The Levee Breaks and the Sanity Spills Away

The ache digs razor like claws into the shredded remains of a defiant heart as the fragile strings of an exhausted mind fights for some kind of normalcy. Nothing is as it seems, the scars rise along pale flesh in red welts of harsh lessons not easily forgotten. There is no escaping the void as it narrows its gaze on the weakness; the tortured spirit desperate for just a moment's peace.

Little to say, words strangled in the back of the throat, vocal chords torn from the swallowed screams of frustration that echo maddeningly through the hollow crevices of an overactive brain. Even the whispers have lost their battle with the crimson rage that coils around every thought and emotion. Nothing remains of the soul that once lived to bring warmth to all those in its path. Ashes of an innocence used up and thrown away.

I speak in gentle poetry in the hopes that a keen eye will read my cryptic prose and understand the message hidden within these playful lines. Though, I'd imagine this isn't exactly the most pleasant rambling I've written... There is pain here, fear, exhaustion, and the feeling of being completely lost.

There are hungry shadows lining this broken path. Withered and weak, the emptiness fights to swallow the last hint of light glowing defiantly within these secret depths. Hardship a continuous theme, unable to reach out, and beg for redemption as the chains that keep it pinned, lie sleeping just out of sight.

Trembling footsteps echo their descent into madness by the bloody foot prints they leave behind. Not a word nor whisper of hope. Nothing but the cold black to keep you company.

Be Stronger.

Be Better.

Grow Up.

Failure is Not an option.

Worthless.

These words are weapons, cutting and slicing the fragmented pieces of a dying spirit. There is no resolution to this living nightmare. Bleed out the screams that shred the silence. Black poison filling the veins, making a void where innocence once lived. Fluttering fireflies of thought swallowed by a living abyss. They know me here...welcome me with their cold embrace. They whisper sweetly, calling to me...

"Sink into the shadows and let us embrace you. Be one of us...so very close now..."

Tempted is the weary being to welcome that empty void. Those emotionless words seeming almost peaceful. A place to finally be still...

To finally rest.

-*-*-*-

*smirks and takes a chug of her Monster*

Goin' on Day Three of barely any sleep. SSDD would be the term to use in this situation; Same Shit Different Day.

I'm fuckin' exhausted and had a mini melt down early this morning when I was called to again for the up-teenth time. Eh, whatever. Not important. I just look as ugly as I feel, which is rather fitting to be honest. *grows an unpleasant smile*

Only good thing about today was talking to one of Dad's nurses who came out for a short time. She was incredibly helpful about getting me information on finding a caregiver that can come out when I need to go to the store and run errands without having to worry about Dad. And I can have them come out for an hour at the shortest. All I'd need during the week, is maybe a two to three hour span to get shit done and I believe we can afford it.

Here's my biggest emotional road block;

Dad is Completely Dependent on Me. Even when he has someone watching over him, he starts asking for me. It's always Me. It's always been Me. Because I've been the Only One to be there for him for the past 13 years. Let that sink in for a second. Even when I'd moved out for a short time, I made a point to come out and visit him, or I'd call him during my breaks at work while I was living in Orange County. Why? Because we've always been close. He was one of the Most important Men in my life. Period. I thought I was doing the right thing by being close, by being there when he needed someone. Now I realize that he abused that privilege.

Gotta love emotional control and guilt trips when it's too close to your face to even realize it's happening.

After awhile, I had been the Replacement for the friends he no longer really spoke to. He made me the only person he spoke to on a daily basis. He became dependent on me and made it as hard as possible for me to just pick up and leave. For so long I stayed close and lived with him because I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't want to abandon him. He's my Father, why would I do such a thing?

Now...it's a very different situation. This gorramed sickness has taken my Hero from me and I'm left with the echoes of who he used to be. It's rare when I catch a glimpse of my Dad... Because not more than a few minutes later, that monster that's embedded itself in his brain is suddenly glaring back at me and I know it's smiling in victory. That poison that he drank for all those years brought a monster to life and it finally has its hooks in him... Leaving me powerless as it tangles his thoughts and he goes after me verbally like he used to when he drank too much.

He hasn't touched a single drop of alcohol since last May...but it was too late. Like a virus it wriggled its way through his system and finally latched onto his brain.

