Wandering the Ghost Lanes

I'm at odds with it all. The universe no longer a gateway toward freedom but a black hole that's set its soulless gaze on my life. I want to run until my feet are bloody and my legs refuse to function. I feel as though I've been stretched so thin that at any moment I'll break and be carried off by the wind.

I'm in a constant battle with myself, conflicted by this growing resentment I feel that my Father did this to himself and I'm made to suffer for it. There's a darkness within that's new and not my own. A calm and callous voice that says in a low tone, "Not your problem. He's an adult, he's done this to himself. Save yourself the trouble and get out. He'll just slow you down. Gotta think of yourself. Gotta get out before this eats you alive."

Apart of me sees the logic in this new voice I've never heard before. This cold energy that's been growing inside me over the past few weeks. It's frightening...because it's honest.

I am doing the best I can with what little I have; financially, emotionally, etc. I'm beaten down but too defiant to let the poison set in. I can feel it just behind my eyes pacing back and forth through my thoughts, anxious and on edge.

I've become something other than myself and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I suppose that's just how it works. In order to survive a difficult time, you have to adapt.Which means change. Not always welcome, but necessary.

Honestly, I just don't know how to Feel anymore. Every other day I've gotten bitch-slapped with a new and very frustrating obstacle that has been seriously damaging my calm. I don't know if I believe in hope anymore. Sure it's a positive way to keep yourself from sinking into the pit when you're drowning... But it starts to get to a point where hope seems like utter horseshit. I've taught myself at a very early age to be positive because that's all I had. Now? It's just not worth it. There's really no point.

Shit happens, it's usually painful and you can either be weak or you can survive. 

I imagine this isn't the kind of blog you'd expect from me. Everyone has their moments, I've just happened to suffer this emotionless state for awhile now and I want to be honest about it.

I guess this is a type of vent, an opening into a secret room I keep blanketed in shadows. It's not a happy place. It's harsh and cold and brutally honest. It doesn't coddle or lie to me that everything's going to be alright, because it's not. It hasn't been for a long time and it may never be, which is something I've already come to terms with.

The ups and downs have been so frequent that I've finally succumb to this hollow state that leaves me deathly still. Persistent tests on my sanity, a daily war to keep myself from snapping. A wounded animal trapped inside an ever shrinking cage. It's true that I don't thoroughly enjoy this strange state I'm in, but it's getting me from one moment to the next. Trying to swim against the riptide has only weakened me, it's time I get enough strength back to swim with it and see where it takes me.

With the chaos swirling all around me, I've managed to focus on being a productive member of society and landed a temporary second job at a Halloween store that'll help keep me distracted for the next two months. I don't start until sometime next week, but that's okay. I have a few things that need to be done first. Tomorrow, I work in the morning... Then, I need to start cleaning(I'm talkin' full on tearing this place apart). Apparently the 'New' apartment management will now be conducting weekly and monthly inspections and have even more rules for us.

Honestly, I don't care about this place anymore. It's just a shell, it's not home. So I'll do what needs to be done and focus on the next task at hand.

No I haven't been able to get Dad to a Doctor, no I haven't called for a caretaker gig. There's quite a few things I haven't been able to do because I've been incredibly busy trying to keep things as normal as possible while trying to keep myself from completely snapping. Like I stated earlier, shit has been literally happening every day or every other day causing me to be thrown off the path I'm fighting to stay on.

I don't want sympathy. No I'm not whining. I'm frustrated, angry and trying to suss this shit out. Yes, I know what needs to be done, I know what I have to do. I'm simply overwhelmed. It's been increasingly more difficult to be in this...apartment. It's hard to stay motivated and level headed when you're surrounded by the scent of depression and helplessness. You peer around you and notice the walls are starting to cave in.

*grows a dark smirk and scoffs* I'm obviously at a point where I'm at a standstill. I don't want to sleep due to the fear of the terrors that await...and I don't want to wake to find myself back in this fucking nightmare I cannot escape.

My life, is not my own. I don't think it ever really was. I want to be selfish and take off... But that's not who I am, no matter how tempting that new voice sounds.

I'm fairly sure my mood will shift and I'll have something pleasant for everyone to read. I'm just not myself at the moment... Heh, I should be fucking Ecstatic about Riddick coming out in a few days... Currently? Well... Let's just say that even that can't bring me out of the darkness.

Not to worry, I'll force myself to be pleasant so you don't have to see this side of me again. 

As of right now, I'm hollow. A means to protect the broken pieces of my sanity.

Gotta love the human mind.

-Anon-