Take It As It Comes

A strange hum streams through the body, a deep ache... Twisting and swirling through every crevice until it's caressed every nerve ending like a virus slithering through the veins of a helpless victim. Telling me that horrid cycle is approaching; unwanted and uninvited, it takes over my system and brings an array of inexplicable horrors with it.

Yay for the wonders of the female body. *scoffs and takes a drink of her strong coffee*

Another chilly morning, where the skies are a cooler shade of blue as puffs of clouds drift along its edge; journey unknown.

Even as the hormones fluctuate deep within the chaotic workings of my form, my heart sighs with an unspoken heaviness... A deep worry of what the Doctor will have to say when we go to see him at 8am on the 11th. 

There's also another pain lingering just off in the shadows, remembering that on the 11th will be a year that I damn near blew poor Ellie's engine by flying over the vincent thomas bridge from San Pedro to Long Beach to see Lory in the Hospital...

*Pauses as Pandora Radio begins playing Bon Jovi's 'Wanted; Dead or Alive'*

So many things internally to suss through. So much to think about, so many emotions festering and bubbling from wounds once thought healed.  A true struggle to be level headed and in a state of calm when the seams of my control are beginning to burn and turn to ash. The internal child waking and calling out for reassurance. Desperate to feel safe, strong arms to encase me and in that silence, know that I'm not alone.

*sighs and shakes her head before taking another hefty drink of her coffee*

No matter how much that frightened innocence begs for attention, it'll just have to wait.

Yesterday Dad seemed to be more himself, the angry bouts of confusion fewer and not as bad as they could be.

*chuckles as AC/DC's 'Highway to Hell' begins thundering through the speakers*

Guess someone's making sure my soundtrack is Supernatural themed this morning. *grows a half smile* 

He seemed to be doing better, more like himself and even the energy in the house was lighter because of it. But as I'd anticipated, that only lasted until about 1am when he called for me to come to his room so he could use the bathroom. I was fine with it, even in my zombie like state, but I noticed his mood was starting to sour again. I figured he just needed to get back into bed and he'd be fine. 4am rolls around and I'm woken again because he wanted some water, but then wanted to get up, but then didn't. Even in my half asleep state, I tried to be as cordial as possible and did as he asked. 5:30am he calls me in again and is rambling about getting up and having coffee. I told him it wasn't time yet to get up, that he needed to get some sleep. Same thing at 6:35am, but he was even more out of it. Again at 7am. I was finally up when his voice literally blared through the monitor at 7:35, so I decided to just get up.

He's trying to be himself, despite his confusion. He knows he's having a hard time remembering things and is more aware because I started feeding him fruit along with graham crackers for breakfast. 

I am trying to help ease the toxins from making their way to his brain, or at least stopping his body from creating more ammonia. But even with these moments of more clarity, I sense that the confusion is only going to get worse...and was warned by the people from the hospital that he will get worse. Even though I've got him taking his meds and watch his fluid intake and everything else that's expected, there's only so much I can do. I get that. 

I just hope that seeing the doc will be more good news rather than bad. 'Hope' being the key word here. Both my Big Brother and myself have a feeling it's not going to be news we want. Even Dad made a comment last night while having one of his more lucid moments, that he had a bad feeling about it and it wasn't because of his normal anxiety and dislike of hospitals. He said it with a very calm tone, one that made something tighten in my chest.

*sighs and has a sudden urge to make another pot of coffee*

Trying to stay upbeat considering everything that's happening. Trying to focus on the good while remembering that sometimes no matter how hard you try, things won't go the way you'd hope. You just gotta look at it in such a way that it's not so devastating. Accept it, roll with it and try to make the best of it even though you know there's something real angry growing inside. You push it down, quell the beast just long enough that when the opportunity presents itself, only then can you let it out and release the poison.

So ya...good times?

*chuckles, but the smile doesn't reach her eyes*

Being close to my Monthly Self Destruct Sequence doesn't help either, but eh... Such is life.

-Adieu