Unleash The Munkee!!

Another day, another cup of coffee, another witty title to tantalize and confuse you. *chuckles*

The caffeine definitely helps... Brings my zombie self back to life. And while being the 'Walking Dead' apparently Dad accidentally sat on his new cane and snapped it in half, so I just put some wood glue on it and duct taped that puppy back together and now we let it sit until tomorrow. 

Not as stressed today as I was yesterday, also considering that after the last 'vent' type blog, I ended up falling apart in front of my Dad when I was supposed to be walking down to my car to go to the store. I hadn't meant to crumble into a heaving mess, but it just came spilling out. I had to escape into my room for a bit and was able to talk to someone long enough to get my mind straight again. After some time had passed, and finally feeling calm again, I reemerged and learned that due to my small emotional glitch, it was a motivator for my Dad.

The biggest stress that's been weighing on me is that due to all of this, is how the situation went from being more or less like roommates with my Dad; he did his thing and I did mine. To suddenly being forced into doing everything when I knew my Dad could Still do things for himself, but was now relying on me to do so because this situation has left him feeling helpless and depressed.

Falling apart the way I had...allowed me to finally be honest because of the intensity of pain swelling through my heart. He told me he just needs me here for emotional support, and at any other time I'd have no problem with that. I love my Dad, he's one of the most important Men in my life. But I had to tell him, as embarrassed as it was to admit, how much it hurt me to say to him, that being in his presence was driving me to the edge. That I was picking up on his emotions too and didn't know how to shut it off. That I felt helpless and scared and angry that he has to go through this and I cannot fix it myself. My entire world has been flipped upside down and all I want to do is Fix it, Right the fuck now. But I can only do so much, and for a time he just depended on me to do Everything when he could at least meet me halfway.

It was painful, it felt like something was tearing its way from my chest in a flood of rage and frustration... But when it all calmed, I felt comfortably numb. I didn't care how swollen my eyes appeared or the splotchy flush that filled the ivory skin of my face. I pulled myself together enough to gather my GIR bag and car keys and ventured out to get things done. 

There was an energy that surrounded me when I sat in my beautiful Ellie. I didn't feel like I was just sitting in a car, there was a sense of awareness...and intelligence not my own. It felt like sanctuary... Like Home. When I sink down into that comfortable bench seat, close the door, click my lap belt into place and turn the ignition; feeling that 350 roar to life... I feel safe. And it's not because I love cars and being able to drive tends to zen me out. There's something very special about my '70 Impala that I haven't experienced with any other vehicle. Maybe it's because she's My Car and the funniest part...is I didn't choose her, she picked me.

Whenever we're together I feel at peace with myself.

Maybe it's a Classic Car thing :P

 

*yawns and takes a drink of her second cup of strong coffee*

Even in the state I was in; disheveled with puffy lips and swollen eyes from crying so hard, I collected the fragmented pieces of my pride, threw them in a pile and followed through with my errands. I went through the motions in a daze, as though my body was on autopilot while my mind drifted through space. Thank the gawds I'm a good driver, it's literally second nature for me seeing as I've been able to drive a vehicle gracefully since I was 8 years old. (I was a speed demon at the go cart track and learned very quickly how to do so safely :P)

I went to five different places, and twice I was complimented on having such a beautiful car. That really warmed my heart and brought me out of the cloud I was in. Seeing the joy light up in those stranger's faces when they realized it was a rare '70 Impala and that this young woman truly Loved her car, there's no way to describe it. It really made me proud of my Ellie and even she seemed to share my reaction by running more smoothly; purring loudly on the way home.

Yes, this is My Eleanore. Gorgeous, no? ^_^

*smiles and takes another drink of her coffee*

I realize that I've been suffering an emotional rollercoaster since I found out how ill my Dad really is. Though a part of me sensed this would come to pass over 8 years ago. I knew that if I wasn't close, if I wasn't a constant presence in my Father's life, he wouldn't be here right now. I've unfortunately missed out on several opportunities to venture out on my own and start living my life because I had a feeling I needed to be here. I wasn't staying just to play the whole 'Martyr' card, there was a very strong gut feeling that something very bad was going to surface and I needed to be here to stop it in its tracks before it was too late. It haunted me...that bad feeling, ever present in the back of my mind like a Rattlesnake curled up in the tall grass. You can sense it, but have to wait for the soft rattle of warning to know where it's hiding so you calmly sidestep in the other direction and avoid it.

Now I just have to pull myself together. Obviously I'm trying and am actively making myself feel better. That torrent of chaotic emotion has dwindled after flooding over, returning to a stable level so I can fix the levee it broke as it rushed through me.

Things will get better. No matter how twisted I start to feel inside, there is Always a reason to find hope. There is always a silver lining. I have to believe that or those tendrils of madness will entangle me and drag me into a ravenous pit to which there is no escape.

Gotta Love JTHM ^_^

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone gets overwhelmed and beaten down by circumstances they can't control. But it's how we deal with it that gets us out alive. I may not be the strongest person right now, but I'm incredibly stubborn and will run myself into the ground before I simply give up. I may have felt that way in the past, may have exuded weakness...but that didn't get me anywhere. It accomplished nothing.

So as crazy as this may make me, I'm going to suck it up and carry on. Life waits for no one. You either step up and keep up or the jaws of fate will gladly swallow you. I don't know about you, but I want to Live even if that means I'm beaten to shit in the process. 

Hey, at least it makes for good story telling ;)

-Adieu