Healing Dreams

Tears sting, unshed, along my lash line at the thought of where I was before I woke. For the first time, in a long time it seems, my true escape, the place I was safe and loved... Was in my dreams. Though I was at a loss emotionally, though my heart felt as though it was caving into itself... Loved ones appeared and took me away, held me and made sure I was okay. That I wasn't alone... I felt whole... Even if it wasn't real...it Felt Real. I felt Loved.

And when I woke, I struggled desperately to go back to that safe place, but the lines had been severed and I was trapped in consciousness. And I felt lost...and Angry, so very angry...

I dragged my sluggish form through my small home and proceeded to make a strong pot of coffee, in hopes that rich caffeine would help clear away the sorrow filling my chest like an unwelcome fog.

I sat and waited, listening to the gurgling sounds of the pot starting up, heating the water that would filter through the hefty amount of coffee grounds I placed inside. I listened to the sounds of a jack hammer grinding feverishly into broken cement in the distance, workers set on getting through the concrete to old pipes below. I feel for them. Not an easy job.

As I waited for the coffee to fill the carafe, I checked Facebook, more of a distraction than anything else. Too many thoughts dancing around the dreams of the night before... Of the safety and warmth I so desperately need... Wishing it wasn't gone... Wishing I didn't wake into a harsh reality where the world is too bright and too loud. A place I'm starting to despise...

I want to go back, to those strong arms that held me. A dear friend who I've never seen face to face, but seems to come to me in my dreams when I'm truly lost. And that's all it is between us; friendship. Family. Not the Muse, but the man who Inspired the Muse with those haunting blue fire orbs. He seemed worried, and though was busy, had one of his friends who I recognize, come and find me in a sea of faceless strangers. I remember him finally seeing me as I walked along side his friend toward him. I was just merely there, slightly confused at what was happening... When the next thing I know, I see the concern in those soulful brown eyes and suddenly find myself being pulled into a protective embrace. It was just a Hug... My face buried against his chest with his strong arms wrapped securely around me. I could feel his warmth and heard his heart beat...and knew, I was safe. That's all I truly needed...and in my dream, as Real as it seemed... He gave that to me. Unspoken understanding that I was not alone.

The dream changed but the people remained, and there were others surrounding me, distracting me with their warmth and cheerful smiles. It was an escape from this cold, hard reality I can't seem to get away from.

It's surprising how twisted my dreams have been as of late. First they're attacking me with unseen horrors... And then last night, being surrounded by family...by love.

No wonder I'm all screwed up. *sighs and takes a hefty drink of her strong coffee*

I'm trying to suss out the chaos dancing through the endless catacombs of my mind, trying to file them away and make sense of these...emotions...tearing through my blood like venom. I suppose I was long over do for a moment of temporary insanity. When I've been doing so well, staying positive and keeping my head up.

It's hard...it really is. But honestly, it's just a small hiccup and will level out, like it always does. Think of a inactive volcano that's been sitting there, silently and eerily calm... And out of nowhere, releases an earthquake that shakes everyone up... Only to go back to being its sleeping self. Just a bit of build up that needed venting. Nothing too serious to worry over. But there is that nagging in the back of the mind... That one day it Will erupt, and when it does... It will be devastating.

I'm hoping that I never will.

I'm just going to push those worries aside and focus on ways of being productive. Nothing gets done when you just worry about it. So gotta focus, distract myself on things that will be good in the long run. One step at a time.

No matter how much the volcano of emotions inside me are warning me that they will explode. Not gunna happen. I can't afford it. I don't have a choice. Gotta keep going, pushing forward, no matter how much I want to break.

Then again, if I did... I wouldn't know how to stop moving. Must be the Gypsy in me *chuckles softly and takes another drink of her coffee* Not the thieving, lying kind... The always Moving kind, the Nomadic side. I could just call it the Wolf in me. Nature's Nomads. And I definitely feel it walking with me...

*sighs* I need more coffee... My thoughts are too scattered and I definitely feel like a zombuh.

Just know that I'm okay...mostly. Shit happens and you keep going. Don't really have much of a choice.

-Adieu

::WARNING:: Vent

::DISCLAIMER::

The words you are about to read are simply a means of release.
In this Blog you will Find Strong Language and Adult Content.
May Not Be Suitable For Sensitive Readers.
Viewer Discretion Is Advised.

*  *  *  *

There's a horrific tension in my chest, suffocating and squeezing the sanity out of me until I'm left gasping. I want to scream out, howl my frustration into the darkness, calling out to be saved... But no sound comes... No one will know of this pain I bear... This unimaginable weight bearing down, crushing the life out of me.

And there's no option for giving up. I've fought too long and too hard to get to where I am now, and I'm bleeding from my fingertips as I claw in desperation for a way out from under all of this debris I'm buried under.

I struggle to express my thoughts, these broken fragments of an unwanted reality I don't want any part of. I guess it's true what they say... It can always get worse. But god damn it, I will Not let that happen. Fuck the Powers That Be, they can kiss my big stubborn ass if they think I'm going to break Now. Not after everything I've lived through... 

You've already taken so much from me... Thrown so much shit in my face. You think I'm just gunna lay down and what? Give up?

