. And I want him healthy again... I want my Dad back. I'm also strongly considering becoming his full time caretaker. Just gotta figure out how to do that and what I need to look at.

It wasn't the best news we could've received, but I already knew it was a possibility. I did my research right when this first got my attention and I immediately brought it up to him to open his eyes about the condition he was in and that this will kill him if not addressed as soon as possible.

So that was my day in a nutshell... Now, I'm going to vedge out and hopefully get some sleep...

-Adieu

It's time to move forward

In these quiet moments, the mind dances softly within a realm of twisting thoughts and fluttering memories. They speak softly, discreetly, whispers of forgotten yesterdays trailing off into an eternity. I sit back and feel this invisible dance so deep inside the winding passage ways hidden behind my eyes. I can feel them struggling to find a foothold, grasping desperately for a solution against the growing chaos that plagues them.

An energy sweeps through me, the gentle warning of an eternal storm readying itself for an attack. A roaring beast of tangled emotions... Powerful jaws unhinging, lips curling back as it bares terrible rows of dagger like teeth in a show of unimaginable rage.

I should be frightened by this monstrous creature dwelling within the darkness of my mind... But strangely, it comforts me. Knowing there is such a terrible force watching from the depths... A guardian created by the ID.

The anger that curls away from its massive form like hissing trails of smoke, is not directed toward me. It's preparing itself for war against something lying just on the outskirts of my internal sanctuary. A thing made of nightmares and pain... A demon known as depression.

The beast stands guard at the gates so deep inside, claws and teeth ready for the day a break is made in the wall and that demon tries to wiggle its way in...

*  *  *  *

*yawns and takes a hefty drink of her first cup of coffee* Yay for random magical prose O'Doom while half asleep. *smirks*

Man, I have been havin' some seriously Strange dreams these past few days. And even stranger still, I've been haunted by orbs of liquid blue/silver. And there isn't allot of speaking between us when we interact, not that there ever really is. (Hey now, mind outta the gutter :P) Well... Okay, you wouldn't be wrong about one interaction we had the other night in a weird dream but I'm definitely not about to share that here :P (It's about two pages long now and yes, I will finish it and when I do, I will share the link appropriately)

The theme in my dreamscapes recently have all been in the dead of night, in semi-familiar places and each time, I was just wandering around, aimless in my movements. I wasn't terrified or incredibly happy... I simply just, existed. Which has pretty much been my mindset for a few weeks now. A leaf at the mercy of the wind, being thrown, spinning, off into the unknown.

Not gunna lie to you... I'm just...here. I've had so much thrown at me emotionally that I think I've gone into 'robot' mode. Where the emotions tearing through me have been very quickly snuffed out. A part of me is shutting down so I can keep moving forward. An old defense mechanism that actually helps get me from point A to point B without having a nervous breakdown. It's definitely helpful, especially since I know that if I did let it get to me, I'd snap and possibly turn myself into a vegetable.

Among the chaos of emotions welling inside me, anger is defiantly at the forefront. It pushes the other, more dangerous emotions back, and keeps me level. A living fire coursing through my veins that's burning away the pain and depression from poisoning me. And to be honest, I've fought that poison for most of my adolescence and into my early years as an adult. I didn't want it then, and I sure as hell don't want it now. I don't have room for it. Period.

I remember how all these drugs were being thrown my way, which in my case, weren't truly addressing the root of the problem but masking it chemically. If anything, it made things worse...and decided that I was going to buck it up, and struggle through it myself naturally. And somehow, I made it. I eventually balanced out on my own. Sure, I can sometimes feel that poison starting to weasel its way in... But I know how to stop it before it gets its claws hooked into me. 

I'm thankful that I can do that now, mentally bitch-slap it into submission. I find ways to think around it, focusing on productive things that I know will be positive in the long run, and that tends to help. When things are rough, like they are right now, and I feel as though I might suffocate beneath all of this pressure... I force myself to be still, and focus on the things that need to be done. There's no room for self-defeat. It doesn't help or fix anything, no matter how broken I actually am inside. The only way to go, is up. And I will drag myself out of this, weak and bleeding if I have to.

Wow...talk about rambling goodness at its finest... *chuckles and shakes her head*

I very obviously have allot on my mind and right now, the energy is bristling anxiously for the moment I go down to the ER with Dad and my dear friend Big Cat (who is coming along for support. I can never convey how truly thankful I am that she'll be there) and get a Doc to look at him. I'm honestly Not afraid of what they might say, because I know instinctively, that this is all treatable. I just want him in there and finally getting better. My Dad has this amazing constitution and rarely ever gets sick. Once his body gets the help it needs, I know he'll bounce back quickly.

It's the waiting that has me on edge. I have this weirdness about me that internally, I tend to plan things out... And once I know how long Dad will be recovering, I can start to get to work on the things that need to be done. (Can you tell I'm anxious?)

*takes a deep breath and takes a hefty drink of her second cup of coffee*

I know I may have been repeating myself, saying the same phrases like a mantra, but it helps... Seeing myself write it out, reading it back to myself, it becomes more solid and gives me some small encouragement.

