Strong coffee trails a path of heat from my mouth toward my stomach, a pooling warmth that hugs me from the inside as I fight away the last tendrils of sleep from my tired form.
Too many thoughts behind these sleepy eyes and not enough energy to make sense of them all. They drift along the edge of my consciousness, little dancing lights blinking off and on, becoming like playful fireflies floating within the black.
A strange mood has taken hold, one that had fought to linger before I slipped into my nightly dreamscape. One would think it would have dissipated as the mind traveled the other worlds, yet somehow it remained; waiting patiently for my return. Even now as I proceed with hefty gulps of hot coffee, firing up my internal engines like an old car, I find it rather difficult to dismiss the oddness swirling around me.
Definitely not one of the most pleasant emotions I could experience at four o'clock in the morning.
*takes another deep drink from her Nightmare Before Xmas thermos*
On an interesting note, one that many of you probably find surprising. Well, for those of you who actively partake in reading my blogs (to which I am grateful), as I mentioned previously that I have switched over from being an avid smoker to vaping. Here's the interesting part. Two days ago, I had attempted a single cigarette after not smoking for a week, and only depending on my vape. Reason being, I was on my way with a friend to go buy more vape juice and wondered how my old cigarettes would taste. I had a brand new unopened pack in my bag, and decided to open it.
I've never been so appalled by a cigarette in my entire existence. It was absolutely vile and my stomach turned. I barely had half before trashing it. I gave the entire pack away without a second thought. It's odd to me how quickly my body switched over and how my sense of smell has seriously amplified, no longer hidden behind a veil of smoke. I already had a very sensitive nose, but now I can smell nearly ten times more. Like Cas from Supernatural talking about when he was human and how much he loved Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. When he tried to take bite after becoming an Angel again, he could taste the particles of the ingredients and it was too much. I can now relate to that (to a degree) when it comes to scents. It's like taking a deep breath for the first time and being overwhelmed with information. I knew this was likely to happen once I gave up smoking, I just had no idea how acute my olfactory glands were.
*chuckles softly, drains her thermos and shuffles in a zombuh like fashion toward the kitchen to get more*
Whatever odd emotion this is that's clung to me since before I fell asleep, I hope it fades as sunlight starts to bleed across a blue/black horizon. It's an unsettling feeling, one that lingers at the back of your mind, causing negative emotions to stir and awaken. Making me pause in my positive outlook and allow doubt to fester into being.
I'll address it, as I'm doing now, but I'll give it no more than that. I understand its presence, as certain events have brought it to the surface. Nothing catastrophic, merely minor things that have already been remedied. I s'pose it was just enough to summon this uncomfortable energy, considering my mind has this knack for dwelling when it shouldn't and causes an inner, downward spiral deep within labyrinth of bad memories.
I'm going to stop it before it gets out of hand and force myself to focus on what's in front me. My mind can be a nasty place if given too much rope to run with. Not only will it become untangled, it'll take me with it. Not something I actively want to deal with.
On a lighter now, I'm up at this ungodly hour so I can wake up properly before heading to work before 7am. Ive always needed at least an hour to myself if I'm going somewhere. Hence why I get up at 4am so I can actually wake up and get ready with time to spare. It helps quell my anxiety, a trait I inherited from my Dad. I hate being late, it triggers it. Rushing does as well. So I'd much rather get up two to three hours early to keep that panic rat from escaping its cage. It's the only way I can safely control that chaotic energy without outside help. Which means I find myself crashing earlier (trying to anyway, I haven't slept very well in quite awhile). A small price to pay but honestly worth it. I'd rather learn how to manage my 'quirks' than depend on a medication that would zombuh-fy me. That's my personal preference, it doesn't work for everyone.
Now the energy has become an anxiousness. Very strange. It's not trying to dig a hole into the locked away chapters of my thoughts like it once was. Hmm, weird. You know what? I'd much rather experience this (not like anxiety, it's more like a feeling I sometimes get when something important happens. Yeah, I'm weird) than become depressed. The lesser of two evils.
Damn, I've babbled quite enough this morning. Now I ingest my magical coffee goodness and prepare myself for work; a job that feels like a second home.
On that note, I hope everyone has a good day. ^_^
-Adieu
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