When it Rains...it Pours

Oh delicious coffee, how I love thee...

It's one of those mornings where I remember my dreams were fairly twisted and unsettling. Nightmarish type dreams where I was trying to escape the darkness, where demonic creatures were out hunting and when a scout would find me, I had to take it out silently and hide it so the rest wouldn't hunt me down in droves.

Good times. *takes a drink of her coffee* I'm trying to be in a pleasant mood, but this home tends to be a mood killer. Dad just got a letter from the LA Fire Department (from when they helped take him to the hospital) and he's being charged a grand. But it did mention something about him sending it to his medicaid thingy...

*sighs* Yup, turning out to be a Fantastic morning.

*growls and shakes her head*

Honestly, been doing a shit ton of thinking about the situation I'm currently in and the only thing that continues to drift to the forefront of my thoughts, is major change.

*pauses long enough to receive a phone call from her awesome mechanic*

Well... This completely derailed my thoughts. Basically he's fixing what we figured needed to be done and he wants to do a general tune up, which we also knew was needed...and it's gunna cost me $330 total. Thankfully, I have just enough saved to do so...but after that, I'm runnin' on fumes again. Heh...figures. It is what it is. 

I need my car and this is minor compared to what could have gone wrong. If I've gotta shell over half of what's in my account, not a problem. Ya, kinda sad that I have so little, but that's not all that uncommon these days for most people. I was also offered 5,000 for her yesterday upfront from the tow truck driver... As appealing as that seemed, she's my only transportation and truthfully... She's the only thing that's Mine. I Love my Car and to me, she's worth so much more then that. What I did do, is saved his number just in case the day ever comes that I'm forced to sell her, I'll call him. 

*takes a steadying breath and a sip of her second cup*

So back to my original thought that I didn't get to continue...

I love my Father very much, but there are a few things that I had noticed in the past but merely brushed aside as, 'well he's my Dad' kinda thing. With others helping me, they too began to notice and started asking me if he's always been this way. Come to think of it...yes. He only got mean when he drank, and I figured maybe those other not so pleasant traits were due to the beer. I've come to realize that isn't the case. And a torrent of rage has blown up inside me at this realization.

I want to hate him for not taking care of himself like he should have. I cannot count how many times I honestly Tried to get him to see a doctor just for a check up or an array of other things that would've been better for his well being. He fought me each time, excuse after excuse and apart of me never truly pushed the issue because I was raised to Respect My Elders and their decisions. 

But because of his decisions and completely Ignoring me when I really needed him to seek help, he's now trapped at home and I'm forced to take care of him.

It may come off cold, but I'm honestly considering finding a great retirement living center for him where I know he'll be taken care of and have actual human interaction and finally be able to live my life. I'll be 30 this coming christmas eve... And I'm tired of living behind someone else's shadow. This is not my life and I feel like it never has been. I never had the balls to just leave. Too concerned if he'd be okay. It's not my fucking responsibility. He's not my ward, he's my Father. (Yes I'm going off on a vent and right now, it's helping. If it's not your cup of tea, skip to the end.)

I'm just so fucking stressed out and worn down by all of this. I want to be gentle and say it's not all his fault...but the truth of it is, that he allowed this to happen and he knows I won't abandon him.

I think another reason for my severe animosity at the current moment, is knowing I do not have to stay. I can leave. I have options. I could easily grow cold and just leave him to his fate. But that is Not who I am so even thinking about it destroys something inside of me.

Maybe if I become angry enough, I'll level out and be able to what needs to be done.

I'm just... *lets out a low sigh* I'm at a loss. I don't know how this is all going to turn out, but I'll get through it. 

I guess it's true what they say, "When it rains...it pours."

-Anon