The best course of action is to get a caregiver to relieve me for a few hours a day, get him a sleep aid (also via his request; if it's important, he does remember.) and push the VA to help me look into a pension I believe he deserves for serving during a time of war. It doesn't matter if it isn't much, it's something AND they can help us with home care and the like.

For him to stay home and get the care he's entitled without the likes of a nursing home, I'm going to literally need a staff to help me take care of him. If I can get one caregiver that he can connect to, the more that person is around and the safer my Dad feels, the less he'll depend solely on me. Selfish of me to finally admit, but this will not be my life. I will do everything in my power to see that he's taken care of and that things will be set up to where I'm really no longer needed. 

I need to get out on my own and I will, once I can figure everything out. Because it's not just my Father I'm concerned with. I need to make sure everyone involved will be okay too. That things will run smoothly without me. The pressure of it all is too heavy a burden for me to carry on my own. I've given serious thought to suicide because of how worthless this has made me feel since last February. That scared the hell out of me. I can't leave everything behind when I just started to get my feet on terra-firma. So no matter how screwed up I am inside, I'm going to figure out a viable plan that will ensure my Father's well being is taken care of, and that finances are made to run smoothly. Once this is all established and I know things are on the right path, I can collect what little I have left and begin my life. I'm not saying I'll abandon him and my family *scoffs* that obviously isn't an option. What I am saying, is that I need to be my own person. I need to 'Grow Up'. I've basically been taking care of my Dad since I was 17 years old. I'm now 30. I think I'm allowed to make some decisions pertaining to My Life.

But first things first; get Dad a sleep aid so he can actually Rest during the night. His Body and his Mind desperately need the rest so he can actually heal. Once that's established, I start pressing the VA about a possible Pension he earned while serving during a time of War. He was in Service from 66-71, which was during Vietnam. 

*sighs softly and pinches the bridge of her nose; eyes aching from how swollen they've become due to lack of sleep and crying so hard this morning*

I want things to get better. I want my Dad to feel better and more like himself. But not at the cost of my sanity. I can't take care of him if I can barely take care of myself. Get him setup with the best care at home, while also making sure my Brother and his family have little to stress over and than I can think about getting out on my own.

Sure I've got a late start, but better late than never *gives a small smile* I'm trying to find Hope in all of this madness... Trying to stay positive. It's incredibly hard, but I'm not willing to give up. Not yet.

-Adieu

Trials of Resolve and Restraint

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Restlessness

Music swells gently behind the computer monitor as my fingers dance gracefully along these black keys. I'm existing on broken sleep and strong coffee; the rich aroma a small comfort as my body aches from inadequate rest.

Though Dad's showing some improvement, every day is a series of small battles and I've found that I no longer react out of exhaustion induced frustration, I simply remain calm...an empty state of being to help contain the last of my sanity as the internal wounds of my heart continue to bleed out.

I try not to think about the fact that my home is gone. Yes, it may have been four walls, but those walls held the energy of my childhood; containing the moments I cherished the most. It was the last part of my past to be taken away from me. I never thought that it would be gone like this. Both my big brother and myself figured Dad would always be there; that was home. We never thought Dad would get sick like this. But that's life for you; it happens when you're planning something else.

There's a deep ache resonating somewhere within my depths that I can't quite pin point no matter how hard I try to seek it out. The closer I get, the quicker it fades and emerges somewhere else; pulling me further down the rabbit hole.

*lets out a soft sigh and takes a hefty drink from her Nightmare Before Christmas Thermos*

It's strange, this place I'm drifting in emotionally. I suppose it's just another form of depression, when things have become too much and you can do nothing more than adjust and become still. Internally, I'm screaming... So much Rage, resentment and frustration from everything I've been faced with. A severe form of tunnel vision...and it narrows to a pinpoint, directly at my Father. I want him to get better more than anything, but not at the cost of my own sanity. 

There's so much I could write...but where the hell do I start? And how would it help anything? Yes, it is my personal escape and allows me to release some of the poison swelling in my veins, but I don't know if I can get everything out properly. 

*lets out another sigh and growls softly at herself*

The severity of my Father's condition means I have to be even More on Watch; literally 24/7. I don't sleep through the night because not only does he wake me via baby monitor or cell phone, but I've unconsciously trained myself to wake at the slightest indication that he needs me. I am constantly on alert, which may explain my growing exhaustion even when I do get a few hours of rest. Even now as I type these words, the anxiousness trickles and thrums along my spine, keeping me painfully alert that at a moment's notice, I have to be on my feet and head over to my Dad's room.

