When it Rains...it Pours

Oh delicious coffee, how I love thee...

It's one of those mornings where I remember my dreams were fairly twisted and unsettling. Nightmarish type dreams where I was trying to escape the darkness, where demonic creatures were out hunting and when a scout would find me, I had to take it out silently and hide it so the rest wouldn't hunt me down in droves.

Good times. *takes a drink of her coffee* I'm trying to be in a pleasant mood, but this home tends to be a mood killer. Dad just got a letter from the LA Fire Department (from when they helped take him to the hospital) and he's being charged a grand. But it did mention something about him sending it to his medicaid thingy...

*sighs* Yup, turning out to be a Fantastic morning.

*growls and shakes her head*

Honestly, been doing a shit ton of thinking about the situation I'm currently in and the only thing that continues to drift to the forefront of my thoughts, is major change.

*pauses long enough to receive a phone call from her awesome mechanic*

Well... This completely derailed my thoughts. Basically he's fixing what we figured needed to be done and he wants to do a general tune up, which we also knew was needed...and it's gunna cost me $330 total. Thankfully, I have just enough saved to do so...but after that, I'm runnin' on fumes again. Heh...figures. It is what it is. 

I need my car and this is minor compared to what could have gone wrong. If I've gotta shell over half of what's in my account, not a problem. Ya, kinda sad that I have so little, but that's not all that uncommon these days for most people. I was also offered 5,000 for her yesterday upfront from the tow truck driver... As appealing as that seemed, she's my only transportation and truthfully... She's the only thing that's Mine. I Love my Car and to me, she's worth so much more then that. What I did do, is saved his number just in case the day ever comes that I'm forced to sell her, I'll call him. 

*takes a steadying breath and a sip of her second cup*

So back to my original thought that I didn't get to continue...

I love my Father very much, but there are a few things that I had noticed in the past but merely brushed aside as, 'well he's my Dad' kinda thing. With others helping me, they too began to notice and started asking me if he's always been this way. Come to think of it...yes. He only got mean when he drank, and I figured maybe those other not so pleasant traits were due to the beer. I've come to realize that isn't the case. And a torrent of rage has blown up inside me at this realization.

I want to hate him for not taking care of himself like he should have. I cannot count how many times I honestly Tried to get him to see a doctor just for a check up or an array of other things that would've been better for his well being. He fought me each time, excuse after excuse and apart of me never truly pushed the issue because I was raised to Respect My Elders and their decisions. 

But because of his decisions and completely Ignoring me when I really needed him to seek help, he's now trapped at home and I'm forced to take care of him.

It may come off cold, but I'm honestly considering finding a great retirement living center for him where I know he'll be taken care of and have actual human interaction and finally be able to live my life. I'll be 30 this coming christmas eve... And I'm tired of living behind someone else's shadow. This is not my life and I feel like it never has been. I never had the balls to just leave. Too concerned if he'd be okay. It's not my fucking responsibility. He's not my ward, he's my Father. (Yes I'm going off on a vent and right now, it's helping. If it's not your cup of tea, skip to the end.)

I'm just so fucking stressed out and worn down by all of this. I want to be gentle and say it's not all his fault...but the truth of it is, that he allowed this to happen and he knows I won't abandon him.

I think another reason for my severe animosity at the current moment, is knowing I do not have to stay. I can leave. I have options. I could easily grow cold and just leave him to his fate. But that is Not who I am so even thinking about it destroys something inside of me.

Maybe if I become angry enough, I'll level out and be able to what needs to be done.

I'm just... *lets out a low sigh* I'm at a loss. I don't know how this is all going to turn out, but I'll get through it. 

I guess it's true what they say, "When it rains...it pours."

-Anon

Two Days Of Chaos

Well, been a few days since I've been able to update everyone. Why? Remember how I was struggling to have a better day on Tuesday? Well, seems the Fates decided to throw yet another curve ball my way... Ellie wouldn't start after work. She tried desperately to turn over, but there was no 'boom'.

Ya, this definitely sums up how I've been feeling... :/

So I contacted my Blonde sisters Tammy'n'Julie for help, and they were able to drive out and we tried workin' on her for a minute. We had a feeling it had to do with the 'spark' that gets the engine going, and after calling both our Dads, they had the same answer; "The Distributor." So seein' as we were losing day light and didn't have the tools available to fix her ourselves, they called AAA. Here's the kicker; I got into my car a quarter to 6pm, the girls got there around 6pm and we didn't get towed until 9pm.

I'm trying desperately to stay calm about everything, knowing that I had things I needed to do for my Dad and with Ellie not working, I was trapped. So I relaxed and I ended up staying with Tammy'n'Julie and Ellie was placed perfectly in their driveway (the tow truck driver was an absolute Gem) so we decided we'd work on her the next day.

