I'm at a loss. My Hero is no longer dwelling within this man I call Father. The toxins have taken over his brain and he's drifting on waves of confusion. I miss him with such desperation that my heart is constantly breaking at the thought that only months ago he was still with me. It's devastating when a disease takes hold and you're left helpless to watch as it begins to devour someone you cherish.
*sighs and takes a hefty drink of her coffee*
I imagine that my last blog wasn't completely informative of my intentions. It was a glance of future intentions, not permanent solutions. So apologies if it seemed that way. I was running on very little sleep and my stress levels were beginning to reach their boiling point.
Being here with my Family really and truly has helped. I just needed to adjust myself in such a way that my thoughts and feelings were heard correctly, because I have always had a tendency to bury my personal emotions so as to not worry those I love. Truth be told, things needed to be aired and discussed (mostly on my part because I was so afraid to speak them) only to find that there isn't anything to be fearful of. My emotions, no matter how chaotic, are valid and I've been encouraged to speak them. Definitely an eye opener... *grows a small smile*
Here's the thing; I don't plan on going anywhere. I don't plan on picking up and taking off because the burden is just too great. Heh, fat chance. If that were the case, I would've picked up and left YEARS ago. We've all had to sacrifice our plans, coming together as one unit for the sake of our Father's well being.
No, he's not getting better. Infact, he's getting worse. We all understand this and we're all in this together to make sure he's 'Comfortable'.
I wasn't able to convey this properly due to the sleep deprivation and constant demands of my ill Father. This is honestly starting to feel like Home to me... I don't feel as lost anymore. I was just so scared that I wasn't doing enough...stupid fears eating away at my brain which was destroying my self confidence and self worth.
After the last post, more had transpired. One, I was able to be open with my Family and much of that invisible weight was lifted. But sadly, Dad's restlessness and confusion only worsened. It had gotten so bad that he was calling to me every 20-30 minutes, constantly changing his mind, fighting with me... It scared me to the point that I was starting to snap. I ended up speaking to a mental health expert via the VA about what was happening and she immediately got on the ball about contacting Dad's Doctor and our Social Worker. I even went ahead and left our social worker a message about what had been happening and I didn't hold back the emotion in my voice. They got back to me right away, scheduled an appointment with Dad's doc at 8am on Thursday the 30th. Not a few hours later, I got another call; his Doc had asked to relay a message for me not to wait, to take dad to the VA Loma Linda's ER right away because he was worried about the confusion.
So I did so and found out Dad's ammonia levels were at 84 (normal levels should be at 40-45) and they wanted to admit him for observation and to get him back to normal.
He was gone Wednesday night, Thursday and was released on Friday. I finally got some sleep. But I was also able to ask them if there was any way he could receive a sleep aid, which they had no problem prescribing to him.
So it's Sunday, and I've managed to get a bit more rest than I have in quite awhile with him being home. But another interesting thing, when I went to pick him up... I noticed that the pj's they had him in, were a deep red color (which even I found odd) and the Navy Corpsman that was his nurse, knew how to deal with Dad without me having to explain anything. He even made a loud comment in a very pleasant voice, "You've been doin' just fine on your own but as soon as she gets here, you're helpless." It loosened something in my chest hearing that. They could see how he changes when I'm around.
But here's the thing about those PJ's that I was informed about. Those are specifically for patients who have 'mental issues' and are easier to find if they go wandering off.
*sighs softly and takes another drink of her coffee*
More good has come out of this, because of my reaching out to them for help, they are ready to send out a nurse to evaluate everything that he'll need (as well as a dietitian) and also to provide us with a caregiver to come out 3 days a week, for about 3-4 hours at a time. I am beyond grateful for the help.
What struck me as odd, is that once he came home from the Rehabilitation center, a nurse came out and did her thing and the next thing we know he's got a physical therapist nurse, an occupational nurse, and we even had a social worker come out. I figured they were all connected to the VA. Apparently they weren't, because they were assigned by brookside (the rehab) and not the VA. I was told to close the case with them so we could receive help directly through the VA that know his case personally and can give him the care he actually needs.
So ya...good times. *smirks*
It's a struggle, knowing that he's only going to continue to get worse and the only thing I and my Family can do is just be there for him as best as we can. As much as there is that panicked voice screaming in the back of my thoughts to take off and run, I've pretty much kicked it into a dark cage and dropped into the eternal abyss of my soul.
Sure it hurts, but he's still my Dad. I can't explain it anymore than that. I've just gotta figure out a few other things, Medi-cal and the like because I know for a fact he's going to need 24 hour care and I won't be able to do it alone as the weeks pass. It would be a gorramed miracle if he became more himself again, but I see that everytime he goes through a really confused period, more of him is swallowed by this disease and I feel a piece of me break off and fade away.
*shakes her head and drinks more coffee*
I may not be able to go out anymore (until I can get more help with Dad) but I can have friends visit. And right now, I could definitely use the company. Just be sure to give me a day's warning so I can let the Family know :)
And on that note... I need me some more coffee, a tiny bit of vedge time while Dad rests because I don't really get the chance to sit anymore. I could when he goes to sleep at night, but than I'd never be able to rest.
Yay for a two-edged sword :P
-Adieu
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