Been a minute, hasn't it?

Warm sunlight pours through high treetops, a living forest seeming to exhale and sway as a cool breeze whispers past. Cherry blossoms emerge in clusters, their soft fragrance brought in through the open window, dancing along my acute senses. The scent is calming as the energy around me remains calm, peaceful almost as I sit before a wide monitor, watching as white text fills a dark space. Small fingers dancing with an expert grace along black keys, a soft red glow illuminating the dark keyboard.

A haunting beat pours into my ears through a set of gaming headphones, sending tingles down my aching spine as 'Mercy' by Hurts plays on repeat finding solace in my quiet contemplation hidden away from the world.

Many years have trickled by since the last time I willingly shared my poetic-prose with the world. Nearly seven years to be exact. Why I haven't...I'm honestly not all that sure myself. A lot has happened, a lot has changed and I'm just not the person I once was. In fact, she doesn't look back at me anymore whenever I see my reflection in the mirror.

-she pauses to take a hefty drink of fresh coffee from her Nightmare Before Xmas mug and smirks-

I've been wanting to write something, to share. I did struggle for a long while as to why I'd even want to in the first place. That age old, "what's the fucking point?" Yeah, I went through a heavy patch where I just didn't see the point to any of my old creative outlets.

I realize now with a quiet sadness, that when I go back and read through old posts, I'm painfully aware of the struggle I was going through. Where I was trying desperately to hold to myself, to stay intact when I was literally coming a part at the seams.

The levee finally broke. Everything I thought I was, what made me who I am...shattered.

This is what's left.

I'm still me, just different. Quieter. Less likely to speak up, to share. Definitely became more reserved even if I miss sharing my life. It could just be another rough patch, trying to navigate how to be open again while still remaining private. It's possible, I have done it before. Guess I just need to be a little cryptic until I can find my footing again.

I suppose I needed time to figure myself out, what was actually happening behind my eyes instead of just pushing forward without stopping. Living in survival mode for so many years wasn't intentional and it did finally catch up with me. Like a brick to the face.

There were things about myself I needed to face head on, painful truths about negative energies I kept allowing into my life. I recognized very specific patterns and actively worked on them. In doing so, I had to take a step back.

Not gunna lie, it fuckin' sucked. Realizing that there were...toxic types I kept allowing close to me due to being raised around that as a child and my nervous system thought it was normal, that it was safe because it's all I knew. Once I really looked at it and myself, I made the appropriate changes to finally get myself on the right path again, even if it was painful at first.

No one likes admitting they were wrong. No one likes to admit that they were responsible for the negative people they kept allowing to get close to them because it was all they knew. Negative attachments. One-sided friendships that were never really a friend in the first place. I just couldn't see it.

That's where the healing comes in. When you do the hard shit first and feel like an open wound trying to clean up the mess you've made. It's not pretty and it really does hurt like hell.

I am better now, well...for the most part.

I took a step back from everyone because I knew I had to face myself. I had to have a long hard look at why this shit kept happening and knew it was solely based on my own decisions. I had no one to blame but myself. So I did the work, quietly.

I think I'm finally at a point where I'm healed enough to step forward again and stop hiding myself. I really did miss sharing little tidbits of my life. Missed social interaction. Probably why I'm pushing myself to sit here and type this out.

We all go through ups and downs, tis the nature of life and all its lovely complexities.

You know what I really miss? Going to Renn faire. My Faire Family. So fucking much that I feel my chest ache. I hope this faire season brings a lot of joy to those who are able to go. Know that I'm thinkin' about you and miss you all terribly. I also miss that side of myself...she's been buried for a long time now.

Anyhoozle, I think that's where I'm gunna leave it for now. Is it the best update after seven years? Probably not, but hey...at least it's sumthin', you know?

-gives a small smile-

On that note, I shall bid thee anon.

-Adieu