Mother Earth Will Swallow You

Weird dreams trickle behind these weary eyes as I struggle to wake up by drinking as much coffee as possible. I'm not looking forward to my day... I have to drive to Highland to make arrangements to get Dad cremated...

That's a helluva shock for my brain, but I'm still thrumming with that strange numbness. As though I'm not going to fall apart because I still have things I need to do. I'm already stressed out enough as it is. I will be very broke afterward and have no idea how I'm going to afford keeping my phone on, let alone put gas in the tank of my car.

Little things, when in a horde like fashion, can feel like a catastrophe of unwanted events that make it hard to breathe let alone think straight.

And I was hoping to have something happier to write about today.

*sighs and shakes her head*

I'm trying to be lighter about things, trying to let myself Feel whatever I'm supposed to Feel...and yet I'm still numb in a sense. It's as though it's bracing me for the ache that's been growing in my chest that's been causing my throat to tighten up and my breath to hitch when I think about just speaking to him not that long ago...

I know I have an overwhelming amount of love and support, and I can never convey how grateful I am to All Of You. But right now, this very moment... I am very much alone and I've gotta just deal with it and get things done. I don't have the luxury of falling apart. 

I hate how much this really does hurt me, how needy it's made me (which explains my silence)... How desperately I don't want to be alone, that I need to be around loved ones, my dearest friends. But I don't want to seem weak and needy. I hate feeling this horrid vulnerability. The inner child wants so badly to be held, needing reassurance through the warmth of another's touch... But what good will that do me? Wailing, 'Poor Me' and feeling sorry for myself won't get shit done. So what if I yearn for physical touch? There are others who have either been, or currently going through what I am and may not have that luxury. If they can get through it, then I sure as hell can.

I can hear my own anger as I type these words. I know I'm convincing myself that I can get by without asking for help. Hard-headed and stubborn is putting it lightly.

Faire was a blessing... I was able to get the physical contact I so desperately craved without seeming like a damned cling-on. Simple hugs in greeting, being close to others without exceeding their patience. It really helped...and kept my mind off how devastated I really am.

Act like everything's fine and you'll start to believe it. Which is semi-true. If you don't address the ugly beast about to rear its head, it will destroy you.

I'm trying to be strong...for my family, for myself. I'm an internal mess but outwardly I'm getting by. I just hate how crazy I feel inside. I know it's natural, I know it's a part of grieving someone very close to you.

I've honestly had enough with Death. I've lost so many bright souls in the last few years...and now my Dad... I'd like to have a word with the Fates...preferably running them over with my car for starters.

*lets out a soft growl of frustration and takes another drink of her coffee*

Alright... I'm sorry for being like this. I'm trying, I really am. It's just so fucking hard... *shakes her head*

I need to get this finished, finish my coffee, shower and leave by 2pm because I have that appointment in Highland at 3pm.

Goddess Bast, I really don't want to do this. *actually starts falling apart* I don't want this weight anymore... I'm so fucking tired, so lost and broken. I just want to scream until I've no voice left. I want this horrible ache to leave me.

...I want my Dad back...

*snarls and wipes the offensive moisture from her face*

Heh, I haven't really had a drink yet. And honestly, I could really use one tonight. But I may not even be able to afford that.

*scoffs darkly*

Such is life...

-E-