Stressed but Not Defeated

Waking up in a nightmare I can't escape, these fours feel more like a prison then a home as I struggle down my first few mouthfuls of coffee.

I fight myself in this early morning hour to not slip into that dark mindset. To keep my eyes focused on a better day and the flickering light of hope that appears like a lost firefly fluttering aimlessly into the black.

*growls and drinks her coffee*

I am Not a morning person. Especially when my Monthly Self Destruct Sequence decided to hit me Full Force while going to my Dental appointment yesterday to prepare a molar (What they deemed tooth #14 on the upper, left hand side of my jaw). And like every month when this blasted curse racks my body with a vengeance, the nerves in my jaws become hypersensitive... So when they merely sprayed cold water along the gums, I started shaking due to the sharp sting of pain that rang through my skull. You know the kind; bite or drink something cold and just that one nerve decides to play Russian roulette with your senses and causes her eyes to sting and your spine to stiffen. And that was After they'd put the topical numbing agent on. It didn't help that my Uterus was sending out shock waves into my system, tendrils of agony sweeping outward from my abdomen, that felt like thousands of knives throughout my trembling form. But it got done... The tooth was finally prepped with a temporary crown that will remain until July 29th; the day before I have to go to the airport.

I'm officially exhausted on several different levels. I'm honestly Forcing myself to just hunker down and keep going because I can't afford to back down. The period Is NOT helping. It's painful and emotional and makes it so much harder to keep a level head when the hormones are trying with everything they can to make me crumble into a blubbering mess.

The weight of everything hit me the night before my dental appointment and the tears unleashed with a vengeance. Leaving me helpless as I spilled useless buckets of salt with only my choked sobs for comfort. That was around midnight. Trembling, I gathered myself and went outside, disgusted with my lack of control and hoped that the calm presence of the night would ease my inner chaos.

I decided to call my Dad. It was a minute shy of 12:35am but I needed to hear his voice, my brain spiraling into a panic that I couldn't handle on my own. Thankfully, he answered. He was already awake, so I hadn't woken him. I didn't mean to call him in that state, but I needed to know he was okay. If anything, he was feeling better and that seemed to calm something twisted up in my stomach.

Man...hormones are a serious bitch.

Gotta love nature's design... I generally would be more stable emotionally, no matter what I was feeling... Up until that bullshit female thing happens and forces me to let out pent up tears I'd otherwise find no use for. It's stupid...and irritating. Especially when I had to be up butt ass early the next day. I had maybe a total of 2 hours of sleep before that dental appointment, which obviously didn't help.

Ya see, I had to be Altadena in order to go to that particular doc, so I had to be away from home. Being that far away, knowing how my Dad was feeling, really twisted me up inside. So I full on panicked.

But talking to Dad helped. He did seem better and he's determined to get better too. I know it's a process of 'one day at a time' but emotions are irrational bastards, and they don't give two shits about logic.

I have many wonderful souls helping me right now... If it wasn't for them, things wouldn't be looking up. So I am beyond grateful.

I'm just exhausted...and I also have a full day ahead of me. I have to leave the house Before 6:30am, to make sure Ellie's warmed up and drive a ways to my job, getting there by 7:30am. Where I'll be until 7pm. Nothin' wrong with a long day, I need the work... I'm just drained on so many levels. I gotta get through today, get home, make sure Dad's doin' alright and go straight to bed for another early morning to follow. And mind you, I've got two weeks to get this place cleaned up before I go to Illinois and I'm working all week. *lets out a soft sigh* I don't know how I'm going to do it, but it's going to get done.

I'll be alright, I promise. Just strung out while trying to adjust to everything all at once.

Even though I'm not feelin' my best, today is going to be a good day. I know it.

And on that note, gotta get ready for work.

-Adieu