Wednesday rolls around and around 8pm we were finally able to get some help from Marco and after taking her apart and trying to start her, nothing happened...so they put her back together and we agreed we'd have her towed the next day to my mechanic once I got ahold of him. 

Today I get ahold of my mechanic and he said he'd have a spot for her if I could get her towed up there and to just leave my keys with the cashier and he'd look at her right away in the morning. So with some time to kill, I got the chance to give her a much needed bath, making her look all pretty and shiny.

Now here's the funniest part of all of this...

Tow truck dude shows up and we fill him in on all the stuff we did and what we know she needs and he asked if we'd tried to start her since then. We hadn't, so he gave it a shot...and wouldn't you know, shit you not, she started. She roared to life. 

Instead of having to get her towed, Marco followed behind as I drove her all the way to my mechanic's and left her there for the night. I also left a little note along with my keys that asked if he could take a look at the turn indicator on the steering column because the right signal doesn't work anymore and I asked if it were possible, if he could lift my head lights a little because ever since they were replaced with new ones, the light shines directly beneath the hood and I can't see the road. So hopefully, that'll all be done by tomorrow afternoon because if not, I'll be forced to rent a car for a few days with money I don't really have.

So ya...good times. But I will say this; If it weren't for the Angels in my life, I honestly don't know how I'd make it each day. With everything I've been trying to deal with, they have been the very reason I haven't completely snapped yet. I can never truly convey how much their love and support has kept me from just giving up. I Love You All, from the bottom of my weary heart. You are the reason I still try...the very reason I still hold the smallest grain of hope for humanity. Why I don't completely Hate all humans. But to me, you're not humans. You're Angels.

I am honestly and truly blessed to be able to call you Family.

And with Ellie starting up the way she did... Talk about a miracle.

But I can just see a smirk curling the edge of full lips as Riddick's voice rolls like living thunder in the back of my mind,"Heh...god has a fucked sense of humor."

Couldn't have said it better myself ;)

-Adieu

Musings of a Zombified Brain

How does one stay positive? How do we keep pushing ourselves, forcing these hopeful words down our throats when it feels so pointless?

Right now, I don't care. This has been an incredibly trying morning on my fractured psyche. I struggle so hard to just function like a normal human being, adjust and adapt to the cards that have been dealt and force myself to have a normal morning.

I could say, "Well that happened, but the sun's still coming up so something good is just Bound to happen!" Heh...yea, and I'll ride a Unicorn to work powered by magical rainbows shooting out of its ass.

After struggling to have a good weekend with my Rabble Family, the panic rat decided to multiply, sending out hundreds of these neurotic furry bastards in all directions, chewing up the fragmented pieces of my struggling emotions. Overshadowed by worry, anxiety coiled in my chest like a sleeping viper, just waiting to awake with a furry.

Nothing I can do will ease this growing void inside me. I am Trying so fucking hard to keep my shit together, but I am being tested every gorramed chance the universe gets. I can't be calm anymore. Because if I even pause for a moment, able to find a sense of peace and be still...something reminds me of the black hole that's invaded my life and happens to reside at the apartment that used to be my childhood home. It's not a home anymore, it's become my fucking prison and I am struggling to keep myself from rearing up like a wild mustang and taking off; getting as far away from this place as I possibly can.

*haunted eyes peer at the ghostly white computer screen as a small hand reaches over and brings her coffee cup to her lips, forcing herself not to tremble and spill the hot liquid all over her lap in the process*

This shit has got to stop. I cannot be beaten down by this. I want to take my overly sensitive mind and tear out the emotions that are doing nothing but hindering me from getting shit done. I honestly want to hollow myself out and become stone.

*feels the growl of frustration swell in her chest as she swallows down another mouthful of hot coffee*

The only way to ignore my internal meltdown, is to distract myself with anything that takes myself temporarily away from my thoughts. For example, there's a program from NOVA on Cuttlefish right now and it's a very Welcomed distraction. I absolutely Love these creatures who are closely related to Sea Slugs of all things, and are probably one of the most fascinating critters on the planet. Underwater aliens.

*sighs and shakes her head* So distracting in fact, that I'm having a hard time focusing on getting this blog written out.

You can see how I'm attempting to keep myself away from that growing darkness, the living poison swelling through my veins that's slowly chipping away at an old doorway containing a part of my personality generally reserved for those times I write about Riddick. But it's not the inspiration For Riddick. I open that door just enough to allow a piece of it to breathe and drop into a scenario with the only character I know who can handle it. If anything, he keeps it at bay and distracts it until I can lock it back in its cage. Riddick, my personal guardian. Makes a strange kind of sense now, doesn't it?

