How does one stay positive? How do we keep pushing ourselves, forcing these hopeful words down our throats when it feels so pointless?
Right now, I don't care. This has been an incredibly trying morning on my fractured psyche. I struggle so hard to just function like a normal human being, adjust and adapt to the cards that have been dealt and force myself to have a normal morning.
I could say, "Well that happened, but the sun's still coming up so something good is just Bound to happen!" Heh...yea, and I'll ride a Unicorn to work powered by magical rainbows shooting out of its ass.
After struggling to have a good weekend with my Rabble Family, the panic rat decided to multiply, sending out hundreds of these neurotic furry bastards in all directions, chewing up the fragmented pieces of my struggling emotions. Overshadowed by worry, anxiety coiled in my chest like a sleeping viper, just waiting to awake with a furry.
Nothing I can do will ease this growing void inside me. I am Trying so fucking hard to keep my shit together, but I am being tested every gorramed chance the universe gets. I can't be calm anymore. Because if I even pause for a moment, able to find a sense of peace and be still...something reminds me of the black hole that's invaded my life and happens to reside at the apartment that used to be my childhood home. It's not a home anymore, it's become my fucking prison and I am struggling to keep myself from rearing up like a wild mustang and taking off; getting as far away from this place as I possibly can.
*haunted eyes peer at the ghostly white computer screen as a small hand reaches over and brings her coffee cup to her lips, forcing herself not to tremble and spill the hot liquid all over her lap in the process*
This shit has got to stop. I cannot be beaten down by this. I want to take my overly sensitive mind and tear out the emotions that are doing nothing but hindering me from getting shit done. I honestly want to hollow myself out and become stone.
*feels the growl of frustration swell in her chest as she swallows down another mouthful of hot coffee*
The only way to ignore my internal meltdown, is to distract myself with anything that takes myself temporarily away from my thoughts. For example, there's a program from NOVA on Cuttlefish right now and it's a very Welcomed distraction. I absolutely Love these creatures who are closely related to Sea Slugs of all things, and are probably one of the most fascinating critters on the planet. Underwater aliens.
*sighs and shakes her head* So distracting in fact, that I'm having a hard time focusing on getting this blog written out.
You can see how I'm attempting to keep myself away from that growing darkness, the living poison swelling through my veins that's slowly chipping away at an old doorway containing a part of my personality generally reserved for those times I write about Riddick. But it's not the inspiration For Riddick. I open that door just enough to allow a piece of it to breathe and drop into a scenario with the only character I know who can handle it. If anything, he keeps it at bay and distracts it until I can lock it back in its cage. Riddick, my personal guardian. Makes a strange kind of sense now, doesn't it?
*yawns and takes another drink of her coffee*
Well, I guess today may prove to go well... Considering I don't have to be at work as early as previously thought. I get an extra hour to myself, which is definitely plus considering the inner storm brewing violently in my brain.
You know, when I've faced situations that cause this kind of trauma on my emotional state, I would change something physically about myself. Perhaps as a coping mechanism to show everyone as well as a reminder every time I glanced in the mirror, that I was adapting to what I was going through. A reflection of what was happening just beneath the surface. Which also may explain that overwhelming urge to cut my hair off at the back of my neck. A part of my psyche screaming out for others to see the turmoil churning deep within. And I suppose it's another way to cope to such a situation. As if adapting by physically altering something about the self, to prove that we're changing along with it.
That may be another explanation as to why I'm having a harder time adjusting because I've not attempted to alter my appearance. As an adolescent and teenager, I was constantly changing something about myself on the outside while trying to adapt to the chaos within. Not only trying to figure out myself and what I found fit my personal style, but as a way to distract myself with something new that would temporarily keep myself from picking at the parts I disliked.
I would also change my hair color (none too worried about the damage it was causing) quite often to reflect how I was feeling. Dark brown and Black would be my choice when I was run down inside and wanted to reflect that darkness on the outside, to warn others that I was in a bad state. And when I was feeling my best, I would change it to Bright Red. But for the past few years, I decided to do yet another change...and stopped dying my hair altogether. One, I was tired of constantly having to keep up with the new hair growth and spending too much time on putting the color back into my hair which only fried it. Two, I was curious to see how my natural color would look and what it was like to have healthy hair. Because with all the chemicals, I had to actively buy shampoo and conditioner that are made to help with the damage that's been done, but it becomes too pricey.
So I opted for a change that meant I had to learn a great amount of patience. Now, it's trailing down my back and hovering just a few inches above my tail bone. I've even learned how to cut it myself, which was another way to save money and keep my hair healthy. For years I had wanted to grow my hair long but there had always been a reason or an excuse as to why I hadn't let it do so. I think that had mostly to do with patience, and we all know that while young, it's an almost impossible feat. Now I look forward to the day it trails just behind the back of my knees. That way, I can cut off a foot and donate it while still having a thick mane of hair.
*chuckles and shakes her head*
Gotta love my brain in the morning... Instead of just focusing on how shit-tacular I'm feeling, I wrote about things that are lighter and distracting in a good way. Things that keep me motivated when on the inside, I'm starting to burn out. But I suppose that's just how it is; adapting and forcing yourself to cope when you feel yourself being swallowed by the fates.
And on that note... It's 8:11am and I have to get my ass in the shower and I promise to continue to find the good in this situation and keep myself from turning into a shell of person. That no matter what, I'll try to keep smiling.
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