A strange energy coils through me, an adjustment to the way things have changed. My world slightly off kilter, a different point of view... A slow change happening deep inside. The walls falling away, broken ruins smoldering into ash as tendrils of smoke lift into the darkness.
I'm not the same person I was a few days ago. Instincts provoked, the mind shuffled through pages of thought, seeking out important documents set aside for such an occasion... A back up drive in need of an immediate upload. A reboot of the system.
And I'm sitting here feeling the wheels so deep within turning at a break-neck speed. A soft whirring of things buried beyond the catacombs of thought, structured chaos dancing behind my eyes.
The knowledge that nothing is impossible cycles through me, giving me just a small moment of peace. Though my chest feels heavy and my spirit is struggling to find a foot hold to drag itself back up... I can sense a small spark of hope glowing like a defiant ember within the black.
The venom of despair has failed in its attempt to poison my veins. Though I feel a momentary glitch of overwhelming pressure bearing down on me, I know it's only temporary. As that shadow of fear begins to reside, a wave of warmth is sweeping through me, readying to take its place.
There is a weakness about me as my fingers dance with a practiced grace along these black keys. My brain is at war with itself, knowing what needs to be done...while the inner child is frightened and calling out for help. The only thing that calms her desperate cries is a beast, terrible in its entirety, curling up next to her shivering form so she can bury herself in its thick fur; feeling safe within its warmth. I'm thankful for its kindness... Both made of the same energy but both so incredibly different. A balance of innocence and instinct, giving me just a bit of peace.
*yawns and takes a hefty drink of her strong coffee*
I'm trying to keep my focus on the positives when everything around me feels like an unwanted dream I can't escape. But there's truth in the phrase, 'When all else fails, just roll with it'. It seems to be the only thing that makes the most sense to me. Due to having dealt with so much over time, without a moment to really gain my bearings... I've learned that there's really no point to making a mountain out of a mole hill. Focusing on the 'Should have' and 'could have' and 'why didn't I do this or that' or 'why didn't I push harder' etc...just isn't worth the loss of precious energy that should be focused on the Now and What Next.
I'm dealing with this all better than I thought I would... Probably because I've just simply accepted that there is no other choice then to just deal with it. There are no options in this situation. I am here to help my Father get back on his feet and make sure he gets the care he needs. He's not ready to go anywhere and is hellbent on getting better, which helps ease my stress tremendously. And I'm hellbent on keeping him here, so it works out.
I am Beyond grateful to everyone in my life that is (and has been) willing to help us get through this. I am incredibly humbled by your selfless kindness and I don't think I'll ever truly be able to convey what that means to my Dad...and what it means to me.
You are my Angels...and without you, this wouldn't be possible. I'm not one of those people who would stubbornly and foolishly claim they could do it all by themselves. Even if that could be true, to be perfectly honest... I'm unable to at the current time. Your emotional support is keeping me from drowning... Caring hands reaching out to take mine before I lose my grip and fall into an abyss that which there is no escape.
I am indebted to you...all of you. More than I can ever say.
With each day that passes, the easier things will become. The stronger my Father gets, the better I'll feel and things will start to fall into place as they're meant to.
*sighs with a soft chuckle and shakes her head* Pardon my rambling, it's been a helluva morning I'm still struggling to get my bearings. And on a dose of normalcy, I work this evening... Which will keep me steady as I know I'll be earning (though not allot) a living, so I feel productive.
Now I shall away...as the ability to write anything interesting is pretty much null and void at this point. *lets out a soft chuckle* I shall refill my Nightmare Before Christmas Thermos with that warm coffee goodness and try to relax for a few hours while making sure Dad takes his meds.
And on that note, I bid thee anon...
No comments:
Post a Comment