You can go Straight to Hell.

I am not weak. I may be emotionally beat to hell and dragging a broken body along this twisting path you've set before me, but it doesn't mean I'm just going to stop. Heh... Fuck You. You Hear Me? I don't give two shits if I'm talking to the Fates themselves. Fuck_You.

I Bow To No One. Period.

I'm so sick of trying to keep myself from drowning, to keep myself positive when all I want to do is roar and break everything within a ten foot radius. I'm at that point where I just want to watch the world Burn...

...and laugh as the flames dance like hell fire in my eyes.

*growls* Not in a good mood... Pissed off at the fact that I fell apart earlier.

Stressed out? Me? *lets out a dark chuckle* How'd ya guess?

Gotta love creative prose... A means to release the rage...

Not enough...not even close.

I want to cut myself open and tear this beating traitor from my chest. 

All it does is Burn...

*clenches her jaws and lets out a frustrated growl* I need to get out...and drink until the animal calms the fuck down. Because tonight...well...obviously isn't my idea of a good time.

*sits back and growls softly*

...I need a hug...

-Stalks Off-

Tangent Goodness

I have been lacking when it comes to updating my Blog O'Doom... I've tried the last couple of days to actually write something, and every time I started to, I'd look at it, growl and scrap it. *sighs and sips her delicious coffee goodness*

I've been kinda out of it recently (gotta love how stress works) and it's been a struggle to get up in the morning. Hell, it's been a struggle to stay positive. I chalked it up to being my hormones going crazy, (had the Screaming Eagle sumthin' fierce and it made me a damned zombuh) the Full Moon being a Super Moon and the energy in the atmosphere getting charged by the longest day of the year (which was the Summer Solstice). Yay for discombobulated goodness!

*grumbles and chugs her coffee*

So instead of just rambling on about my day to day boring life, I figured I ramble on about something a little more entertaining...

What in the Hell happened to Amanda Bynes?!? 

I mean, I get the whole Child Actor growing up and becoming their own person thing (Hence why I like Miley Cyrus so much, regardless of what crap is being said about her) but when I finally looked up some pictures on Google... Holy...*BLEEP*

She went from this;

To This...;

I can understand coming into Your Own (whatever that means) and it wouldn't be such a mind screw for me if I hadn't noticed her Strange Behavior surfacing lately. And apparently, she's getting Plastic Surgery (Well duh, she wasn't born with her current breast size, but I'm not bothered by that. She felt she needed bigger jubblies, more power to her)

From a recent article I found online, apparently she's fixing what she calls, 'A Birth Defect' in an Article by US Weekly Titled, "Amanda Bynes Declares Herself a 'Hero' for Having Nose Job"

Here's a small excerpt from the Article;

"I consider myself to be a hero to have suffered 27 years with a birth defect and to just now have it surgically removed," she continued. "I had to share my story with you so the media would stop using old photos of me and stop writing lies about me having odd behavior when I was just embarrassed to share the fact that I had a birth defect. As soon as I had it removed I couldn't wait to talk about it!"

Bynes went on to say that her next procedure is scheduled for this Saturday - and compared her nose job to cleft lip repair.

"My doctors are heroes who also correct kids who have cleft lip - something as traumatic as webbing in between your eyes! I wanted to share my story with you to prove that I'm not crazy, I was just embarrassed," she wrote. "Surgery is a complete miracle for me - nothing can hold you back from living out your dreams. There's a surgery for everything that's wrong with you!"

*facepalm* Oi Vey... *shakes her head* If this is True, if she Truly feels as though it's a Defect, than I say if she has the means, go for it. I only worry that it's going to turn into that one chick... The hell's her name...

Oh ya, Heidi Montag...

This next picture really hurts my brain...

Click photo for full resolution

I just... Really don't want to see ANYONE ELSE do that to themselves purely out of Vanity. She was seriously Beautiful before she became emotionally twisted by the Media and started her Downward Spiral with Using Plastic surgery to Shape herself into a Completely Different Person.

There is a MAJOR DIFFERENCE between Corrective Surgery (For actual deformities that cannot be treated without outside help) and getting Plastic Surgery to Enhance Your Appearance.

Look, I'm not against plastic surgery. If it's a small thing and makes You feel more Whole, go for it. The reason why it's such a touchy subject for me (Or why I get so irked by it) is due to the fact, that I have a Rare Skin Disease, a real Nasty One that creates Scars that are embarrassing and unsightly. I literally cannot wear tank tops or sleeveless shirts without flashing the scars in my armpits because of this Acne Inversa. There is No Cure. It's not something you can spread, it's a Rare Genetic Disease. It's Treatable, but I can never be rid of this. I actually NEED corrective surgery, and even then, there's a chance of it flaring up again. It affects the Hair Follicles. It has gotten easier due to losing weight, but it's still there.

So when I see perfectly Healthy Human Beings like Heidi, getting all of this surgery because she had this twisted view of herself, thinking she was ugly... I want to slap her upside the head with a brick. Then she'll really appreciate surgery...

*takes a deep breath* But I digress... If Amanda thinks she needs it, if it's something that's Truly been bothering her all these years, than I support her decision. However, if it's just another warped mindset sating this twisted delusion of Beauty... 

