...Forever Feels Like Home...

Where to begin... Such fleeting words, encased like shifting butterflies, waiting for their time to emerge and release their beauty into this world. But there is nothing beautiful about these twisted things hiding within the catacombs of my mind. They writhe and hiss, resembling Aliens hidden within the walls of their hive... Silent, patient...waiting; forever scrutinizing their surroundings with a voracious hunger I will never understand. One opportunity and they'll spill forth in a black flood of rage and teeth. Made of darkness and horror they travel behind my eyes. Living shadows made of nightmares.

I envy their strength. Their ability to feel no fear. Frighteningly beautiful in their skeletal perfection. I want them to take me away from all this... Emotion. Carry me down into a void that only wants to welcome me. Bring me to the great mother and lay me in her terrible arms... Where I'll be safe in all of her monstrous beauty.

I've been rereading my Aliens comics again... Can you tell? 

*smirks* 

There's a strange slowness in me today. As though I'm drifting. Nothing more than a weightless thing carried along the edge of the tide. Fragile, broken... I've lost something along the way. As though bits and pieces of my spirit have torn away and have been scattered to the winds. I'm not quite myself today.

Going through the motions, I awoke early as my dreams fought to trickle through my half-conscious mind. I got up, collected myself and proceeded out into the house to make a strong pot of coffee and took my leave to the bathroom. Within all the white noise blaring in my mind, my body moved on its own accord. I felt as lost as a Moth fluttering toward an unknown light trapped within the thick darkness of night.

I feel twisted inside. Every time I've paused, a moment...just a simple, single moment... My thoughts would scream toward my Father and this terrible stone would crush against my chest. So very heavy...and yet, so very numb at the same time. I am an enigma of emotion that I haven't the strength to understand.

Writing these words give only the briefest of clarity, allowing some of this chaos to suss itself out as I try, so very desperately to keep myself steady. To remain calm and stoic...to not fall apart as the threat of tears sting my eyes.

No word on the status of his condition. Not a whisper. So as I wait, I keep myself in this clouded state, hoping that as I remain contained, I can keep a level head for whatever news that's brought to light. I can't afford to fall apart. My eyes are too swollen and tender to withstand another breakdown after yesterday.

With everything spinning towards the drain, seeing the out-pouring of love and support actually made me pause. It was overwhelming and incredibly humbling. As I type this, the sting returns to my eyes... How grateful and touched I am to be blessed to have so many Angels in my life. I am humbled by your warmth.

I may not personally respond to everyone, but there is a reason for this. Currently I'm unable to repeat the same painful information over and over. It'll only put more cracks in a severely damaged levee that's struggling to keep me from snapping. I also tend to become quiet when I'm fighting through an emotional roller coaster. If I'm short in my replies and don't seem very engaged in conversation, know that it is not personal. As social as I am (my motto being, 'I open my Mouth and Words fall out') when I'm not quite myself, I go silent. Which tends to scare those who know me. Don't worry, it's just another facet of who I am. I'm half Extrovert and half Introvert. It's an odd mix, but it keeps me balanced...mostly. Feeling what I'm feeling... I'm not interested in speaking. To anyone. And when I am, it's brief and generally benign. I become very calm and guarded. It's strange, but a natural defense mechanism that actually helps me.

So if I seem other than myself, just know that I'm trying to work all of this out internally without going nuclear. Last thing I want to do is snap and start driving on the sidewalks for Fun.

*chuckles softly as the song, "Keep Away" by Godsmack plays over the speakers* The song describes my current temper if provoked. I literally snapped at a young man yesterday when I had to walk into Stater Brothers just to pick up some Cat Food for my boys. He had some kind of newspaper and I knew he'd been watching me walk toward him shortly after I'd gotten out of my car. I was in No Mood to be social, let alone listen to some teenager's sales pitch for a product I could give to shits about. He started his pitch and I firmly stated, "No thank you darlin'." But when he took a step toward me, completely ignoring my polite decline and continued speaking, I wheeled around, stood up straight, threw my shoulders back and when I spoke, my voice had dropped several octaves and every word was very articulated, "Look, my Father is Dying, I'm Not in the mood." and oddly enough, he shut right up and literally took a step back.

Heh, guess I was channeling a certain muse...

Riddick would be proud.

-Anon-