Twisting Emotions Settle in the Silence

Cool breeze and warm sunlight, it's turning out to be a beautiful day... I even woke feeling a bit more like myself, despite the situation unfolding in my life.

I spoke to Dad briefly yesterday and though he was incredibly chipper, he was...not all there. I've never heard him like that unless he were half asleep. He wasn't. He was wide awake and talking about being on an Airplane and trying to get the people off of it...and something about a cockpit. For split second though, I did Hear my Dad again. I mentioned that my Big Brother had fixed the throttle on Ellie enough that it doesn't stick like it used to and he replied, "Outstanding!" And I swear it was Dad... So I continued about the headlights, thinking I'd snapped him out of it for a moment... But his response told me otherwise. 

I had the briefest glimpse of my Dad in that entire conversation... Telling me that he's barely there.

The nurse sitting with him was a complete sweetheart and I could hear the sadness in her tone toward me. The empathy was very apparent and I knew she felt for me. Good thing was that he's been nothing but happy and sweet to everyone... Just...not really all there anymore.

With each week that passes, I lose more and more of my Father. It's only a matter of time at this point. I know how dark this may seem, but I'm being realistic. I'm not saying it's going to happen at any moment... But I'm preparing myself for when it does. My instincts are whispering a time frame, which I really don't want to repeat at the moment. Let's just say the end of Spring is going to be bittersweet if things don't improve. Trust me, I'm all kinds of twisted up inside but losing my shit right now will not change anything. I need to keep my head straight through all of this and only after he's gone and I feel safe... I'll break. Until then, things need to be done and I gotta take it a day at a time, like I've always done.

With the severity of his mental state, I don't think he'll just be sent home like all the other times before. He has someone with him 24/7 right now, so I'm sure the Docs know it wouldn't be safe to just send him home for me to pick up their slack. It was hard enough Before, it would be damn near impossible now. Well, I could do it, but I'd lose my mind in a few days.

*sighs and takes a hefty drink of her coffee*

I think what would be best, is to finish my coffee and run a few errands. I always feel a bit better after I've gotten out of the house for a bit. Because I have no idea what tomorrow is going to be like.

-Anon-