In these quiet moments, the mind dances softly within a realm of twisting thoughts and fluttering memories. They speak softly, discreetly, whispers of forgotten yesterdays trailing off into an eternity. I sit back and feel this invisible dance so deep inside the winding passage ways hidden behind my eyes. I can feel them struggling to find a foothold, grasping desperately for a solution against the growing chaos that plagues them.
An energy sweeps through me, the gentle warning of an eternal storm readying itself for an attack. A roaring beast of tangled emotions... Powerful jaws unhinging, lips curling back as it bares terrible rows of dagger like teeth in a show of unimaginable rage.
I should be frightened by this monstrous creature dwelling within the darkness of my mind... But strangely, it comforts me. Knowing there is such a terrible force watching from the depths... A guardian created by the ID.
The anger that curls away from its massive form like hissing trails of smoke, is not directed toward me. It's preparing itself for war against something lying just on the outskirts of my internal sanctuary. A thing made of nightmares and pain... A demon known as depression.
The beast stands guard at the gates so deep inside, claws and teeth ready for the day a break is made in the wall and that demon tries to wiggle its way in...
* * * *
*yawns and takes a hefty drink of her first cup of coffee* Yay for random magical prose O'Doom while half asleep. *smirks*
Man, I have been havin' some seriously Strange dreams these past few days. And even stranger still, I've been haunted by orbs of liquid blue/silver. And there isn't allot of speaking between us when we interact, not that there ever really is. (Hey now, mind outta the gutter :P) Well... Okay, you wouldn't be wrong about one interaction we had the other night in a weird dream but I'm definitely not about to share that here :P (It's about two pages long now and yes, I will finish it and when I do, I will share the link appropriately)
The theme in my dreamscapes recently have all been in the dead of night, in semi-familiar places and each time, I was just wandering around, aimless in my movements. I wasn't terrified or incredibly happy... I simply just, existed. Which has pretty much been my mindset for a few weeks now. A leaf at the mercy of the wind, being thrown, spinning, off into the unknown.
Not gunna lie to you... I'm just...here. I've had so much thrown at me emotionally that I think I've gone into 'robot' mode. Where the emotions tearing through me have been very quickly snuffed out. A part of me is shutting down so I can keep moving forward. An old defense mechanism that actually helps get me from point A to point B without having a nervous breakdown. It's definitely helpful, especially since I know that if I did let it get to me, I'd snap and possibly turn myself into a vegetable.
Among the chaos of emotions welling inside me, anger is defiantly at the forefront. It pushes the other, more dangerous emotions back, and keeps me level. A living fire coursing through my veins that's burning away the pain and depression from poisoning me. And to be honest, I've fought that poison for most of my adolescence and into my early years as an adult. I didn't want it then, and I sure as hell don't want it now. I don't have room for it. Period.
I remember how all these drugs were being thrown my way, which in my case, weren't truly addressing the root of the problem but masking it chemically. If anything, it made things worse...and decided that I was going to buck it up, and struggle through it myself naturally. And somehow, I made it. I eventually balanced out on my own. Sure, I can sometimes feel that poison starting to weasel its way in... But I know how to stop it before it gets its claws hooked into me.
I'm thankful that I can do that now, mentally bitch-slap it into submission. I find ways to think around it, focusing on productive things that I know will be positive in the long run, and that tends to help. When things are rough, like they are right now, and I feel as though I might suffocate beneath all of this pressure... I force myself to be still, and focus on the things that need to be done. There's no room for self-defeat. It doesn't help or fix anything, no matter how broken I actually am inside. The only way to go, is up. And I will drag myself out of this, weak and bleeding if I have to.
Wow...talk about rambling goodness at its finest... *chuckles and shakes her head*
I very obviously have allot on my mind and right now, the energy is bristling anxiously for the moment I go down to the ER with Dad and my dear friend Big Cat (who is coming along for support. I can never convey how truly thankful I am that she'll be there) and get a Doc to look at him. I'm honestly Not afraid of what they might say, because I know instinctively, that this is all treatable. I just want him in there and finally getting better. My Dad has this amazing constitution and rarely ever gets sick. Once his body gets the help it needs, I know he'll bounce back quickly.
It's the waiting that has me on edge. I have this weirdness about me that internally, I tend to plan things out... And once I know how long Dad will be recovering, I can start to get to work on the things that need to be done. (Can you tell I'm anxious?)
*takes a deep breath and takes a hefty drink of her second cup of coffee*
I know I may have been repeating myself, saying the same phrases like a mantra, but it helps... Seeing myself write it out, reading it back to myself, it becomes more solid and gives me some small encouragement.
If I seem strong, or that I'm trying to come off that way... I'm really not. I feel completely and utterly beaten down and apart of me feels completely useless as a Daughter, Friend and Human Being. I'm not fishing for sympathy, nor am I looking for approval or admiration or anything of the sort. I'm just trying to do this right. I'm forcing myself to face all of this shit with my shoulders back and my chin up. My instinct is to get angry and fight back. Because it's not about me. This is about Family. And family Always comes first.
*lets out a growling sigh* Well, time to calm my anxious self down and start gettin' ready for noon. I will update when I know what's going on and have a chance to do so. I know I said I'd update the other night after work, but I just wasn't up to it. I apologize for that. So tonight, no matter how tired or crappy I'm feeling, you're getting an update. I owe you that much for taking time out of your day to read my blogs. *gives a small, weary smile*
Love you...take care...~<};-)>
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