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With a heavy heart, I force myself to type these words. With everything in my life, a mundane and productive thing. The same day in and day out. Becoming apart of the collective of blue collared society. Making a means as I focus on the future...

Alas, I am silvered tongue in that statement. For in truth, I don't see a future anymore. All I see is the thick fog swirling around me. Trapped in moments of yesterday, pockets of heart breaking memories that tear me apart piece, by dying piece. The case of my transition through this time of mourning has been silent. I haven't dealt with the emotions that have been forced through my veins.

In all this time, the realization of my world and everything in it being flipped upside down, has crippled me substantially. I've put on the brave face, forced myself to believe in it as I told myself like a Mantra that I Had to Keep Going. I didn't have time to stop and let myself cry. I didn't have the luxury to bury myself in the waves of grief that threatened to wash over me. I have bills to pay, feline children to take care of and my ghostly steed to keep running. All the cards were set. Placed precariously close to the edge of an unknown abyss.

A terrible gush of wind has risen and has thrown my fragile little world into darkness. Money is fleeting, no matter how hard I work, I barely make ends meet. But I saw it in a positive light. I don't live far from work, so it's not much strain on Ellie. It won't burn much gas.

Unbenounced to me, Ellie was sick. August 25th after leaving work and pulling right into the walgreens parking lot, her front right wheel made a horrific THUNK and when I parked, I realized it had gone sideways. I managed to get her home, parked, snapped a picture and immediately informed my brother who is currently in florida.

After Grandpa Mike (Glenn's father in law) looked her over, we've learned that the people Dad had paid to make sure this didn't happen, had in fact, done Nothing and ripped him off. It wasn't our normal mechanic either. It was a different shop that supposedly specialized in that kind of work. They lied. And all this time...especially driving on the freeway...I could've been killed.

But Ellie somehow kept going and only did this when I was less than a 2 minute drive from the house.

I wasn't too upset. Knowing that it's only a 1.3 mile trek to work, about 30 minutes on foot. She will be fixed, I just need to come up with the money to pay for parts and a tow to my brother's shop in desert hot springs. She will need a new alignment afterward, and two new tires. I know I won't have a car for awhile, possibly not until late October. I only get paid so much every two weeks and I spend most of it on car insurance and my phone bill. 

So I kept a level head and began walking to and from work. Thanks to working Faire, the walk is a breeze. Walking in high temperatures and direct sunlight has been slightly...uncomfortable, but I've managed to just get through it. 

On the bright side, I've shrank even more since I started walking and I'm stronger. I think I've lost nearly an inch all over. So there's the positive in that.

You also may have noticed the change in hair color. I didn't want to originally, but when I started working for PetCo, I was informed that I was allowed only natural colors. I had been debating on a darker color...so I went ahead and changed it. Didn't mean for it to come out nearly black, but it seems to fit me very well, in many aspects.

Also, I had a bit of a breakdown last night when I was lying in bed. So much nervous energy was tearing through me and the next thing I knew, I was growling and clawing my sheets as I struggled to catch my breath. It was maybe six minutes total...but when the sobs finally subsided, I found myself completely exhausted and could only curl up against my pillows as my eyes remained shut. I couldn't remain angry and depressed. I had literally exhausted myself into silence.

I actually slept. Hard. I didn't want to get up...but once 10am rolled around I knew I had to get coffee in me. It is my day off after all. 

-sighs softly and takes a drink of her coffee-

I can see how mechanical and detached I sound. Honestly, I haven't really been myself. And the moments, though brief, when I have been... I felt weakened from emotion and shut off again. The only way I'm going to get through all of this internal head trauma is to simply allow it to run its course. If I feel the need to share, as I'm doing now, so be it.

At least there's that part of me that still remains.

At this very moment, I'm listening to 'Say Something, I'm Giving Up On You'. When this song first came out, I couldn't bear it. It reminded me of how badly I kept fighting to get Dad to listen to me. How fucking hard I fought to save him... Only to learn that no amount of bravado was going to stop Death from taking him to the other plane. 

Now as I hear the lyrics, the song playing on repeat through the speakers... It has a different meaning. I want so desperately to know he's still, somehow, in existence. 

...Tears are flowing down my face as I type these words...

I question the reason why I'm even here. I wonder why I have this horrible pain inside and when will it ever stop. I fight the desperate need to be held, the only true thing that's healed me so many times before when my words won't work I just need to Feel...safe.

I wonder what's becoming of me as I push my beautiful feline boys away when they try to comfort me...

-pauses as another wave of spine-curling grief rips through her and has to calm down enough to keep typing with trembling fingers-

I struggle with being positive these days. It seems that the moments I find myself happy, I'm suddenly slammed backwards. 

Honestly, I used to think there was only so much I could take before I was sent over the edge. I think I've realized a terrible truth about me.

I have no limit. I just keep taking it. I feel like an indestructible machine created to power through each level of hell without stopping. 

No matter how many horrors it encounters, it's designed to go the designated course and return more or less intact. Though there is no visible damage, something within its mechanics has been changed. It's been altered in some way. It's not obvious at first...not until it's running for a short while and you can almost Feel the difference in the way its engine growls. A little harsher, a little deeper. 

As though something came back with it...

I feel altered and deeply scarred. That's how this works. The whole loss and grieving thing. I may come off callous, but it's really not that. I've been overwhelmed with emotion and now I'm numb from it.

Though I'm trying to suss this out, trying to keep a gentle spirit about things... There's something terribly awful living inside me. Hidden within the gaping void that was left by Dad's death. Even though I knew it was coming, I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to not have him in my life. I'm so broken and lost without him. 

-growls and chokes back the sob as tears start blurring her vision as they dash down her heated flesh-

It's hard to explain why this is so devastating to someone who doesn't know. We had a Twin connection. He wasn't just my hero, he was my best friend and I fucking hate myself for crying like this as I'm trying to type. Makes seeing the keyboard incredibly hard through a blur of unwanted emotion.

-pauses to gather her bearings-

And on that note, I need to use the bathroom and then wash my face. Know that I'm not purposefully being dark and broody. I'm trying to find my way back. I love you and thank you all for your patience and understanding.

-Anon-