I take a slow drink of hot coffee from my Nightmare Before Christmas thermos and let out a contented sigh. There's a scent in the air of something hidden; a familiar aroma that sends tiny sparks of electricity through me. Meaning two things... Spring is approaching as well as my second home; Renn Faire.
The smile on my lips falters followed by a strange tightening against my ribcage. Bittersweet is the word to describe the ache I feel.
Two years today, my faire sister Lory skipped ahead of us toward the rainbow bridge where her white familiar Gemini sat waiting for her.
Unshed tears glisten along my lash line yet none escape as a small smile tugs at my lips.
Just a few days ago, I had told a few friends that since her passing, I had been visited by random bees at the strangest times and that I knew it was a message from her (she had a mischievous sense of humor). Oddly enough, yesterday morning while sitting outside having my first cup of coffee, a bee decided to buzz around me. At first I figured the poor thing was just lost. Until it came back two more times; the third time bringing it's sister. I knew I wasn't in danger, I was just annoyed...and started laughing to myself when the image of Lory popped in my head, with that devious little grin on her face. Originally I was in a very bad headspace when I first got up... After the Bee visit, my mood lifted just slightly. That was something she was always good at and knew exactly what to do to get me to smile despite how grumpy I'd be in the morning.
I think back now and find myself smiling rather than crying. But this ache will only worsen over the next two days. Even though tomorrow is Friday the 13th (one of my absolute favorite days) the day after will break my heart.
I've never been very fond of Valentine's Day (bullshit commercialism at it's finest) but this V-Day will be much harder for me to stomach. It'll be 6 years that I had to help my black Familiar Mickey to the other side...and 9 months to the day that Dad slipped away.
-pauses to take a steadying breath as it becomes harder to breathe against the pressure building inside a large ribcage-
I acknowledge the ache of their loss...and try so very hard to cling with a white-knuckled grip to those memories that leave a quiet smile in my eyes.
This year at faire will be bittersweet for me... Dad was always so adamant about me going to faire because he saw the profound effect it had on me. Even while he was stuck in that damned hospital bed at the VA hospital in Loma Linda, he encouraged me to go and loved hearing about my weekends when I'd stop by on my way back from Altadena to spend time with him before heading home to Beaumont. One of my biggest regrets was meeting Abraham Benrubi and not snapping a picture with him to show Dad. He had always loved him in Buffy and when he made a guest appearance in X-Files.
-takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly-
One thing I've learned the hard way, is to have no regrets and to take hold of rare opportunities that present themselves. To live each day as if tomorrow will never come. No matter how much my anxiety grabs onto me and makes me feel small and stupid, I'm gunna stop thinking, take a deep breath and just live.
-gives a small smile-
Gotta love early morning ramblings.
On that note, I shall bid thee Anon and get me s'more magically strong coffee of doom.
-Adieu
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