Thoughts, emotions...swirling and twisting without rhyme or reason. I want to get away from them, struggling to find my strength when I'm carried off on a riptide of internal chaos, forcing me to wade hopelessly through memories that seem to be pulling me down into a world from which there is no escape.
I'm so very lost.
I try to make sense of the things dancing through me. The moments of being so incredibly numb with feeling. Within the blink of an eye, as though a switch has been blown and the tears sweep down my face in a tsunami of anguish. I choke and growl, wanting so desperately to find my way back through the fog of pain surging through me. I just want to be normal...
*sighs and takes a hefty drink of her coffee from her Nightmare Before Christmas Thermos*
My life has been gutted open, crimson streams of yesterdays bleeding into the earth as the heart fights to find some kind of peace again.
This won't stop any time soon. It'll fester and weep, the brutal truth of living in a world of such a short existence. It can all be gone within an instant. As Dad would say, "Life happens when you're planning something else."
Can't be still. There's nowhere to go but forward, even if I feel as though my feet have been chained to cinder blocks. So very heavy as I drag what's left of myself down that broken path. Yet another crossroad...but this time there is only one way to go.
* * * * *
*scoffs and shakes her head* Gotta love chaotic poeticism when half-asleep.
Change of subject, shall we?
There has been something I've been thinking about lately, a distraction from the agony of my emotional state.
Due to a series of unfortunate events in my life, I was unaware of the shooting that took place recently (gotta love FaceDesk for information streaming like backyard gossip in an old village) and then all the stories that followed. Articles that took hold of my attention and brought old fears and memories to the surface. Topics on Misogyny and Rape Culture. Then the Hashtag of YesAllWomen. This was all a little overwhelming at first (seeing as my mind has been elsewhere) and I let it all sink in. Then I start reading posts; from female friends who decided to share their stories/life experiences.
As I read, I found myself becoming more and more motivated to write down my own experiences.
As a female, you're taught Very Young to be aware of your surroundings and of strangers. Especially Male Strangers. My Father taught me to say no and if that didn't work and I was grabbed, to Bite down as hard as I could, to kick, to scratch and to scream as loudly as possible as I booked it in the other direction. I was fortunate enough to never have to do any of this.
I also noticed that when I was 10, I was heftier than other children my age...but I was also stronger. I also noticed the bullies were actually afraid of me... So I took advantage of my weight as a warning; touch me and I'll sit on you. In kidspeak that was pretty scary *chuckles*
As I started to mature, I was just grasping the concept of being comfortable in my own skin. I was never much for girly attire; skirts, dresses, low cut tops, heels. I was a Jeans, long sleeved shirt, boots, trenchcoat kinda girl. The more covered, the better. I had always been like that. So the one time I decided to step out of my comfort zone at 16 years old... I remember all the compliments I got from a few peers who had seen me out and about. I was wearing a long wrap around skirt over a pair of panty hose, a form fitting tank top, heels, and make up that didn't consist of racoon eyes lol. I was soft and pretty...which at first I was starting to enjoy.
Unfortunately, the first time I try to be more feminine... I learned that saying 'No' to a guy who's much larger and stronger than you... No matter how many times you've explained that you're a Virgin and not ready, that you've had too much to drink and you don't feel comfortable... I said No in so many different ways, Verbally, and Physically...
Psychologically I told myself that I was a victim for the way I'd dressed. I had invited it. I had gotten drunk and was stupid enough to think my wishes would be respected. Even though I'd said No. It was My Fault.
People wondered why I'd always been so dark, why I had mostly male friends and never dressed up all that much...
*smirks and takes a drink of her coffee*
One thing I always found fascinating, was as I grew more comfortable with myself, many male friends told me I was intimidating and I didn't know why. I was grateful for it, because that kept predators away.
Even though I'm 30 years old, I still hold my head up high, shoulders back and eyes forward whenever I'm out and by myself. I can feel eyes on me but I'm one of those people who will turn and make eye contact. Like clockwork, 9 times out of 10, the person tends to blanch and takes a step back. If you're ballsy enough to stare at me, be prepared to get glared at. I know there's something in my eyes that makes people uncomfortable. It's a challenge. I don't trust people and it's my way of gauging just how confident they think they are. I've got no problem standing my ground.
I've been fortunate enough that most men won't approach me. Even when I've made eye contact and smile, they smile back but seem nervous. I've heard more than a few men stammer when I've actually smiled and said hello.
There's definitely allot more I can write about... That statistically, females are 'taken advantage of' by men they know. I can vouch for this. But again, I was young... Barely 19 yet and the person I was with had manipulated me into thinking I was worthless because I wasn't a Virgin. That I had nothing to 'Give Him'...
Don't worry, the Universe has a way of working things out. And he got back ten fold of what he did to me.
My heart hurts when I read stories of beautiful friends who've been chased down, followed in parking lots, stalked in restaurants and that to them, there was no such thing as 'No', 'Not Interested', 'I have a Boyfriend' etc.
I can relate to a degree. But like I've said, I learned early on that I can use my Weight and Strength as an advantage even if my opponent can easily overpower me. I'm about 5 feet and 6 and a half inches tall and teeter between 156-174 but I'm in better shape than I've ever been. I have a fairly dense frame, a strong back, a barrel chest, and I have a big ass and thick thighs for a reason. I'm also graceful and agile...and tend to Hulk out if I get very angry. Let me put it this way... I could push my 2 ton Ellie easily and that was Before I got back into shape. Imagine what I could do now and if I lost my temper.
*smirks*
I just give off this vibe of, "I'm not in the mood so do me a favor and back off. I'm not afraid of you and I will defend myself." Having that playing in my head and feeling confident in my own skin when I'm out, tends to weed out would-be attackers. Sure I get the occasional crazy person, but they're harmless. It's all how you respond. I'm generally very sweet and agree with whatever insane statement they're making. I can sense they're not workin' with a full deck and their words just aren't working right. It also helps that I'm a reader and can actually say what they're trying to say. They don't bother me.
But I digress... I need me some more coffee, another smoke, and I really need to buy my boys more litter because geezuss someone's fuzzy ass exploded *laughs*
I'll make a point to write more on this subject later ;)
-Anon
Love you ((huggs))
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