A strange quiet surrounds my thoughts, tangled emotions magically silent...leaving me be for a blissful moment. There's a tinge of regret for the way I exposed myself on Facebook; words poured out in frustrated anger from the horrible storm raging deep inside. The need to apologize overwhelms me. I never wanted to allow that out in the open...but I haven't been myself.
The bad dreams I've been experiencing have all been the exact same theme; same people, same places... The same guilty expression on their faces. The bowed shoulders, head hung low, eyes averted to the ground as their voice flowed out meekly as they spoke. No eye contact what so ever... Yet oddly staying in the background, unable to watch me as I proceeded to do what needed to be done.
I don't want to close my eyes and find myself there again. Five different times is enough. I can't deal with it again. Just let it go away...
-sighs and shakes her head-
I shouldn't apologize for the way I feel or how I convey said feelings to those I care about. I do however, apologize for the way they were expressed...the last thing I ever want to do is make anyone I care about uncomfortable. Even to those who have wronged me.
Why do I care so much? Why do I have this innate need to be chivalrous, polite and compassionate to those who have treated me so carelessly? Probably because that's just simply who I am. I simply cannot abide rudeness...or indecency. To use my words or actions in such a way that pain blossoms behind their eyes... To me, completely unacceptable. I am not a cruel person nor will I ever grant myself to do so, even if it's justified. The human mind is a mess of complexity, and what I've learned over the years is that their own conscience is enough...their own actions will come back to haunt them. Yet, if they themselves don't learn from it, than so be it. Not my place to teach them. Those lessons are best learned on their own.
There's an ache deep inside that makes my chest tighten and my breath hitch. Forcing myself to deal with my emotions can only compare to injecting yourself with venom to build an immunity. It's painful...but the more you do it, the stronger you become and the easier it is to deal with. At least, I'd like to convince myself of that.
-takes a slow, deep needed breath and releases it; hoping the pressure in her chest will begin to ease-
I just wish I could shut off. I know I can, I've done it before...but that doesn't allow me to deal with what I'm feeling and when I finally come back into myself again... It's even worse than before. I've learned how well that works the first few times. Heh...no thanks. I'd rather just deal with it now, to the best of my ability than let it fester and become infected.
Too many thoughts and not enough words to make them comprehensible. Mostly, they're made of images and emotions... Feelings too intense to express through prose alone. I guess my best bet is to simply write, as gently as I can, to allow the pain to run its course.
Again, I apologize for the way I ranted the other night... I feel that it may have been inappropriate even if I thought it was appropriate at the time. I'll make a point to not let my anger get the better of me. Usually, I'm very good about keeping it in check. Perhaps, with peaceful sleep...I can find myself again.
One can only hope.
-gives a small smile-
-Adieu
No comments:
Post a Comment