*yawns and takes another drink of her coffee*

Well, I guess today may prove to go well... Considering I don't have to be at work as early as previously thought. I get an extra hour to myself, which is definitely plus considering the inner storm brewing violently in my brain.

You know, when I've faced situations that cause this kind of trauma on my emotional state, I would change something physically about myself. Perhaps as a coping mechanism to show everyone as well as a reminder every time I glanced in the mirror, that I was adapting to what I was going through. A reflection of what was happening just beneath the surface. Which also may explain that overwhelming urge to cut my hair off at the back of my neck. A part of my psyche screaming out for others to see the turmoil churning deep within. And I suppose it's another way to cope to such a situation. As if adapting by physically altering something about the self, to prove that we're changing along with it.

That may be another explanation as to why I'm having a harder time adjusting because I've not attempted to alter my appearance. As an adolescent and teenager, I was constantly changing something about myself on the outside while trying to adapt to the chaos within. Not only trying to figure out myself and what I found fit my personal style, but as a way to distract myself with something new that would temporarily keep myself from picking at the parts I disliked.

I would also change my hair color (none too worried about the damage it was causing) quite often to reflect how I was feeling. Dark brown and Black would be my choice when I was run down inside and wanted to reflect that darkness on the outside, to warn others that I was in a bad state. And when I was feeling my best, I would change it to Bright Red. But for the past few years, I decided to do yet another change...and stopped dying my hair altogether. One, I was tired of constantly having to keep up with the new hair growth and spending too much time on putting the color back into my hair which only fried it. Two, I was curious to see how my natural color would look and what it was like to have healthy hair. Because with all the chemicals, I had to actively buy shampoo and conditioner that are made to help with the damage that's been done, but it becomes too pricey.

So I opted for a change that meant I had to learn a great amount of patience. Now, it's trailing down my back and hovering just a few inches above my tail bone. I've even learned how to cut it myself, which was another way to save money and keep my hair healthy. For years I had wanted to grow my hair long but there had always been a reason or an excuse as to why I hadn't let it do so. I think that had mostly to do with patience, and we all know that while young, it's an almost impossible feat. Now I look forward to the day it trails just behind the back of my knees. That way, I can cut off a foot and donate it while still having a thick mane of hair.

*chuckles and shakes her head* 

Gotta love my brain in the morning... Instead of just focusing on how shit-tacular I'm feeling, I wrote about things that are lighter and distracting in a good way. Things that keep me motivated when on the inside, I'm starting to burn out. But I suppose that's just how it is; adapting and forcing yourself to cope when you feel yourself being swallowed by the fates.

And on that note... It's 8:11am and I have to get my ass in the shower and I promise to continue to find the good in this situation and keep myself from turning into a shell of person. That no matter what, I'll try to keep smiling.

-Adieu

Worn Down but Not Defeated

Darkness spills across the landscape, swallowing the lingering light of a late summer day. I sit within the silence, enjoying the long shadows that stretch all around me as my thoughts drift into the broken crevices of my mind.

Old memories surface, questions lingering behind my eyes as a hornet's nest of emotions buzz angrily into existence; a thousand stings of rage at such an unwanted intrusion. How dare I awaken them...jostling them into a frenzy of unresolved contempt and resentment.

Searching these old internal chapters I've unexpectedly reopened festering wounds hidden beneath a mask of silence. Waiting for that moment when the warmth of curiosity would bring them screaming back to life.

The soul has become a blackened, heavy thing. Desperately I fight the urge to reach inside and dig it out, cut out the pain and halt this madness induced delirium.

Just to feel somewhat normal again. To be free of this internal chaos, this waste of energy driving a rational mind toward the edge of oblivion.

Words are fleeting, broken things. To make sense of this disheveled soul, to pluck out the crazy and find peace in the dark. To be empty...to be still.

No longer be at the mercy of a weary heart.

I fight to make sense of things, to bring logic to the forefront when irrational emotions are desperately trying to destroy the delicate foundations of my weakened sanity. They slash at me, clawing at the remains of my spirit as I struggle to drag myself toward a distant source of light.

I will find my way again. I will make it.

I've got nothing left to lose.

-Fades to Black-

Unleash The Munkee!!

Another day, another cup of coffee, another witty title to tantalize and confuse you. *chuckles*

The caffeine definitely helps... Brings my zombie self back to life. And while being the 'Walking Dead' apparently Dad accidentally sat on his new cane and snapped it in half, so I just put some wood glue on it and duct taped that puppy back together and now we let it sit until tomorrow. 

