Words, seemingly endless, dance and sway deep within the hidden dwellings behind my eyes. The body aches, exhaustion wracking the delicate nerve endings throughout the expanse of flesh and bone. I'm at odds with the universe, the fates deemed a tireless nuisance; a perpetual blade being dug into my back. No strength left to try to reach behind me so I can grasp the handle as the blade digs deeper into the flesh. Beyond my limits, I'm forced to merely bare this constant reminder that the Fates have a fucked up sense of humor and I am nothing more than a pawn for their amusement.
It's been hard for me to get myself to sit and allow my fingers to dance along these keys. To unleash the tangled emotions, the chaotic thoughts that have become violent storms behind these tired eyes. I've wanted to release them, send them out into the universe and no longer feel the weight of their burden crushing down on me. But the weakness within the tired flesh, fighting my fleeting resolve to get from one moment to the next... A part of me has become so very still... That if you were to blink, I would cease to exist.
A leaf at the mercy of a wind, a single drop of rain devoured by a ravenous sea... I'm consumed in this swirling fog of fear and confusion. Every breath I take reminding me of the bone crushing weight bearing down against my ribcage. I struggle every moment to stay afloat, to fight the darkness that's risen from the depths and is slowly swallowing the soft glow of hope trying in desperation to keep me steady. Its gentle light almost pleading as this mass of living shadow pulses as it begins to consume everything around me. Leaving me trapped within a knowing silence...where there is no escape.
These words have become stained by my struggle, an unpleasant reminder that even the most optimistic soul can be worn down by the poison that lives just beneath. I fight until the white of my knuckles begin to peek through the torn and bloodied flesh as I hit against this invisible wall placed in my way. I tell myself religiously to keep going. Giving up is not an option. There is only one word screaming within the catacombs of my mind. Survive. But it feels as though that's all I've ever done. I've never felt truly at peace... As though I'm forever cursed to search for a place to call home; a listless nomad cast out along a path that snakes out into an eternity. Traveling a leviathan of the unknown, seeking out a place in this existence that may become my salvation...
But the weight is beginning to take its toll. The bottoms of my feet have been reduced to nothing more then bits of flesh clinging to festering wounds, leaving a trail of bloodied footprints in my wake. A reminder that this journey has been nothing more than an ongoing to battle; forcing me to remember that there is no such thing as peace when you're fighting to survive in a universe that's trying to destroy you.
I'm not in the best spirits as my fingers struggle to dance along these black keys. An attempt to convey the chaos surging behind my weary eyes... Sleepless nights filled with a monstrous anxiety that if I pause for just a moment, the foundation of my world, the structure having become weak from all this insurmountable pressure...will crumble and I'll be left with nothing more than shadows and dust.
*takes a drink from her nightmare before christmas thermos*
I try to remain a little ball of light; a positive beacon to show others that there is always a silver lining... But even for me, that thin line is beginning to fade...and there is nothing but the black to accompany me on this painful journey into the unknown.
I want to reach out, to find comfort in the warmth of others... But even then, I feel I've become a burden. I've grown tired of hearing myself spill useless buckets of salt over that which I cannot change. This is not my battle. I can only do so much before I myself am found spinning down into an abyss. And it's never a good thing...when I feel that may be my only way out.
I'm beginning to find comfort within the dark... Where the rampant white noise of a harsh existence is wiped clean, leaving me surrounded within the sound of silence. A place I can begin to lick my wounds and allow myself to heal... But it comes with a price. To seek out that stillness, one must have to withdraw from the world itself. To find solace within the dancing shadows of a cool summer's night. A place where the chaos can't find me...
A place I can feel whole again.
*sighs and takes another drink of her strong coffee*
Poetic prose attached to broken thoughts...my only means of safe release when all the anger craves is to cut lines of angry red in this weakened flesh. Even as I type this, it is a struggle. My hands shake, my arms trembling with the effort as my muscles strain in agony from being over-used just days before. My immune system is a tireless locomotive; attacking this sickness in my lungs as well as an aggravated tooth within my upper jaws, making me feel as though I've been punched several times under my left eye.
I feel so incredibly drained; a helpless marionette whose strings have been tangled into knots by an unforgiving fate.
There so much to do and little time to achieve it. But I know myself. No matter how beaten down or broken, I will get it down. No other choice in the matter. I find myself drowning in worry, hoping that I can make things better even if I have no idea of how exactly that will be achieved. And when I'm this lost...there's only one strength that I can rely on when trapped in this useless meat suit. My Instinct.
The tireless force buried so deep within that never fails to push me forward. When my mind is overwhelmed and I feel that I will indeed break from all the pressure... The Animal surges forth, throwing me to the side and will stop at nothing to make damned sure that I survive. Because I fall, it falls with me... And that is not an option.
*sighs and shakes her head*
I feel as though these words I type make no sense; an onslaught of rambling that can be perceived as madman's crazed chatter spewed uselessly into the dark.
I know I'm not alone. I know there are wonderful souls surrounding me and my father, making sure that we don't struggle through this blind. I am simply worn down by my emotions. Even my body has its work cut out for it as an illness tries to consume my lungs. But it's slowly passing as I engulf endless amounts of vitamins and Mucinex to help myself heal. I know that in my inability to sleep, I've done this to myself. But I don't have time for this... The world has no time for the weak.
Like I've said before...I'll drag myself, broken and bleeding if I have to.
*takes a moment to stretch her tired limbs and sucks in a steadying breath*
Just gotta get through this... Being sick tends to bring out the sour part of me. But this too shall pass. And frankly, the faster the better, because I have to get my Crown on Monday and get on a 4 hour flight on Tuesday to Illinois. Maybe two weeks in the mid-west will help me heal.
But even being there, so far away from my weak Father will be weighing heavily on my heart. I will talk to him everyday, making sure his spirits are up and letting him know that he's not alone. And I am beyond grateful to those willing to come out and check on him while I'm unable to.
I know I've made myself sick with worry...quite literally, so now I have to actively calm myself down so I myself don't end up in the hospital.
I just need to take better care of myself, find my inner peace so I can take better care of my Dad. I'm just...struggling with all of this.
And on that note, I'm going to take my own advice by finishing this blog, posting it and take a little time to relax before I start working on what needs to be done around the house today.
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