If I seem strong, or that I'm trying to come off that way... I'm really not. I feel completely and utterly beaten down and apart of me feels completely useless as a Daughter, Friend and Human Being. I'm not fishing for sympathy, nor am I looking for approval or admiration or anything of the sort. I'm just trying to do this right. I'm forcing myself to face all of this shit with my shoulders back and my chin up. My instinct is to get angry and fight back. Because it's not about me. This is about Family. And family Always comes first.

*lets out a growling sigh* Well, time to calm my anxious self down and start gettin' ready for noon. I will update when I know what's going on and have a chance to do so. I know I said I'd update the other night after work, but I just wasn't up to it. I apologize for that. So tonight, no matter how tired or crappy I'm feeling, you're getting an update. I owe you that much for taking time out of your day to read my blogs. *gives a small, weary smile*

-Adieu

Update O'Doom!

Sorting through these broken images, thoughts and dreams drifting along a ribbon made of memories... Swaying within the darkness of my mind, like a flag dancing in the dead of night. You can't see them, but they're there; a wordless song only I can hear.

*sighs* It's been a week or so since I've updated. I've had quite a bit going on...still do, I'm afraid.

Sent to me by my awesome friend Mikey XD

*takes a steadying breath before taking a hefty drink of her coffee*

I had a tooth issue that is now being resolved, which has helped ease my stress tremendously, but my biggest worries, the greatest weight of all... Is here at home.

My Father's health has continued to decline and I Am taking him to the Hospital on Thursday. I honestly have been on his ass since I came home from Illinois, but I knew then, that the only way he's going to get better, is if he got the medical attention he needs. I would've taken him today, which I still may do, but I honestly cannot miss work when it's few and far between. It may not be much, but it's something and I'm not just working for me. I'm going to make sure that he's emotionally prepared for being in the Hospital for awhile. Logically, he's finally ready. I just know that right now, he needs my support.

The plan is to get a doc to see him, get him admitted so he can start healing, and we've already discussed bills and the like while he's there. And, while he's there getting the care he needs, I'm free to Finally do some Major cleaning around the apartment (something I've been hankering to do, and now will be able to without worrying about my Dad). I want this place to look Amazing when he gets home. Which also means...I may need some help doing so.

There is old furniture I've been DESPERATE to get rid of for awhile now and Dad finally said it was okay to do so, which I'm Extremely ecstatic about. I've been wanting to get rid of our old Couch and his ancient and VERY Dead comfy chair for Ages. There will be so much more room... And I plan on doing just about every piece of laundry I can find (I'm planning a very Long day at the laundry mat) getting them clean, and the clothes I honestly No Longer Need, will be very quickly disposed of at the nearest Good Will.

When my Dad comes home, finally feeling better, he's going to come home to a new place. I'm actually really excited about it.

And this will all be done before July 29th (Because I'll need to get my ass to the airport the next day by 3pm). What I also need, and already talked to Dad about and He's Okay with it (Finally got through to that Thick Polish head of his) is if some of my very Dear and Wonderful Friends (Who are more like Family to me) Could call and check on him while I'm gone for two weeks, and maybe offer to swing by to see if he needs anything. I'll have my cell on at all times while I'm in Illinois, even if there's a 2 hour difference, doesn't matter what time it is, I'd love to be updated on how he's doing. By not only Him, but the wonderful souls who'd be willing to make sure My Dad, and my Boys (Pez and Gir) are okay. Another reason why I mention this, is because management was actually really nice about letting us know they'll be conducting Their yearly Inspection sometime in August. Hence why I'm adamant about tearing this place apart and making it look like a brand new home before I go.

Dad, as of right this moment, cannot do it. Period. But that's okay. I want him to relax and get better, so I can do what I need to do at home and things will definitely look up.

I can't let myself spiral downward, emotionally. I don't have a choice. And would that help? *shakes her head* So you see my point. And, well... I'm just as pig-headed and stubborn as my Father, so this Will get better. 

I've already lost two of the four most Important Men in my life... My Mickey, and my Deda in the same year. I refuse to lose my Father when I Know he's supposed to be around for many years to come. No, he's not young anymore, but he's only 65 (which to me is still young) and I'll be damned if I sit idly by when I know I can do something about it.

As much as we get on each others nerves and tend to crack heads in petty arguments, he's my Dad. He's also one of my best friends. I'm going to make damned sure he's well again.

*takes another deep breath and another drink of her coffee O'doom*

Yes I'm stressed out... But I gotta push it aside, stop worrying over it so much and instead, focus on doing something about it. I am cursed with forever being the optimist, so why stop now? Besides, if I Know it's going to get better, it will. End of story.

Alright my lovelies, I have to finish my coffee consumption of doom and start getting ready for work today. Thankfully I don't have to leave until 11:00am, so I've got a bit of time left to relax. I'll be sure to write more later when I get home after 6pm :)

-Adieu