Not as stressed today as I was yesterday, also considering that after the last 'vent' type blog, I ended up falling apart in front of my Dad when I was supposed to be walking down to my car to go to the store. I hadn't meant to crumble into a heaving mess, but it just came spilling out. I had to escape into my room for a bit and was able to talk to someone long enough to get my mind straight again. After some time had passed, and finally feeling calm again, I reemerged and learned that due to my small emotional glitch, it was a motivator for my Dad.

The biggest stress that's been weighing on me is that due to all of this, is how the situation went from being more or less like roommates with my Dad; he did his thing and I did mine. To suddenly being forced into doing everything when I knew my Dad could Still do things for himself, but was now relying on me to do so because this situation has left him feeling helpless and depressed.

Falling apart the way I had...allowed me to finally be honest because of the intensity of pain swelling through my heart. He told me he just needs me here for emotional support, and at any other time I'd have no problem with that. I love my Dad, he's one of the most important Men in my life. But I had to tell him, as embarrassed as it was to admit, how much it hurt me to say to him, that being in his presence was driving me to the edge. That I was picking up on his emotions too and didn't know how to shut it off. That I felt helpless and scared and angry that he has to go through this and I cannot fix it myself. My entire world has been flipped upside down and all I want to do is Fix it, Right the fuck now. But I can only do so much, and for a time he just depended on me to do Everything when he could at least meet me halfway.

It was painful, it felt like something was tearing its way from my chest in a flood of rage and frustration... But when it all calmed, I felt comfortably numb. I didn't care how swollen my eyes appeared or the splotchy flush that filled the ivory skin of my face. I pulled myself together enough to gather my GIR bag and car keys and ventured out to get things done. 

There was an energy that surrounded me when I sat in my beautiful Ellie. I didn't feel like I was just sitting in a car, there was a sense of awareness...and intelligence not my own. It felt like sanctuary... Like Home. When I sink down into that comfortable bench seat, close the door, click my lap belt into place and turn the ignition; feeling that 350 roar to life... I feel safe. And it's not because I love cars and being able to drive tends to zen me out. There's something very special about my '70 Impala that I haven't experienced with any other vehicle. Maybe it's because she's My Car and the funniest part...is I didn't choose her, she picked me.

Whenever we're together I feel at peace with myself.

Maybe it's a Classic Car thing :P

 

*yawns and takes a drink of her second cup of strong coffee*

Even in the state I was in; disheveled with puffy lips and swollen eyes from crying so hard, I collected the fragmented pieces of my pride, threw them in a pile and followed through with my errands. I went through the motions in a daze, as though my body was on autopilot while my mind drifted through space. Thank the gawds I'm a good driver, it's literally second nature for me seeing as I've been able to drive a vehicle gracefully since I was 8 years old. (I was a speed demon at the go cart track and learned very quickly how to do so safely :P)

I went to five different places, and twice I was complimented on having such a beautiful car. That really warmed my heart and brought me out of the cloud I was in. Seeing the joy light up in those stranger's faces when they realized it was a rare '70 Impala and that this young woman truly Loved her car, there's no way to describe it. It really made me proud of my Ellie and even she seemed to share my reaction by running more smoothly; purring loudly on the way home.

Yes, this is My Eleanore. Gorgeous, no? ^_^

*smiles and takes another drink of her coffee*

I realize that I've been suffering an emotional rollercoaster since I found out how ill my Dad really is. Though a part of me sensed this would come to pass over 8 years ago. I knew that if I wasn't close, if I wasn't a constant presence in my Father's life, he wouldn't be here right now. I've unfortunately missed out on several opportunities to venture out on my own and start living my life because I had a feeling I needed to be here. I wasn't staying just to play the whole 'Martyr' card, there was a very strong gut feeling that something very bad was going to surface and I needed to be here to stop it in its tracks before it was too late. It haunted me...that bad feeling, ever present in the back of my mind like a Rattlesnake curled up in the tall grass. You can sense it, but have to wait for the soft rattle of warning to know where it's hiding so you calmly sidestep in the other direction and avoid it.

Now I just have to pull myself together. Obviously I'm trying and am actively making myself feel better. That torrent of chaotic emotion has dwindled after flooding over, returning to a stable level so I can fix the levee it broke as it rushed through me.

Things will get better. No matter how twisted I start to feel inside, there is Always a reason to find hope. There is always a silver lining. I have to believe that or those tendrils of madness will entangle me and drag me into a ravenous pit to which there is no escape.

Gotta Love JTHM ^_^

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone gets overwhelmed and beaten down by circumstances they can't control. But it's how we deal with it that gets us out alive. I may not be the strongest person right now, but I'm incredibly stubborn and will run myself into the ground before I simply give up. I may have felt that way in the past, may have exuded weakness...but that didn't get me anywhere. It accomplished nothing.