Than whatever, it's her body. I think she's smart enough to know the difference, but she doesn't quite live in the same world we do. She's been raised in HollyWeird. And that alone can twist anyone.

*chuckles and shakes her head* Well, at least this blog wasn't boring... I did promise to ramble about something entertaining.

I suppose when you're in the media 24/7 and now with the Net being even more In Your Face, it can be reeaal easy to find yourself becoming insecure about things STRANGERS point out for no other reason than for sensationalism. The Original Form Of Bullying; Social Media.

And now it's becoming its own entity; a disease that eats away at your self-esteem and forces you into their collective. You're skin is too wrinkled, buy this cream or get these injections. You're complexion isn't flawless, wear this foundation. You breasts just aren't full enough, wear this padded bra or get Man Made Implants shoved into your flesh. We point out why you're imperfect, so you buy our products so you can look like this Model who is actually wearing a shit ton of makeup, and has been digitally enhanced in a COMPUTER to appear Flawless.

It's all an illusion. And we want you to buy into it so we can make You feel bad about yourself and that way you'll become yet another nameless slave to our product that we convince You will make you look beautiful.

*growls and shakes her head* 

I'll admit that I make Pictures appear prettier, because They Are Pictures. I enhance them only slightly, not obnoxiously. I'm not ashamed of my imperfect complexion, I have more than a few pictures proving this. But it's cool to have a few where it looks professional and clean. Everyone knows I'm Far from perfect. When it comes to cleaning up pictures, it's an art form. I'd rather people see true pictures of Me, so that they see the truth when they meet me. Which is another reason why I don't spend allot of time on makeup., or wearing it I should say. 

I'm weird... I want people to See Me First, and that way later, when I do get dolled up, they can appreciate the time I put into it. Does that make sense? Or am I just completely Back-Asswards?

*chuckles*

Alright, enough of my mindless ramblings... At least it wasn't boring ;)

-Adieu

Aware and On Edge

There's a heaviness around me... Like a fog I can't quite shake. Trapped in this haze of exhausted confusion after having an uneventful rest after last night's highly unusual Night Terror.

Psychologically, I'm fairly certain there are those of you that are wondering what dark creation my mind has harbored all these years to create such a blood chilling dream state. I've been thinking the same thing, or wondering at least, but honestly... Really thinking about it, I've faced those old emotional demons. I've accepted the bad things of my past and they've Never appeared in my dreams. Then again, my Dreams have never really been like most.

I'm actually quite capable of figuring out my dreams, even when I'm experiencing them and understanding whether or not they're purely psychological manifestations in need of sorting themselves out. And when this happens, the Nightmares aren't all that frightening. They're more uncomfortable than anything else.

This kind of Night Terror is an Island unto itself.

Because it wasn't my Mind creating it. I know that for a fact. I know that I wasn't Alone, that whatever that Living Mass of Pure Black was... It did not come from some twisted region of my mind. But the scariest part...is that it Was Familiar. I've sensed it before... But not like this. Probably because the other times it's tried to attack me at my most vulnerable, I was able to react and get away from it before it got too close.

This time, I was too weak... I am physically weak and emotionally drained, more so than usual. The 'Screaming Eagle' landed a week early and I had to cancel work on Monday because of it when right now, I can't afford to do that. And no, having a Period did Not bring this on. I usually have weird dreams when I suffer my monthly Self Destruct Sequence, but nothing like this.

This Specific Darkness usually comes after me during the day when I'm weak and trying to take a nap. Whatever this Thing is... Knows how to get passed my Guardians and drag me to a place where they Can't protect me and I have to fend for myself. 

I'm usually able to out smart it. Because in that horrible place... I can't defend myself. I have to be smart enough to stay just a few steps ahead of it. But this thing is Smart... It targeted me at one of my weakest states and actually managed to leave Physical Bruising before I finally got away.

I'm not kidding. It wasn't the way I was sleeping, seeing as I was stretched out on my stomach. It left me with a very tender spot just above my left hip and just beneath my ribcage. As if some Thing with Huge, Clawed Hands grabbed at me so hard, it left the muscles tender from the force it used to hold on to me.

*shudders and lets out a low growl before taking a hefty drink of her coffee* And again, it ain't the period O'doom that caused the discomfort. That's a whole different kind of pain that is strictly Internal and has nothing to do with the muscles along my ribcage.

And what really scared me, was knowing that I could feel my guardian/muse (You know who) Struggling to get to me. But he was Literally blocked. And that Black Mass...I swear, I could feel its twisted pleasure that it finally got me separated from him.

*shakes her head* Well, it's over... But the weirdest thing was afterward, when I was trying to get it all written out and had it ready to go... The computer was acting up. And not in its usual 'I'm an old machine and you're pushing it' kind of glitch. It acted as though it had some kind of Virus. Just to be safe, I made a point to do a System Restore and that actually seemed to help.

*pauses for a moment and takes a calming breath* Uh...right as I was typing that... The computer lagged for a few seconds. For no reason.

Alrighty then... I'm just gunna ingest my coffee and not think about last night...

-Adieu

...Hunted...

I wanted to put the title as 'Haunted'...but it wasn't just that... I felt so helpless... I can still remember screaming...

