Peering out through the veil

It's been awhile since I've written a blog... Been awhile since I've been able to collect my thoughts like wayward fireflies and try to make sense of their glowing chaos.

I sit here at 8 minutes til 10am, having been up since 7am, trying to get myself adjusted to being up early and getting my nocturnal self in bed no later than 10pm. I'm trying to readjust, reacclimate myself to every new day in the hopes that somehow it'll take away some of the stress. Gotta get up early so I can be sure Dad takes his meds and seeing as I rarely ever have time to myself anymore, it only makes sense to get up early considering Dad tends to crash before dawn and actually gives me a few uninterrupted hours to myself. It feels good to be left alone, to know that for this short amount of time I can be still.

As many have noticed my life has changed dramatically in the last few months. Right as I was starting to Finally venture away from the nest, the fates threw a curveball at my legs, and forced me to faceplant just a foot from where I began. Stopping me just long enough to see that if I continued on my journey, my father's health would continue to plummet and there would be no way to go back. The universe gave me a choice; I could focus solely on myself or I could pause long enough to use some of that energy to prolong my father's life. I knew it would be a very hard and stressful journey if I chose to take the selfless path... But honestly, it never really was an option. It was an instinctive drive to protect my family, even at the cost of my own well-being. Yes, I was insane with emotion when everything began to bubble to the surface, that thin line racing into view... Do Now, or mourn yet another precious life lost to the beyond. I was given a chance to Do something about it, so I took it... Even if it means adapting to a path that's hellbent on testing my resolve every day.

I'm adjusting to everything, and have taken on a calmer, almost silent demeanor because of it. Nothing is too exciting, I don't experience the rolling peels of laughter or the raging heat of anger. I'm somewhere trapped in the middle, a quiet knowing trying to keep my emotional scales in balance.

Many things are going to change by this year's end. Uprooting from my child hood home and moving closer toward Lomalinda by January. Becoming my Father's live-in caregiver while having a nurse come in three times a week, three hours a visit. Her first appearance will be today around 1pm, which should be interesting.

December 24th I'll be turning 30 years old and I honestly don't know how I should celebrate. I'd like to have a decent sized celebration (prior to the actual day for obvious reasons) considering one, I'll be moving from my home by the sea and two, I'll be 3 decades old.

Suggestions would be appreciated :)

I've gone through allot recently, and I do apologize for my change in personalty. It wasn't an intentional transition, I've merely adapted to circumstances currently out of my control.

It's interesting, I don't really plan to do things anymore. I truly do live my life day to day, my focus on my Father and making sure he's taken care of. While also going to the store Daily, making sure my two feline boys are fed and loved, taking care of our bills, trying to spend as little as possible knowing that our funds are not infinite. My Seasonal job at the Halloween store ending on November 11th while also knowing I can no longer work as a nanny/professional sitter due to my car situation and not getting paid enough to fill up the tank to do said job.

Eleanore is very angry. Something happened with the throttle and she tends to completely shut off while I'm turning from a busy street to the next and I have to veer all two tons to the right (no power steering when this happens) and hope the person behind me values their life. So far, people have been smart and polite enough to merely go around the stalled muscle car attempting to restart. It's such a normal thing for me, I never get upset. Hell, the first time it happened I didn't panic. I've grown up in old cars with tempers, so this isn't new. Ellie's telling me she's hurt, so I understand her little hiccups. Besides, no reason to flip out when all I have to do is restart her and she'll roar back to life. It's the other Cars I don't trust. Thankfully, I drive a Beast so people tend to give me allot of room. If it were a newer, much Lighter car... I'd worry.

Also...about a month ago, I had a small accident. Know the other car is completely fine. Go figure the only other vehicle that could survive a 'kiss' from my tank, would have to be a tank itself. I kissed the left STEELE bumper of a Large 70 something Van... Again, the Van was completely fine... Ellie however... Now has a deep line starting from the passenger side door going all the way to the brake light. It's a nasty looking scar... Heh, now we're even more connected.

I can't tell you how much this hurts me... It hurts me now to finally show all of you what I've done. What I did to my baby to protect the Moron to my left from getting smacked because he couldn't help but sit there, and fucking STARE at me trying to turn. Avoiding hitting that tiny car resulted in me hurting the love of my life.

I'm reminded every time I see her. My heart sinks a little more with each glance... 

I didn't bring it up on Facebook because I didn't want to be that one person who's constantly posting the negative happenings in their life. That's one of the reasons I stopped writing altogether. I was so completely disgusted with myself...the pain in my heart that I was being forced through some incredibly hard challenges without consent... I don't want to be that person.

Loneliness has become a quiet presence in my life... Biding my time for the moment my Dad asks me to do something for him, sitting here for no other reason. It's hard to be joyful when home becomes a prison.

Yes, hard times have poured into my existence but for those rare times I can leave this apartment and have just a few moments of freedom with a friend, means more to me than I can ever put into words.

My only concern now, is getting Dad to the hospital again. He needs to have more fluid removed and I need to find a way to get him down the stairs and driven there. I, cannot do it. I'm hoping the nurse may be able to help in some way. If not, I'll have to call the VA Hospital and ask them about transport.

-lets out a soft sigh and drinks her coffee-

I'm sorry this isn't the most upbeat post I've written, but considering my circumstances, I'm more peppy then depressed, I suppose.

In random news I've lost more weight. I've dropped from 165 last week down to 160 and I've been actively working out again. It helps me feel better. Losing the weight wasn't intentional, running around constantly and helping move Dad when he's trying to stand or lay down, plus carrying 25 to 40 pounds of weight everyday from a block away up three flights of stairs (grocery shopping) has been a workout alone. I figure might as well throw an added workout to help gain more muscle, because I definitely need it incase Dad loses his balance.

I'm struggling...and adjusting. But that's all one can do in this kind of situation. Hope everyone is well and had a good Halloween. It didn't feel like Halloween to me...for various reasons... 

Anyhoo, I'm done rambling. Take care lovelies.

-Anon