So as crazy as this may make me, I'm going to suck it up and carry on. Life waits for no one. You either step up and keep up or the jaws of fate will gladly swallow you. I don't know about you, but I want to Live even if that means I'm beaten to shit in the process. 

Hey, at least it makes for good story telling ;)

-Adieu

-Crippling Emotions-

Here I am once again, unable to pull myself away and start on errands that need to be run. It's a strange combination of procrastinating and social anxiety; I feel like curling up in the dark to hide. To get away from this apartment, away from the tragedy I'm struggling to face, the freedom I feel that has been taken from me.

This ain't no pity party, kids. I'm suffering a terrible internal conflict that's making it difficult to remain in a good frame of mind. 

I haven't eaten since yesterday, and what I ate yesterday was more of the snacking variety. I've already lost a few pounds (gotta love shedding water weight). I'm not starving myself, no matter how hungry I feel, I just...don't want to eat. This place, this fucking Cage I'm in...is becoming increasingly hard to function in. This isn't home anymore... It's a tomb.

I'm trying to keep positive (as everyone may have noticed) trying to keep myself from that edge of madness. I write about the things that keep me motivated, that keep me thinking of a better day. Something Good to look forward to. But just beneath the surface, I'm literally falling apart at an accelerated rate. I can't pin point what the hell is wrong with me, fighting to keep my rational side in play while trying with everything I can to stop my emotions from spilling over.

Is it possible that I'm simply in need of more help then I initially realized? Am I spiraling downward unknowingly by thinking I can get everything accomplished by myself? I know I'm not alone, but with my Father's health... No one really sees what I see, being here in this emotional death-trap we're both stuck in. I should be able to function relatively fine even if he's a little under the weather physically. But I seemed to have forgotten a very important aspect of my genetic makeup.

There's no way around it, I'm an Empath and when it comes to my Father, I'm incredibly connected to him. So not only am I suffering my own fears and anxieties, I'm picking up on his as well. Which may explain why I feel like I'm drowning every time I'm in the same room with him. It wasn't like this before. I genuinely enjoy my Father's company. But I noticed something this morning after my Father woke up just when I was finishing my 2nd blog post; that refreshed feeling I had was swept away in his presence and I've noticed a severe drop in mood and energy over the past few hours. I feel like a horrific weight has settled in my stomach and I feel this terrible sense of helplessness. And all I want to do, is get as far away as physically possible.

Geezuss I'm an idiot. Wow, it just hit me. I can't shut off the connection between us and I can't differentiate between my Father's emotional chaos and energy levels, and my own. I am literally being suffocated. Which explains why I feel like I can breathe when I walk out the door and start to suffer sever panic knowing I Have to come home.

I really am trying, people close to me know this but they also understand that this environment would drive anyone to the breaking point. And I feel like no matter how much I try, no matter how much I'm on top of things, there's always one small facet I managed to miss and things began to spiral downward again. It's even harder due to the fact that Dad really can't do much anymore. I'm fairly simplistic in my routine and can get by on very little, and I know what Dad needs and it's not a problem for me. I think I'm more overwhelmed than I initially realized.

I hate to confess this, but last night...when I was suffering that 'rough' patch I mentioned this morning in my initial blog... I honestly felt myself starting to snap. It was over something so simple too, which really baffles me as to why I would react the way that I had. Was it a trigger? Possibly...

My Dad mentioned that he needed me to look over his bills, which I had told him I would so in the morning after I'd had my first cup of coffee. But he has a way of needling me and in a semi-guilt trip, wanted me to do it right when he thought about it. I felt my chest start to tighten and a strange kind of pain dance down my spine and into my lower back. Tears began to sting my eyes and I felt the surge of an anxiety attack about to explode, making normal function damn near impossible. I was shaking. I tried to calm down, tried to sit for a moment and force myself to calm the fuck down but then he barked that he wanted the bag and that he'd do it himself. The anxiety peeked and I started to lose it (yes, Very embarrassing to admit that I actually started crying because I couldn't control the panic sweeping through me, making feel like a complete waste of a human being). I told my Dad I couldn't help my reaction, that I was actively fighting to get my bearings; desperate for normalcy.

I stopped and stood very still... My brain felt as though it was being devoured by thousands of panicked ants seeking any means of escape. I couldn't move, trapped in my body when this terrible calm swept through me and I felt cold in a way that didn't give me goosebumps. I could only move my eyes, my spine having gone completely rigid and when I glanced to the wall to my left I had this sudden image of me slamming my fists against it, screaming. The thought frightened me enough to keep myself from moving, finding that I had a helluva lot more control then I first realized. I tried to calm my breathing when another wave of panic traveled through me and I had a sudden urge to grab the scissors to my right and cut my hair off just below my ears. I could see myself doing it and could feel the temptation shudder through me, causing my hands to clench into white knuckled fists as tears of frustration squeezed from my eyes. I knew I had to calm down immediately, and forced myself to go to that quiet place deep within my mind. I felt my breathing ease and my skin tingled and suddenly I was viewing the world in tunnel vision. That internal void opened up and I gladly submerged myself, knowing it was the only way to stop the madness from taking hold of me.