I'm still trembling...when I should be asleep...

I was sleeping, not for very long. About an hour, an hour and a half maybe. But it wasn't peaceful and there was something with me... Something that wouldn't let me wake up.

I haven't had a night terror in a Very long time. Not just any kind of night Terror (My Version of a True Nightmare) it wasn't just my brain playing a nasty trick on me... There some Thing Hunting Me...

I thought I was Awake. I was literally Conscious, knowing I was lying face down in my bed (which is how I started to dose off) but I sensed something was wrong. I'm not kidding, I was Not asleep. This was not sleep paralysis either. Some thing was fucking with me... I don't know how...

One minute I'm awake, it's my room, my bed... But the room was darker then it should've been. I have excellent night vision (possibly better then most) and there's enough light bleeding into my room that I can see everything in shades of rich blues and grays. So when I peered into my room and realized that the colors were slowly being swallowed by a Black Mass that seemed to spread out all around me like ink poured into a glass of water... I knew I wasn't awake, but I wasn't in the safety of my Own Dreams.

I was pulled somewhere else... A place I never willingly go.

It's not real... It's this eerie realm of consciousness just between sleep and awake. Where I'm suddenly a Rat within a well constructed maze...and I have no affect on anything around me. It's the place this Thing likes to Hunt me...

It makes it seem safe, as if I'm Lucid Dreaming... Everything has a crisp quality, but it's too crisp. Like watching an old movie in extreme HD; it looks so very real, but you know something is very wrong...that it's not what it appears.

Usually I can catch on to what's about to happen, and I'm able to rip myself away from that place before that Black Mass can find me.

This time... *has to force down the solid lump of terror from the back of her throat as her heart hammers within her chest*...I wasn't that lucky.

As my room became as black as pitch, I felt strong hands grab harshly at my waist, unnaturally long fingers Pinching bruises into my skin, just over my hip bones... *shifts uncomfortably at the sting on the left side of her hip bone, the flesh still tender* I jerked away from the assault and felt those hands DIG into my hip bones and now I'm literally bruised from it (I'm not making this up, I'm actively leaning more to my right because of it as I sit here and type this all out).

I knew it wasn't My Dream. I knew I was thrown into that horrible place where I have no control. I was completely Aware of my surroundings and couldn't get myself back into my body. I tested this by sitting up and when my top bunk didn't hit my head, I felt my skin grow cold and tried to curl up into a ball with my sheets tangled around me. The Black just ahead of me seemed to be alive and filled with hatred. I couldn't get away from it... I was trapped.

I felt someone trying to break into that terrible place, someone trying to protect me. I started calling out his name, my voice rising in pitch with every frantic breath... But the more I called out to him, the more those skeletal hands bit into my flesh...

I was rocking back and forth, my eyes clenched tightly shut, repeating his name like a Mantra because I could feel him trying to break through, trying to come and save me from this Thing attacking me... But I was helpless, surrounded in this fog of black and as soon as I felt him there, I was thrown into a different place... 

It looked like my home, but I knew it wasn't. It was too dark, the night was too black...and too still. There was no sound, no life. Not even white noise. Just a void made to appear like I was somewhere familiar and safe. But I knew otherwise...and felt that cold panic begin to crawl up my spine.

I crept to the hallway and tried to focus into the shadows that consumed my vision, and realized there was a door slowly coming into view, as if it was being formed out of nothing. When it finally materialized, I could hear a faint sound coming from the other side and felt the fine hairs on the back of my neck bristle and stand on end.

I went to take a step forward but caught myself when the sound registered in my brain. It was supposed to sound like a baby crying... But just beneath the sound was something else... It wasn't a baby... Babies don't sound like that...

...Nothing Human sounds like that.

My body was already moving when I started Screaming out to my Dad down the hallway toward his room. I could hear him faintly, as if he were so very far away... "Dad get up!" I called out in terror, hoping that door wouldn't open behind me and unleash the Thing that was waiting for me...

He answered but it was so very faint... And that hallway just seemed to go on forever and I didn't know if I would make it in time... 

I could feel It behind me and that horrific crying echoing somewhere within the darkness...

That's when I suddenly snapped awake, trembling and had to fling myself out of bed, my hips aching as if someone had been punching me and stumbled out into the living room... To find that my Father was awake...and I was no longer trapped in that horrible place between sleep and awake.

I'm terrified to go back into my room. I don't want to go anywhere near my bed. Not yet... It's only been an hour now, but I can still hear that monstrous crying... I can still feel that icy dread coursing through me. 

Thankfully I don't have to work until 4:30pm... 

*shudders and takes a steadying breath* I just hope that when I do finally calm down, I won't be Hunted again... And I'll dream.

-Anon

[Side Note; Originally written at 2:25am, had several Strange computer issues and was forced to Finally finish it close to 5:30am]

*Huggles Coffee Cup*

Oh sweet caffeine goodness... How I Love Thee!! 

*chuckles and takes a drink of her strong coffee*

Had me some seriously Weird dreams again... Can't really pinpoint the images exactly, but I do know that at one point I was walking along side of Jensen Ackles (The Actor who plays Dean Winchester in Supernatural). The interesting thing was that it felt like an Old Friendship. He knew who I was and was glad I was with him. There was no fluffy/romantic crap between us, just friendship, and we even had a fun chat about his excitement about being a Dad, how Danni was holding up, how Jared and Gen are doing, etc. 

