Familiar places, morphed into something new yet old at the same time. A skewed perception of an apartment I grew up in, familiar yet not the same. A somewhere that felt like home so I would feel more at ease. Funny how dreams never quite make sense when you try to recall them, as though the layers in which they are formed would seem almost like a Salvador Dali painting come to life. Seemingly normal at the time they took place, for in that altered state we are all on an internal journey of our own subconscious, where even the most bizarre of things are rarely questioned. Only when we're brought back into our waking selves; a small rebirth into the harshness of our realities do we try to rationalize what we've experienced. Which can sometimes be overwhelmingly confusing.
I've always been able to work out the meanings presented within that strange labrynth I traveled before I woke. Sometimes it's obvious and I'm aware of the message before my eyes open and I take a deep breath. Yet there are times when there are too many symbols, too many images and moments that may take an entire day Or even two, to decipher.
Then there are the dreams that sneak toward the forefront of my mind when something in the waking world happens; almost like déjà vu. The message having literally come to life. Those are usually known as 'Prophetic Dreams', experiencing something through the subconscious only to have it actually happen when you're awake. Sometimes subtle or so very minute you don't think twice about it...when sometimes it's like a sensory memory and you feel as though you're suddenly dreaming.
I tend to have those dreams often, mostly the subtle variety. A song will play randomly like background music (especially odd when I sleep without listening to music) and I'll hear it within a few hours after waking.
I have this odd ability of knowing how certain people are feeling if I dream about them. If it's very realistic and they're in a good mood, excited to be talking to me again, when I wake I'll know I'll be hearing from them soon, and it always happens. If they're weird towards me, or even angry, when I'm awake...well, the same thing. I don't know why I can do this, it's been happening since I was very small. It actually comes in handy quite often when I haven't heard from someone in awhile. Weird yet kinda cool.
*pauses to take a hefty drink of her magical coffee of doom*
Damn, I love mornings like this. It's not sprinkling like it was when I first started this entry, now it's actually coming down in a steady rhythm of cold, wet sheets. I can only imagine what the freeways and major streets are going to be like here in Southern California. People out here are slightly inept when it comes to driving in rain. That's putting it very nicely... *chuckles* And as I was typing that out, I could hear the very distinct, high pitched sound of sirens off in the distance. Nothing like stupid people, bald tires and bad driving on slick pavement.
On that note, I need to put my laundry into the dryer and wake up. Well, on days like this all I want to is curl up in bed and listen to that beautiful sound of rain pattering against the roof of the house.
*scampers off do so but decides to write a bit more*
Last month was harder emotionally than I had expected it would be. I tried to be a part of the Christmas spirit, but I felt...jaded. I was starting to shut down inside as old emotions began to surface. Emotions I thought I had already dealt with. Apparently that just wasn't the case. I thought I'd be okay, better in fact due to being in a much healthier and stable environment than the previous year. Maybe that's why those emotions took hold; I feel safer that I have since 2011. Before Dad got sick and my life began to tilt on its axis towards events I was never prepared for.
I really tried to be 'jolly' and there were a few moments I felt festive. But that sinking feeling in my chest only worsened and I found myself growing cold inside. Knowing that December 20th was Dad's 68th birthday...but he wasn't here. Knowing that this Christmas Eve was my birthday but I wouldn't celebrate it...there would be no party, no cake; over shadowed by the eve of a now very commercialized holiday. I realized why I had gone cold inside. The bitterness was welling up inside me and I had to fight it back so no one would see it just behind my eyes. So I tried something different; I chopped my hair off and got two new cartilage piercings on my Dad's birthday. I'm actually glad I did. I really don't miss my long hair because it wasn't that long to begin with (not to my standards) and I really wanted to change.
I'm trying to do my best to remain positive, still plan on getting Ellie running right so I can begin driving her again.
I'm still incredibly grateful to every beautiful soul that has selflessly helped me these past few years. Especially last year when I was starting to entertain some very dark thoughts that would've put a permanent stop to any kind of future. They...still pop up from time to time, more than I'd care to admit and I find myself pushing them away by trying to look forward. It doesn't help that my skin condition decided to flare up around my birthday and is still healing. Being in that kind of pain, brought on by internalized stress, heart ache and old emotions... It tends to wear you down, even if things are finally appearing to slowly get better again.
I'm focusing on small things that bring me joy or a sense of purpose. Little things that I know make a profound difference at the end of the day. I want to be better, so that one day I can have the means to give back. That's honestly all I've ever wanted.
And as the rain pours down all around me, an icy wind whipping along the back of my neck, I shall bid you lovelies anon and try to find something positive to distract myself with.
-Adieu
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