Within that eerie calm, I felt everything drift away and was able to take a shaky breath, slowly coming back to myself. It felt like an eternity, but in reality it was only for a few minutes. 

I hated how that made me feel, helpless and screaming inside for an escape. For something, anything to stop the insanity from taking hold. From becoming just another sad case of someone too weak to face hardship. I may be pretty fucked up right now, but I will Never allow myself to snap. Ever. No matter how much I start shaking, how hard my chest aches and how loud the pounding in my ears becomes. I will Not allow myself to lose control. To do so would be so incredibly selfish. I need to push aside everything I'm feeling and force myself to get up and keep going. 

I do feel shattered. I do feel weak and afraid and lost. I feel allot of things...but how does that help? Seriously, what good do these lecherous emotions do except for cripple me when I need to be strong for my Dad? Emotions are nothing more then an annoying weakness that need to be flushed from the system. I need to grow callous. I need to hollow myself out so I can get through this. I don't have a choice. 

Can you tell how conflicted I am? It's fuckin' annoying is what it is. My emotions have done nothing but cripple me and I can't afford that. This god damned extra sensory ability I have needs to be shut completely off, leaving me empty so I can focus on what needs to be done.

I'm getting so tired of going from hopeful, to scared, to helpless, to lost then filled with rage. The ups and downs are exhausting and I need to put it to a stop. If I shut off, they shut off. Simple.

*lets out a soft sigh and takes a drink of her water*

It's obvious I need to get my shit together emotionally. This isn't a cry for help or 'woe is me, my life is soo hard, blah blah blah'. No, not my intent. A partial vent as well as a way to release this sickness welling up inside of me. I have to get my focus back, or I will lose my mind and everything will fall apart. I will not be a god damned weakling. No matter how fucked up I am on the inside, or how close I've come to falling off the edge of sanity... This is not about me. He needs my help. And right now, I'm the Only One able to do so, not due to pride or anything, but simply due to the fact that I'm physically here.

Things will get done, there is no other option.

I'm just showing you what's truly boiling beneath the surface. I am human (no matter how much I detest admitting that) and I unfortunately suffer emotional ups and downs as well.

I figured the best therapy is to be open and honest. To unleash this poison and try to sort out my thoughts at the same time. It does help, even in a small way, just to get myself to admit that I am fragmented and am trying to pull myself together even when, at times, I feel that it's pointless to do so.

But I haven't given up. No matter how frustrated or depressed or crazy this situation makes me Feel, I'll get through it. I just want to breathe again. I want to be able to leave the house and not have an anxiety rat gnawing on the back of my mind.

*takes another breathe and smirks, irritated with herself*

We all have our breaking points and I haven't gotten there just yet. It's a struggle sure, but it'll settle and I'll be fine. I'll make it, or maybe I just need to keep telling myself that so I will be okay. Mind over matter kinda thing. Self motivation can't hurt.

It's always the darkest before the dawn...

-Anon

Story Concept; Title Pending

Cut it out, this wretched thing...strangle the emotions, watch as it bleeds. Dripping crimson, screaming my sins into an echoless void. Feed the darkness, caress the hollow remains. Vengeful and empty, bloody footprints in my wake. Searching for a reason to capture hope, a distant star, a broken fantasy.

Shattered and unfeeling, the heart's gone cold. A black and tragic piece of flesh. Rotting from the inside out, watch as the light dims from weary eyes. There's a thin line struggling to remain, to stay still...so very delicate... I watch as tiny fibers begin to unwind, a warning that it Will snap and everything will come tumbling down. One by one the pieces fall...scattered remnants of a creative mind reduced to nothing more then ash.

Fascination shimmers within a clouded gaze as it peers down at trembling hands. Riddled in cuts, angry bruises blossoming from pale skin as small trickles of red dribble toward the cold earth.

There's a surge of electricity in the veins, sharp and immediate. Doubled over, a wail drifts from clenched teeth as a ripple travels along the flesh. A scream lodges in the back of the throat as another wave slams into the midsection, forcing the figure onto its knees.

A sickening rip flutters into the still night air as the flesh begins to tear and fall away; steam lifting in small spirals as the pieces hit the cold ground in small splashes of skin and tissue.