It was pretty cool and felt like we needed to catch up. He seemed tired, but really good. I think at one point I was telling him about Ellie (my car) and while we walked through this parking lot (don't you love random surroundings?), we just happened to walk up to my Car. His face completely lit up. He was stoked that he could see her and made a crack that Jared would be pissed that he wasn't with him.

Random right? I know we continued to hang out for a bit, just shootin' the shit and had a few laughs. It was cool...random, but cool.

*proceeds to lose it in a fit of giggles*

The Dream shifted and everything became a blur... I can't really remember anything important, I think I pretty much fell into a deep dream coma up until I got up. I originally rose around 8am to release the pressure to the almighty porcelain gods, but decided to head back to bed for a few more hours because I don't have to be anywhere for several hours.

*yawns and takes another hefty drink of her coffee O'doom*

 I'm looking forward to having a decent day/night. At least I hope so... I'm still zombuh-ish, still gettin' muh coffee on and hopefully will wake up soon. Keyword; Hopefully. XD

Alright muh lovelies, I shall now go run amok and shtuff...or sumfin... :P

-Adieu

Bad Dreams Again

I struggled so very hard to get up those steps... A long set of concrete steps going up and up into my home. But they started to sink; each footfall and I found myself pulling my foot out of wet concrete. But then I looked down... Each step suddenly came to life. I could see that an imprint of my footstep suddenly turned into a picture of my foot, and around each step was drawings... My Drawings. I realized only a few of those steps going up were still wet, and it was more being careful not to smudge the beauty before me. I managed to climb those beautiful stairs and made it to the top. The tips and balls of my feet had a thin coating of white on them, but I wasn't worried because I knew it would dry.

I remember standing at the edge of the high doorway, unafraid, when I turned and gazed down those steps and for a split second I saw a step at the top that I must not have seen. It was the face of an Alien Queen staring back at me with a blaze of Blood Red Fire licking her massive crown. Her jaws were slightly unhinged, lips pulled back and I could see those magnificent nearly translucent teeth gleaming up at me. It was a warning. But not towards me. She was snarling protectively against any who dared get too close...to me.

I continued on my journey...

Dangling off the edge of the high doorway, I realized that it was coated in white plaster I could easily break through. With my left arm grasping the side of the door frame, I began tearing into the plaster, pulling away chunks and watched it dissolve when it fell from my hand. It took little time to finish the hole I had created. No one was going to stop me from getting into My Home. Period.

...The dream shifted...

Poison filled pleasantries danced through my ears, mocking my struggles, acting as though the pain I was feeling had no relevance. "I don't get it," the voice thundered with a sarcastic lilt, "no big deal, nothin' to be upset over." Such an indifference toward me... As he stood next to another faceless stranger, acting as though we were merely acquaintances from long ago...

I exploded, "Nothing to get upset over?!" I jumped the railing toward the next flight of stairs below and landed on the balls of my feet directly in front of him and his shorter companion, whose face was nothing but a blur. He took a step back as I brought my shaking hands into view; they were covered in blood. "This is Nothing, huh?" I snarled with a dark smile pulling at my mouth, appearing more like a snarl as I inched toward him, "This, isn't Nothing."

Wide eyes peered at me in fear and confusion, as if I'd just shattered their well constructed front no one could ever get passed... I was seething with Rage. "You're not worth it." The words were spoken slowly, deliberately. My voice was low and empty as my face smoothed out and swept away all expression. I could see the reflection of it in his frightened gaze... The light in my eyes had gone out, death had taken its place and I didn't recognize what I was seeing. But knowing it terrified him...curled my full lips into a demonic grin. 

I left him there on that lower level to ingest what he'd experienced and continued my journey, ascending the stairs that led me home...

...another shift in the dream...

People around me, discussing but not really saying anything meaningful. A room of living white noise I couldn't focus on. I was too drawn to the metal cages to my left. On silent footsteps I glided over and saw tiny black birds inside. Sparrow like in shape, but they were completely black. I offered my left hand to them and in the next instant, I had several black birds sitting on my shoulders and along my collarbone. I didn't have to cradle them as they clung to the top of my black shirt; nestled against me as if I were their living sanctuary.

And I remember something strange... I peered off in the distance, and could see myself standing there, as if I were watching it on a screen. My hair was in a long braid that swept over my right shoulder, where most of the tiny black birds decided to nest. I noticed that on the left shoulder there was barely any bird droppings, but the few I could see became a line of white chalk. It didn't look unclean, just strange. Then the view began to slowly pan out and I noticed I was wearing a long sleeved, flowing black dress but my feet were bare and I could still see some of that dried concrete along the tips of my tiny toes, making them appear like porcelain. I was standing in a small clearing, surrounded in forest...

I was suddenly pulled back into my body as streams of milky light broke through the swirling mist that trickled through the thick treetops... And just ahead, was a speck of bright red... It seemed to dance within the shadows, playful and innocent. The more I focused on it and took a silent step forward, I realized what it was...

