Healing Dreams

Tears sting, unshed, along my lash line at the thought of where I was before I woke. For the first time, in a long time it seems, my true escape, the place I was safe and loved... Was in my dreams. Though I was at a loss emotionally, though my heart felt as though it was caving into itself... Loved ones appeared and took me away, held me and made sure I was okay. That I wasn't alone... I felt whole... Even if it wasn't real...it Felt Real. I felt Loved.

And when I woke, I struggled desperately to go back to that safe place, but the lines had been severed and I was trapped in consciousness. And I felt lost...and Angry, so very angry...

I dragged my sluggish form through my small home and proceeded to make a strong pot of coffee, in hopes that rich caffeine would help clear away the sorrow filling my chest like an unwelcome fog.

I sat and waited, listening to the gurgling sounds of the pot starting up, heating the water that would filter through the hefty amount of coffee grounds I placed inside. I listened to the sounds of a jack hammer grinding feverishly into broken cement in the distance, workers set on getting through the concrete to old pipes below. I feel for them. Not an easy job.

As I waited for the coffee to fill the carafe, I checked Facebook, more of a distraction than anything else. Too many thoughts dancing around the dreams of the night before... Of the safety and warmth I so desperately need... Wishing it wasn't gone... Wishing I didn't wake into a harsh reality where the world is too bright and too loud. A place I'm starting to despise...

I want to go back, to those strong arms that held me. A dear friend who I've never seen face to face, but seems to come to me in my dreams when I'm truly lost. And that's all it is between us; friendship. Family. Not the Muse, but the man who Inspired the Muse with those haunting blue fire orbs. He seemed worried, and though was busy, had one of his friends who I recognize, come and find me in a sea of faceless strangers. I remember him finally seeing me as I walked along side his friend toward him. I was just merely there, slightly confused at what was happening... When the next thing I know, I see the concern in those soulful brown eyes and suddenly find myself being pulled into a protective embrace. It was just a Hug... My face buried against his chest with his strong arms wrapped securely around me. I could feel his warmth and heard his heart beat...and knew, I was safe. That's all I truly needed...and in my dream, as Real as it seemed... He gave that to me. Unspoken understanding that I was not alone.

The dream changed but the people remained, and there were others surrounding me, distracting me with their warmth and cheerful smiles. It was an escape from this cold, hard reality I can't seem to get away from.

It's surprising how twisted my dreams have been as of late. First they're attacking me with unseen horrors... And then last night, being surrounded by family...by love.

No wonder I'm all screwed up. *sighs and takes a hefty drink of her strong coffee*

I'm trying to suss out the chaos dancing through the endless catacombs of my mind, trying to file them away and make sense of these...emotions...tearing through my blood like venom. I suppose I was long over do for a moment of temporary insanity. When I've been doing so well, staying positive and keeping my head up.

It's hard...it really is. But honestly, it's just a small hiccup and will level out, like it always does. Think of a inactive volcano that's been sitting there, silently and eerily calm... And out of nowhere, releases an earthquake that shakes everyone up... Only to go back to being its sleeping self. Just a bit of build up that needed venting. Nothing too serious to worry over. But there is that nagging in the back of the mind... That one day it Will erupt, and when it does... It will be devastating.

I'm hoping that I never will.

I'm just going to push those worries aside and focus on ways of being productive. Nothing gets done when you just worry about it. So gotta focus, distract myself on things that will be good in the long run. One step at a time.

No matter how much the volcano of emotions inside me are warning me that they will explode. Not gunna happen. I can't afford it. I don't have a choice. Gotta keep going, pushing forward, no matter how much I want to break.

Then again, if I did... I wouldn't know how to stop moving. Must be the Gypsy in me *chuckles softly and takes another drink of her coffee* Not the thieving, lying kind... The always Moving kind, the Nomadic side. I could just call it the Wolf in me. Nature's Nomads. And I definitely feel it walking with me...

*sighs* I need more coffee... My thoughts are too scattered and I definitely feel like a zombuh.

Just know that I'm okay...mostly. Shit happens and you keep going. Don't really have much of a choice.

-Adieu