It's a struggle even now as my fingers tremble along these black keys, forcing myself to type these thoughts out for all to see. A way to explain, for you to understand what's happening to me. I'm trying to make sense of everything. Trying to remain positive when I feel as though I've been swallowed by a ravenous darkness from which there is no escape.
-sighs and takes a drink of her second cup of coffee-
It's my second day off and tomorrow I have an early start. What's usually a short day (11am-5pm) will be thrown off by a 7am Meeting I have to attend, along with the rest of the store. At least I'll be able to get my check early and cash it before I have to go back in. So that's definitely a plus. It probably won't be much, but it's something. Enough to pay bills, buy two essential things for my furbabies and put gas in my Ellie.
As you may have noticed, I haven't been on Facedesk as much as I used to, if at all. I've just...I can't really explain it, but I've become more or less withdrawn. Well, more than before. I go to work, come home and repeat. That's all I do. At least it's productive.
There's been an odd thought process, a type of self reflection I guess you could say. I'm at a loss as to who I am anymore. I'm an odd mix of overwhelmed by tragedy and cold emptiness. Somewhere within the chaos I'm standing so very still, waiting in the wings. It's quiet there...safe. Lonely, but somehow comforting.
My energy level has plummeted. It's not so much dragging, but it's more like a low thrum of energy. You have to close your eyes and focus and you'll hear it. It exists, just barely.
I've wanted to write, wanted to let myself be open...but there was always a wordless voice in the back of my head saying, 'What's the point?' and I'd back away and leave my computer off. I usually write in my leather bound journal. At least it's something. I didn't intentionally isolate myself from everyone. It just happened. I've always debated with myself, wondering how it is that I've reached this point. I instinctively know the answer (as I'm sure you all do as well). I just don't feel very enthusiastic anymore. I try to, as though the lingering echoes of who I am makes me appear as though I'm still here; bright and shiny. But it's a lie. A mask.
I suppose it's merely a stage of grief... We all change, you know?
I don't know if any of this is even making sense or if it's worth posting. I'm here. Just quiet. I think there's a part of me that believes I need to be alone and detached from everyone. That I need to earn my way back. Since I've failed so much...I need to redeem myself. Which means keeping everyone at a distance. I'm already living in the middle of nowhere, so far from everyone I care about. It's too much time and money to come out and see me and there's no way I can go and see anyone because Ellie's not feeling well, I don't have the money for it, it's been far too warm and my two days off are Wednesday and Thursday. So it's pointless to think about going anywhere or seeing anyone. Instead of being sad and depressed about it, I've pulled away and began living in my head. It's safer here...temporary at best.
Today I'm rather torn... Had a dream of Dad, it was brief but it jolted me awake; choking on the sob trapped in the back of my throat. Not something I needed...and to add insult to injury, when I finally woke up today and checked my phone for the time, I noticed I not only had a missed call, but a message as well. So I listened...and it was Mission Health Care (the nurses who had been here to help Dad) and they wanted to know how Dad was doing...
My chest tightened and I felt my intestines twist into painful knots.
So if I don't seem like myself, well...you're not wrong. I'm not myself. Haven't been for awhile (hence my silence). Maybe this is who I'm supposed to be. Maybe not.
Gotta love internal transition.
-Anon-
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