It was a Cardinal. Just like the one I saw in Illinois. As soon as the realization hit me, it was suddenly there, bouncing in the lush, green grass a foot in front of me. I couldn't help but smile as the small fingers of my right hand gently stroked the incredibly soft feathers of the black birds still perched along my shoulder and collarbone.

Without warning, the Cardinal was suddenly among them, a stark contrast of Brilliant Red against the Deep Black of the other birds and my dress.

It was strange...as the view shifted once more and I was watching myself standing there. The view panned out slowly from the Cardinal... And it was almost haunting... I stood there, my ivory skin appearing ghostly pale under the murky streams of sunlight that were subdued through the swirling mist that danced around me into the trees. The Cardinal a living Flame as he sat between the feathered Shadows; their eyes clear obsidian dots that glistened intelligently under the murky light.

It was a picture akin to Silent Hill... But there were no monsters lying in wait... Just a girl and her feathered friends... Peaceful.

*  *  *  *

And I woke up with my bladder protesting to be emptied lol *chuckles and finishes off her first cup of strong coffee* You'd think with all that crazy going on that I had to have taken something before I fell asleep. But nope, I went to bed completely sober. Scary, huh? *shakes her head with a smile and wanders off toward the small kitchen to refill her Nightmare Before Christmas Coffee Thermos*

Mmm Strong Coffee... *smiles happily before breaking out into a yawn* Oi...XD

Ya, some really strange dreams. Not completely unpleasant, not to me anyway. Allot of symbolism there, especially with the Black and Red (which happen to be Two of my Favorite color combinations). 

*shrugs* I got nuthin'... :P 

I think, it's time to wake up s'more, enjoy this wonderfully dreary morning (a thick marine layer blocking the Harsh sunlight with a wonderfully chilly sea breeze dancing in through the open windows ^_^) finish drinking muh strong coffee O'doom, and enjoy the rest of my day. 

Yay coffee! *chuckles*

-Adieu

*Insert Inaudible Grumbling*

So...very...early...

Had to be up at 5am today... Gotta be there at 8am and get off at 6:30pm. It's gunna be a long day... *grumbles and chugs first cup of coffee* I was so tired that I literally passed out before 10 o'clock. But you'd think that when I woke, I'd have had enough sleep to feel awake...but nope, woke up half zombuh lol

*struggles to get up to fill her thermos O'doom with more of that life-giving caffeine, grumbles something incoherently and shuffles back to her seat*

I gotta ingest this as fast as possible so I can get myself in the shower. Ya, I didn't take one as soon as I got home, had a few things to do and by the time I could have, I was barely moving. I even opted out of watching my Supernatural (even though it was a rerun) because of how tired I was. That should say something. 

So ya, gotta take a quick shower, which will help me wake up and get my butt in gear for the long day ahead of me. I'll be glad to be able to relax when I get home.

Yay for zombuh goodness! *grumbles and sways over her coffee thermos*

-Adieu

Rising with the Dawn

Darkness surrounds me as I struggle to pull away from unconsciousness. I hit the snooze on my phone, not wanting to get up... But once 5:30am rolled around, I jumped, knowing I had to get my ass out of bed and make a strong pot of coffee.

It's now 6am and I'm workin' on my first cup. Why would I be up this early? I have work today from 8:30am until 6pm and I plan on leaving the house by 7:20am so I can warm up Ellie and beat most of the morning traffic on my way to work. Most people would rather sleep in, but I enjoy having an hour or so to myself so I can wake up properly and keep my anxiety back. I also went to bed early, so I had enough sleep and didn't feel like a Thriller Video Reject when my alarm went off.

*chuckles and takes a drink of her Strong Coffee from her Nightmare Before Christmas Thermos* I made me some rocket fuel this morning ^_^ It's strong enough that I had to add a bit more milk before it finally changed color lol

I definitely need it, seeing as I have a long day ahead of me. And I'll probably get home around 7:30pm (depending on traffic) unwind for a little while and crash before 10pm so I can do it all over again tomorrow. I'll just be glad to Finally be able to use my shower when I get home. That's definitely something I look forward to doing after work.

*yawns and stretches* I think I'll have a pretty good day, at least I'm hoping it will be.

Man...I had some seriously Weird dreams during the night. At one point, I remember walking through a strange landscape of clouds (Think of the floating islands of Pandora) and they were these beautiful, deep blue and silver colors, as if they were made of ice. I also remember seeing snow...randomly on the tips of skyscrapers as clouds surrounded them. 

Another weird thing, is I'm usually terrified of clouds in my dreams (to me, it's like Dark Water, they're Not what they appear) but I was completely at ease. I also remember looking down from the road I was walking on, to my right (just down the hill) and realized that it was full of tents and what not, like a random encampment of campers. And I noticed them because there was a wind dancing through their tents... Ya, weird.

*gets up and pours herself another large cup of coffee goodness* Mmm Dark Roast...how I love thee! *chuckles'n'shakes her head*

I'm just glad I went to bed when I did, otherwise I'd be a grumpy ferret right about now...and yes, the coffee O'doom definitely helps. *smirks* Me and my Coffee Consumption... It's a sickness, it is :P

Well muh lovelies, I think I'll end it here and continue to ingest this magical nectar of the gods, wake up and get ready for my day O'doom ^_^

-Adieu

Mmm...Coffee...

