Falling Deeper into the Rabbit Hole

I don't know how to write out what's going through my mind right now, being that there's anger, embarrassment, rage, exhaustion, helplessness and a spark of insanity leering at me from the darkness. Having woken up to hearing my father talking to someone from the VA and obviously becoming confused and confusing her. So I offered to take the phone. I made all of that confusion simple by asking specific questions and got answers. What made this difficult was my Father sounding off in the background, trying to add his side when it wasn't needed and it was something completely different.

As soon as I got off the phone, and hadn't even gone into the kitchen yet, my father announces that he ate my sandwich that I left in the fridge. I saw red. It was the only thing that was mine...I had bought it with what little money I have left, so I had something to eat today. I lost my temper because I'm volatile when I first wake up. I literally Hulk out. I can't help it...

I was trying to get myself back in control because I was literally seeing Red and wanted to break everything in my path. So I ended up putting a dent in our old fridge with my bare foot, trying to snap myself out of it.

He said he was hungry and just grabbed the first thing in the door. He said we had no cereal left. 

I told him he should've known it was mine, if he'd taken a moment to set it down and actually look in the fridge, his sandwich was literally right in front of him. A Subway sandwich is completely different from his, and that the cereal is also right on top of the fridge, but he didn't look. He didn't wait for me... And figured it didn't matter.

Yes, he's partially blind because of his cataracts, but he didn't even try... 

His mind isn't the same. The ammonia in his blood stream that his liver no-longer filters out, has drastically changed him. He really does show symptoms of someone suffering the beginnings of Dementia. But the ammonia levels tend to do something else, they make him respond to me like he used to when he drank too many beers.

This morning being one of them...less than 20 minutes ago.

I'm numb now...having shut the rage off completely when my brain finally pulled itself out of that red fog it was suffocating in. Part of me is slightly embarrassed that I'd started raising my voice and I'm sure the entire block could hear me. Especially when I called my father a Selfish Fuck... *shudders and looks down* I never, and I mean Never speak out of anger. And I've Never spoken to my Father so disrespectfully. I'm completely disgusted with myself. I kept asking him to leave me alone, and every time he'd counter me, not wanting to hear me or maybe he couldn't (he's too confused), my voice would raise and I'd say it again... After saying it almost 7 times I snapped and that's when I stopped myself from punching the wall.

I'm trying to calm down, trying to remove myself to a different mental state... And as I've been typing my Father is cussing in the background, not at me, but because someone from the VA called him in the first place. Everything out of his mouth is negative, everything is always worst case scenario. He's become a crotchety, bitter old fart and since I'm the only human soul around, I'm the one to absorb every last drop of it.

I'm ready for a change. I'm ready to move in with my Big Brother, his Awesome Wife, her Dad, my adorable Niece and Nephew and their two dog-babies. I'm ready to have my Own Room, my own space. Somewhere I can escape to... I've never really had that. I feel like a stray that's been taken in and let loose so many times that it's hard for me to trust something called 'home'. The unwanted pet that's thrown to the side because I've become an inconvenience.

*takes a slow breath to steady herself*

I'm still angry with myself for flipping out the way that I did. It was my own fault for not putting everything back in it's place for Dad before I went to bed. I should've hidden my food and put his where he could find it. I fucked up, not him.

But of course the sleep-filled brain doesn't understand logic or rational thinking, all I felt was rage as every pinned emotion boiled and spilled over, and I was drowning in it. I can not allow that to happen again. 

*sighs softly*

I know things are going to get better, it's not that far away, but I'm also suffocated by what I'm faced with every day. I can only imagine what's going through my Father's mind... Well, not really, he tells me whenever a thought comes to the forefront. Which can also be straining...because then you literally don't have any time to yourself. It's like a wild animal living in a cage with someone constantly poking them through the bars with a stick because they want its attention. They're not trying to be harmful, but they don't realize the damage they're causing. Because when that animal finally has too much, it snaps and will attack anyone who (friendly or not) tries to get too close to the cage. 

Personally...I'm being driven to that point.

I don't want to feel angry and distrustful all the time. It's hard for me to tell people what I go through everyday, because it's not a happy story to tell. I don't want to constantly talk about the tragedy that exists at home. So I focus on mindless FaceDesk games, or stories I may have written and want to share. I seek out things that are entertaining and thought provoking, anything that doesn't shine light into how shattered I am emotionally.

Every so often I can't help but let some of the pressure off and give you a glimpse. Most of the time when I do, it's edited. I make it sound better than it really is because I don't want you to feel what I'm feeling. Knowing and Feeling are two very different things. I'd rather keep you updated with the lighter cut'n'dry version, then have you slammed by emotions that are not your own. I don't want anyone to feel this. I know all too well the damage it causes, affecting you on such a deep level that your physical and mental health suffer from it, changing who you are. I just can't allow that.

In most cases, I'll find myself writing (especially in the morning when I don't think too much about it and just do it) and after I've written for quite awhile, and see how much detail I've divulged, painful things I myself have a hard time saying out loud... When I'm awake enough, I see it...and decide to not share it. I can spend over an hour writing so much, giving my mind enough time to start waking up... And then I realize what I've written, what I've allowed out...and get rid of it.

This time? I'm not going to delete it. I started out half conscious and now that I'm more awake, I've decided it's okay to let you read. It's honest without me dumping all over you. It is what it is, truth no matter how embarrassing or painful. And as much as I hate to acknowledge it, I am still human and am about as flawed as a person can be.

This emotional roller-coaster is a daily occurrence, I've just learned how to keep it from spilling over into my interactions with people. I've adapted to it as the norm, because to continue to fight a losing battle, will only drive me further down the rabbit hole.

Now, I make another pot of strong coffee and continue to steady myself in this calm state I've induced and find ways to distract myself until he wakes and I'm back on duty.

-Anon-