Broken fragments of time whisper along a cool breeze as summer fights against the early essence of fall while an otherworldly orb, bloated with an ethereal light, lifts into a dark blue velvet sky.
I try, time and time again to remove these wayward thoughts from their tangled cage. Just so that they can travel from fingertip to keys; black font filling the white void of this computer screen. But they make no sound as they leave me. Shattered pieces of a soul that finally understands that time does not heal all wounds.
It’s become a struggle to create poetic prose. A thing that in the past was came as natural to me as breathing. Now, a horrible wall with jagged edges stands within my path and there is nothing I can do but try to scale it despite how weak I have become.
The moving sound of Third Eye Blind’s ‘Motorcycle Drive By’ fill my ears, filling me with the warmth of fond memories from my early teens. Staying up far too late with my best friend, away from the overwhelming heat of the desert sun, talking about our hopes and dreams of our futures. The days that held a great deal of heavy emotions and yet such amazement for the world itself. The moments we felt so alive and free. Moments I’d give anything to have again.
My mind has been screaming out for an outlet these past few weeks. Desperation for solace, seeking out a reprieve that will only be achieved by forcing myself out of this shell I have created to protect myself from everything that’s become a living nightmare. What once brought me joy has been twisted onto itself; becoming my very own hell.
I cannot allow this to continue. I must pull myself out of this cramped space; a tomb of flesh and bone and endless fears of the things that have and may come to pass. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m a prisoner within myself and I’m drowning.
Day by day I fight back what haunts me. Horrible memories slamming my head with flashbacks. As crisp and as shocking as if they were just yesterday. Sleep, you’d think, would give me some semblance of peace. Sadly I’ve found more echoes of internal pain thrown before me, forcing me to actively act out in these movie like dreams of the ‘what ifs’ only to awaken hiccupping the sobs from spilling forth into full blown hysterics.
I want to be myself again. I’m itching to emerge back into the ebb and flow of things; submerge myself back into the rhythm of life.
I miss she who was me, the person I used to be. Sadly, she’s only an echo behind these weary eyes. As though my hard drive has been damaged; a fragmented version of my core system. Slowly I find the circuits realigning, feeling the pieces reforming into someone I’m starting to recognize when I glance at my reflection.
As autumn finally draws near, I’m beginning to feel more like me inside this aging skin. Perhaps one day soon, the me I always wanted to be, will look back at me through that mirror. A glimpse of a better tomorrow.
Guess we’ll have to wait and see.
-Adieu