Exhaustion rolls through me as I drag myself from a deep slumber and throw myself back into consciousness. Warm streams of sunlight bleed in through the open blinds as I maneuver my zombie-like form from one room to the next, my mind focused on only one thing; Coffee. Strong Coffee.

I shuffle quite ungracefully through my home and thriller walk into the kitchen, half coherent, and proceed to make a pot of that rich, life-giving nectar of the gods.

And when that last drop fills the carafe, I'm immediately drawn into the kitchen once more, to pour that delicious magic into my Nightmare Before Christmas Thermos, add the appropriate amount of milk and sugar, than shuffle back to my chair... Intent on getting comfortable before I take that first sip.

It's like fireworks in my tired brain after the first initial drink. Warmth spreads like an unclenched fist through my chest as the caffeine swells through my blood, bringing life into this zombie-like form.

Click this here picture to enjoy its full sized goodness :P

It's one of those mornings where I'm thankful to have a break from all the crazy of the past... 7 days. I was able to go to bed knowing I didn't have to Jump as soon as morning broke through the cover of night. I woke up hard; disgruntled and discombobulated. An angry ferret in desperate need of caffeine goodness. And now, I have my oh-so-delicious coffee, enjoying the cool, ocean-kissed breeze that dances in through the open windows, caressing my tired form. I'm slowly readjusting to myself again, knowing I can relax enough to sit back and consider something new to write.

I have something in mind, which has been pestering my thoughts for awhile now... It's been so long since I've written something in that genre that I'm not sure where to begin and how it will all pan out. I hope it turns out well...and that I can write it out, finish said story and share it with those souls who'd be interested in reading it. (Cryptic of me, no? lol)

When I finally figure out what to write, I'll let you know...maybe give a few tid-bits to see if anyone would enjoy the rest. Until then, I need to get it out of my thoughts and into a story-line. *chuckles*

Alright muh lovelies, I'm in need of more coffee and possibly a small PB'n'J sammich to sate my craving for sugary goodness :P

-Adieu

Safe and Sound

Well, got home and everything is right where it should be (thank the gods) and by some random chance, an ocean breeze must've kicked up around noon, so this place is pretty much aired out. I have the bathroom closed because nothing is to touch the very WHITE bathtub until 48 hours have passed. I was lucky enough to be able to take a shower and scrub my dirty hair while visiting Tammy and Julie's. (Seriously, they are made of Awesomeness :D)

And you know what? Pez was the only one who needed to go into Julie's room (disgruntled old fart was showing his Feral side lol) but Gir was an absolute sweet-heart and was more engrossed in following me around the house or sitting up on the kitchen table rather than freaking out like the Old Fart in Julie's bedroom lol Gir was also very sweet and respectful with two of their three cats; Casper and Captain. Tiger, the big Feral (Also part Tabby, much like Pez) was locked up in their Dad's room because he's just as grumpy as Pez XD lol

All in all, we had a great time over there, and the day seemed to go by really fast. My Dad and their Dad got along great and talked Cars most of time there, which was another plus ^_^

It was a better day than I had hoped. All I wanted, was to have this day go by as smoothly as possible and not think about a stranger coming into my home. But Victor, (the bathtub dude) was Very nice when he showed up and seemed to be surprised at how nice we were to him. Hell, I even cleaned the bathtub for him before he came up and he seemed almost shocked by it. And he did, in fact, lock the door behind him. He even closed my Dad's room (where we had to place the Kitty Litter) so the fumes wouldn't get to it and to protect my Dad's things.

It was definitely a better day than I expected... And I have a sneaking suspicion that we (Dad and I) will be going over there more because Dad and Steve got along Extremely well ^_^

Kinda funny but sad part, is Pez peed himself on the way home XD Gir was fine, just vocal. And Pez finally calmed down... He's sulking around the apartment lol

So ya... I gots muh strong coffee, and I think I'll make somethin' to eat in the near future to calm muh tummy down.

Oh hey, UPS just dropped off our New Mr. Coffee Pot! 

Yay for having a decent day :D

-Adieu

And It Starts...

Dawn breaks over the lingering shadows of night, almost gently, as a new day emerges over a sleeping landscape. The body rises slowly from a night of chaotic dreams, a gradual movement out of the bed and toward the bathroom to pay homage to the porcelain gods.

A slow shuffle, through the small dwelling on dragging feet, toward an even smaller kitchen to create a well needed pot of coffee. Due to functioning on only a few cylinders, the coffee isn't as strong as usual, but it's just as well...there will be more, and it will be stronger.

And It's now 6:36am...and I'm on my second cup. *grumbles softly* Not looking forward to the concept of having to Leave my home and trusting that a couple of Strangers are just going to do their job, lock up and leave when they say they will. I've always been weary about unwelcome guests, I'm extremely territorial and not keen on being forced to vacate and trust that nothing will be touched. But it's a necessary evil. I was reassured that it's a one time thing, and they have about an hour to finish up and get the hell out due to the fumes. And once 4-6 hours pass, we can return, but will be unable to use said shower/bathtub until 48 hours later. 