Overwhelmed in sheer agony, the body collapses onto its side, choking on the painful howls as bones crack and reform while internal organs and muscles regroup deep within.

The human guise is literally torn from a fully conscious mind as a shift takes place under a moonless night sky.

Just as quickly as it began...it's over.

Trembling, a shadow rises onto all fours. Slightly disoriented, keen senses begin scanning their surroundings, taking in the night with a new found perspective. The darkness is brightened in brilliant shades of blues and greys, making the night almost as bright as the day. The way full moon light brightens the black in its lunar glow with those soft streams of silver over a sleeping landscape.

Beautiful.

Stretching, a rumbling growl pours from powerful jaws as the graceful shadow lets out a sigh of relief after suffering through such an ordeal.

----- * -----

How it came to be this way, an unwanted metamorphosis from human to something resembling a hybrid between Wolf and Feline, there's no way to be sure. It's always been this way. I've always been this way... And it tends to be the most excruciating when I'm under too much stress. Especially on a new moon. Talk about back-asswards. Isn't the whole shape shifter myth based on the full moon? So where the hell do I fit?

Heh...as if being a shape-shifter is something based on scientific fact. I'm not supposed to exist. No, really...not just on the whole 'being a freak of nature' thing. I was conceived by accident. I was told lovingly, that I was a 'pleasant surprise' while there was one who had called me 'an accident' or 'a mistake'. Nice, huh? And that was on a human basis. When I was discovered to be 'other' then completely human (gotta love rare genetic defects) it was completely dismissed at first. Shit you not, even with my nails having started to form into claws over the course of a week, I was literally told to 'stop trying to get attention'. Not even kidding. Oh and when I started growing a very fine coat of black fur just along the back of my neck that started trailing down my spine, same damned response. 'Seeing is believing'. Ya, tell that to my family members. Well, all except for my parents. Strangest thing is how they casually accepted it. Sure they never imagined their only daughter to turn into some kind of hell beast when puberty hit, randomly shifting at the worst possible times, but they approached this as 'well, could be worse' and that was it. Crazy, right?

I'm sure they thought it was a riot when I'd started to shift for shits'n'giggles when I had nothing better to do... I was mostly scolded for scaring the crap out of our asshole neighbors down the street that no one liked. I thought it was valid, they shouldn't have been harassing us in the first place. They complained about how 'displeasing' our front yard looked because the grass wasn't green enough, or when they tried to have my car towed From the damned Driveway (which obviously didn't happen) because it was unsightly to see every time they drove by our house. Fun fact; the cops that patrolled our street, LOVED that car. Why? It was a classic and purred every time she started. Those neighbors were just a pure annoyance to our local law enforcement and the city due to how many calls they made over just complete and utter bullshit.

Naturally, I decided to have some fun and no, I didn't maim anyone (though the thought crossed my mind on numerous occasions and practically anyone who had the misfortune of ever meeting them) instead, I gave them the impression that if they didn't move away soon, they'd continue to be haunted by a demonic shadow beast that was hellbent on making sure they never slept again. After the fifth visit, there was a for sale sign on their perfect lawn while the movers finished packing their belongings into a large truck and drove away.

I was initially grounded for a Month when my parents found out what I'd been up to the week before my 18th birthday, but since the annoyance had been disbanded and peace was once again restored to our small neighborhood, my sentence was reduced to a week and I was able to enjoy my birthday without having the cops called on us for 'noise pollution'.

Gotta love loopholes.

-To Be Continued-

Caffeine Makes Brain Happy

Man, I had a seriously rough night last night. My thoughts were all over the place, emotions had morphed into a nest of angry vipers and because of this, my body reacted by igniting my nerve endings with constant waves of pain. It didn't finally ease up until my Ibuprofen PM kicked in and I was finally able to pass out at around 1am. I woke up around dawn due to the bladder demanding release and came out into the living room to see what time it was. The clock read 6:31am and I stood there for a moment, debating whether or not I wanted to stay up. Sensing that I needed a few more hours, I announced in my zombie-like state that I was going to go back to bed, and didn't finally rise until 10am.

Now I sit here, drinking my first cup of coffee while enjoying the cool breeze with the scent of the sea along its invisible edge. The aches are gone, my body feels relaxed and rested and my mind is clear. I feel fantastic. I guess I just needed to sleep. 

I did try to get some writing done last night, and used that as my distraction until the sleep stuff kicked in. It started out more like a poetic description of emotion and started to turn into an actual story. Even as left field as it was, I actually just enjoyed the simplicity of writing whatever the character wanted to say. There wasn't any real planning or thinking behind it, I just did it and found it to be something I want to continue. I'm even thinking about working on it after I post this. Maybe once I've finished this part, I'll show it to you guys to get your opinion on it, see if you'd like me to continue it or something.