And since we've moved into a much larger home, I have to really be on alert. Though he's much stronger than before, he's still so very frail and I cannot allow him to hurt himself. Even though his bedroom is right next to our bathroom at the other side of the house, I have to be there just to make sure he gets from his room to the bathroom and back again. It's not that we don't trust him to be able to do so on his own, he still has moments of confusion and will lose his balance. So I'm just there as more of a sentinel than anything else... Which can range between midnight and 3am when I'm trying to sleep.

Also, due to the moments of confusion...he tends to get mean and I mean Real Mean. I don't even fight him anymore, there's no point. He gets angry and takes it out on me and I have to simply take it, even though on the inside I'm falling apart. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I love him very much, but I'm trapped doing everything he wants whenever he wants. And don't get me started on when I ask him to do something (because it's via Nurse or the Doc's request) and he gets all kinds of irrate. This is daily. And I rarely have a moment to just drive down to the Gas Station (which is less than two minutes away) for whatever reason, because I have to keep an eye on him.

Everyone has a job in this house, and mine is to simply take care of Dad. Which wouldn't be all that bad if he was of Sound Mind. He isn't and it's starting to really weigh down on me. I've mentioned getting him a caregiver just from Friday through Sunday so I can atleast have my weekends. It's a fantastic idea, but I've gotta figure out how that's going to happen and if we're going to have to pay for it and if so, how much that's gunna cost us. 

*rubs her eyes and lets out a growl between clenched teeth when a sound gets her attention over the com and she has to race to her father's room.--Returns looking a bit more worn out than before*

It's days like this that make me wish I had more money so I could have a nurse with him at all times; even when he's sleeping. Some days he's very coherent, very much like his old self. Than there are days like this where he wakes me up every hour through the night because of his confusion and in the morning he's so discombobulated (because his body is trying to rest but something in his brain isn't firing off right and wakes him up) and he ends up very confused in the morning before eventually falling asleep for a few hours.

It's a little scary sometimes because (he's done this in the past and not so much recently) he'd start wandering around if his body is strong enough and he won't tell me. When I gently request that he just announce he's getting up next time, it's a war and I get verbally attacked for it. It's less than before (which is seriously a good thing) but it's very stressful. Just now when I ran off... Dad had rolled over to the point that he almost fell off the bed. He didn't thank the gawds, but his legs were dangling off and I managed to pick him up and sit him up safely. He's alright, but due to the confusion, when he's half asleep, he's literally Half Asleep and I have to gently get him to lay back down so he can rest. I don't want to keep him in bed, I want him up and around. But when he's in this state, he needs to get another hour or so of rest and he'll be more himself when he wakes up. So hopefully in about an hour he'll be all peppy and I can get him into the living room for some breakfast and coffee and maybe get him to watch something with me and the monsters.

*takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly* It's been rough, but what's new? There's still so much coiled up inside of me but I'm going to save that for another time. Just a little at a time or I'm afraid the levee will break and I'll flood this blog with chaos. Last thing I want to do is make everyone drown in my personal crazy :P

And on that note, I shall bid thee anon and go have s'more coffee and a smoke before Dad calls from me again.

-Adieu

Bruised and Battered the Journey Continues

Been a long while since I've been able to sit at the computer, fingers dancing gently along these black keys...allowing the thoughts to be put into words. Over a Month I believe. So much has changed that short span... I still feel as though I'm somewhere in the middle, drifting but not completely lost. Suspended somewhere in the middle of dreams and awake. Not completely hollowed out by chaos from within but not completely here either.

It's hard to explain what goes through my mind as I sit here typing these words at 8:50am on a Friday morning.

So much to say, so many emotions accompanying them yet just not enough room to get them all out properly. I'll find a way to do so soon... Somehow I'll beable to put the shattered pieces back together and make sense of the madness dancing behind these tired eyes.

One thing's for sure; Dad's getting better considering his condition. Yes, it's an exhausting job sometimes, but things are getting easier day to day. Or at least I'm adjusting to the way things have changed. 

I know this is short, but I wanted to at least update everyone that I'm still here and still trying to get by as best I can.

I'm sure there'll be more to say later when my brain has a chance to fully come back from the realm of dreams.

-Adieu