I'm just hoping today goes well, and that the only annoyance will be the residual smell of their work when we get home. As a precaution, I'm taking snapshots of everything and putting a piece of tape over certain doors, including my room, so they know if they touch it, I'll know. It's a silent warning that I don't trust them. Period. It's not much, but it helps ease the horrendous knot in my chest...well, very slightly anyway.

*lets out a growling sigh and makes another two cups of even Stronger coffee* Just gotta focus on gathering a few things for myself, my Cats and my Dad, heading down to Ellie and driving about 30 mins over to Tammy and Julie's (To which I am Beyond thankful for) put the boys in Tammy's room, hopefully be updated when the guys finish their work and assure us they've locked the front door on their way out, and try to relax for the next 5 hours.

Can you tell I'm just soo looking forward to this? *grows a dark smile and shakes her head* Gotta love Sarcasm...

Ah, look at that...7am on the dot and I'm on my third cup of even Stronger Coffee Goodness. Trying to keep my head straight, forcing back the beast of Anxiety that's attempting to rear its ugly head and make my morning more stressful. I'm just glad I managed to get to bed early so I could get at least 8 hours and feel rested in the morning. Otherwise I'd be more on edge right now.

They're not set to be here til the hours of 9-10am, hence why I got up so early to begin with. That way I have enough time to myself to wake up and not feel rushed or panicked.

*takes a deep needed breath and lets it out slowly* Not a day I look forward to, but hopefully it goes by quickly. Gotta stop thinking about it.

Heh... Wish me luck.

-Adieu

Blissful Caffeine

Crisp, night air echoed through the trees; invisible hands of ice trailing gently through the darkness. It was just after midnight as a creature moved with a languid grace beneath a thick canopy of living green. The rich earth was cool and soft beneath bare feet, almost comforting the wandering soul that journeyed deeper into the thick forest, set on escaping its previous world of harsh light and teeth-chattering noise. It was peaceful here, where nature's design overwhelmed the landscape with unrestrained abandon. Living monoliths towering into the heavens, their twisted branches outstretched, as though reaching out to one another, banding together in an endless army of sleeping titans; ever watchful in their silence.

There were no crowds, no mindless swarms of footsteps thundering back and forth like a disease passing through broken veins of concrete. The air was clean, no hint of exhaust or eye-watering perfume masking the stench of human waste and filth. There was no man-made noise or ear-piercing chatter of machines, just the gentle ambiance of a living forest... And if you stayed very still...you could almost feel the world breathe around you.

It was safe here, but only to those who understood the laws of the forest, respected the natural world and all creatures (no matter how grotesque) that dwelled within. To the countless others, however, who gave no qualms about the sanctity of another living being, they would quickly find themselves venturing into the mouth of an unforgiving beast... Never to be heard or seen again.

Which was just as well, knowing that this ethereal place was safe from the destruction of hate, made it the perfect sanctuary for a wandering soul who never felt a connection to a world of tireless greed.

*  *  *  *

And...that's all I got. *chuckles and takes a drink of her Third Cup of REAL Yuban, Dark Roast Coffee*

An update to all the utter chaos of the last few days... The maintenance guys that said they were coming back over yesterday in the early hours to work on the bathtub, Never showed up. It was only around 11:30am (having been playing phone tag with our Apt Management) I learned that the guy was going to do the work on the tub (Which was legit; he has to fix the drain and spray a polymer paint over the entirety of the bathtub as quickly as possible so he can vacate because the Fumes, are in fact, dangerous and we'd need to be out of the apt for 4-6 hours to allow the place to air out) was planning on coming out at 9am, but Failed to inform his Supervisor, who instead, sent him somewhere else and we as well as management, were left in the dark. She (One of our awesome management ladies) scolded them for this, and apologized profusely for having to reschedule until Monday morning. Which actually worked out rather well.

I was able to put gas in Ellie and go to the store. And for the Very first time, I was able to Cook in an old-fashioned Cast Iron Skillet and make Dad and I, Bacon and Eggs. 

A little Collage of the New Stove and Food O'Doom ^_^

I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be able to make a meal again in my own home on a Stove that works. And!! Be able to make REAL Coffee in our awesome Coffee Maker O'Doom.

It's even made a difference in my Father's Health in just a Day, which has taken a Tremendous Weight off of my frightened heart. There is a Marked Improvement in his energy level and state of being. He actually Sounds like himself again, especially after Finally having a decent cup of coffee after Months of living off of Instant Crap. Another reason for this... Is his body has Finally rejected Beer. He has no want or need to have another drink. So his system is slightly discombobulated, and having Normal Coffee and a Home Cooked Meal, in just a Day, has had a wonderful affect on him. I have a Very Good Feeling that I can Heal him through my Cooking. I am Hellbent on making damned sure my Dad will remain in my Life for as long as possible. I plan on having him come with me when I finally Move to Oregon. I will not Leave him behind. I Want him in my life, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure it stays that way.

*yawns and takes a hefty drink of her Amazing coffee goodness* So ya... Rambling goodness at its best. And now, I will continue to ingest REAL COFFEE and eventually make myself some bacon and eggs ;)

Whoot!

-Adieu