*takes a drink of her strong coffee* Ya, today definitely feels better than yesterday. I'm also Really looking forward to working at the Halloween store again this year, they sent me a letter in the mail before I left for Illinois asking if I'd like to work there again. How could I say no? 

*chuckles* I just need to find the papers again so I can go to the website and fill out the appropriate stuffs.

And yea... O.o

COMMERCIAL BREAK!

*giggles* Not enough random goodness for ya? Have Another!!! O.o

*giggles'n'snorts*

Honestly, that's all I got right now... Yay for brain-farts O'Doom! XD

Later days ;)

-Adieu

Gotta Love Jet Lag

Exhaustion coils through me, swirling through the veins, tangling the thoughts that dance like wayward fireflies within the abyss of my mind. Struggling to regain my foothold, dragging myself back up from a small fall in my journey... Feeling slightly lost and worn down.

Being in Illinois for two weeks helped ease the chaos inside. But I'm afraid I've come right back into the fire. This has worn down on me physically and psychologically. Emotionally I'm at a breaking point. I'm afraid I've already started to snap.

But I've got a knack for channeling chaotic energy into something positive. Instead of ending up in a self-hugging jacket holed up in a plushy padded room mumbling Happy Noodle Boy quotes to the imaginary floating potatoes keeping me company (entertaining, no?) my brain does this interesting defensive maneuver. 

I can almost feel the surge of heat dancing through my veins, the rapid beating of my heart, the low growl slowly rising from deep within my chest. My senses become sharpened, my shoulders tense and my spine stiffens. Every muscle is poised into attack mode, small tendrils of adrenaline coursing through me, an awakening of something dormant. 

It's been a gradual process these last several months. Not of its creation, for it has been with me since my very beginning. This has been its slow ascent from the depths. Rising with every ragged breath I take, carefully filling the broken pieces of my psyche before I shatter, keeping me whole.

I'm not afraid of this primitive rage inside of me because I know its purpose is not to destroy. Its presence heralds a new beginning. We are no longer at odds but working as a single unit to achieve what could be perceived as the impossible. I am becoming at one with myself even if that darkness used to frighten me. That swirling mass of starless night is not set on consuming me. It is my shield, my comfort. Giving me the strength to carry on.

*smirks and takes a drink of her strong cup of coffee* Gotta love poetic prose in the morning.

In short, it's been incredibly rough these past few years and even more so just in the last 10 months. But there has also been amazing blessings, almost miraculous in their appearance in my life. The Good and the Bad, or in my case... Struggling with the Negatives when something Positive happens and seems to help ease the burden for awhile. Helping me to stay focused on the future; a hard lesson from the Universe that it's time to Wake Up.

I'm definitely awake...and feel a change within, a familiar energy that's only graced me in small doses. A promise of the person I'll finally become.

I have this drive you wouldn't believe. Hell, I barely believe it. I went from floating aimlessly through life (the perpetual leaf at the mercy of the wind), to being thrown into a whirlwind where I had to Fight to find my footing again. I'm not drifting anymore. My feet are firmly planted on Terra Firma and I can feel my strength coming back to me. Not just emotionally, but physically as well. I'm healthier than I've been in years, having made a point to not only eat better, but to push myself while working out, finding that I'm actually getting back into shape again. I gain muscle mass very easily so I have to be careful not to bulk up without leaning down first. And the plus side is that I don't lose the muscle I've gained back if I start focusing on tightening my frame, focusing on ridding myself of unneeded fat.

So even with all of this crap I'm dealing with, I'm focusing on things that will help me keep going, toward an amazing future. No, it hasn't been easy, but it rarely ever is. Life is hellbent on taking you out with any means possible, so it's only nature to turn around and fight back. Survival of the fittest. Emotionally, physically, etc. Whatever it takes, I'm going to keep going. Even if it means I have to turn around and punch Life right in its smug face.

*takes another drink and shakes her head at herself with a small smile*

Rambling goodness... Gotta love it.

I know I haven't updated since I flew out to Illinois on July 30th, but I'm here now... Still Jet Lagged from flying in last night 10pm while my brain was convinced it was 12am. I even stayed up til a quarter til 1am, and forced myself to crash. Got up at 8am, (or dragged myself would be the better way of putting it) came out and made a pot a coffee. A not so pleasant discussion transpired with my Father while the coffee brewed (yay for small emotional brainfarts) but I managed to calm down and start to wake up. I would've just slept in today, but I've got work at 11:30am, which means I leave around 10:20am.

Anyhoo, I'm done rambling now...or at least, for the time being and I'll try to update again when I get home and settled in for the night.

-Anon